Woodbine

Summary

A client shows up looking to reunite with their other half (in a more literal sense than you’d expect). Grace takes Bea out on the town (how fun!). Rhys makes a lot of puns (to be expected). Hollis… wait, what is Hollis doing? … hmm.

Content Warnings: sex (implied)

Transcript

 [SFX: Bea walks into the office, closes the door, and locks it behind her]

 

BEA_NARRATION: The office is quiet when I come in, which feels odd. People should be here. We should be meeting with a client. There should be sound. [SFX: she walks in carefully] I’ve been on edge since that meeting with Lennox. Since he showed himself fully. Since he prowls on the edges of our minds, always letting us know that he’s watching. Waiting. Someone should be here. [SFX: she stops]

There is a shape on my desk, round, hairy, heavy. In the lamplight, it takes a moment to process it. Then another, because I don’t want to believe what I am seeing.

It is a human head, placed on my desk like some sort of sick offering, a shadow sitting on a closed book that wasn’t there when I left yesterday. I don’t recognize the hair from here but I can feel myself beginning to tremble as I approach the ghoulish object, a token of Lennox’s boundless disdain no doubt.

My only question is… will I know this face? [SFX: she approaches it]

FRIEDRICH: Oh, hello! [SFX: Bea screams and absolutely punts the head across the room, causing him to scream and bounce onto the floor] DAMNIT! JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN!

BEA: WHAT THE FUCK-

RHYS: [SFX: running in] What happened? I-… oh shit, Bea! That’s our client!

BEA: Client?! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

RHYS: I was in the bathroom! [SFX: going over to the head] Oh man, I am so sorry, she didn’t know-

FRIEDRICH: YOU COULD’VE WARNED HER! I THINK SHE BROKE MY NOSE! [SFX: Rhys picks him up]

BEA: He’s just a head?

FRIEDRICH: NOT NORMALLY!

RHYS: Ahhhh, ok, sorry, is the couch ok? [SFX: he walks over and places the head on a cushion] Again, I’m incredibly sorry, I assumed I would be here to tell her.

FRIEDRICH: Can you at LEAST dab the blood from my face?!

RHYS: Yep, yep. [SFX: getting a kleenex] Sorry, I should’ve told you.

BEA: Would’ve been great!

FRIEDRICH: And is SHE supposed to be on my case?

RHYS: I mean, it’s a small agency…

FRIEDRICH: Gods, this place…

BEA: I’m really sorry, I swear next time I’ll be up to date as to WHO our clients are-

RHYS: Can I get you anything else?

FRIEDRICH: Did she knock my earring off?

RHYS: Uh… yeah, she did.

FRIEDRICH: Please find it, then!

RHYS: Sure, uh… Bea?

BEA: Yeah, uh… [SFX: crouches down, starts searching]

BEA_NARRATION: This was not the kind of day I needed. This was not how I wanted to start things. Lennox has been calling Grace, trying to get her to do… errands for him. At first she just ignored them. But they kept coming…

 

[SFX: transition. Grace’s kitchen. Her phone buzzes again and again]

 

GRACE: [SFX: slams her hand down] Does he not EVER give up?!

BEA: Can you block him?

GRACE: I could but… [SFX: bzz] I know that he’ll make good on his threat. He’ll [SFX: bzz] oh my god. Alright, [SFX: getting up] I’m calling him. [SFX: angry dialing]

BEA: Is that the best idea?

GRACE: I refuse to have us live under his THUMB. [tight] Hello Lennox, hope you’re having a grand time, now what do you want? [SFX: walks into the other room, slams the door]

BEA_NARRATION: I’ve never seen her like this before. She’s… well, most of the time she’s fine, she’s Grace, but now that Lennox is back and unrelenting it’s… she’s pulled taut like a bow, waiting to be released. I’m worried about her. I’m… worried about us all. But it’s definitely taking the initial toll on her. [SFX: door opens, Grace walks out, flops down in the chair, starts angrily working]

BEA: You want to talk about it?

GRACE: [SFX: stops, sighs] I’m going to go see him.

BEA: What? Why?

GRACE: Because otherwise he’s going to keep poking and prodding and picking until we’re all dead. [quietly] Or chained up in a dank room or something.

BEA: I don’t think it’s safe.

GRACE: I’m… trusting that he won’t show his hand too early. Lennox likes to… play. Toy with people. And that’s what I am, a toy.

BEA: Hey, [SFX: gets up, goes over, gets close] if it helps, I can toy with you a little bit.

GRACE: Cheeky. Save it for our date.

BEA: Been a long time since I’ve been on a good date. I think the last one was… we went to one of those Firkin pubs. I ate a lot of fries and left early.

GRACE: Sounds like a hell of night.

BEA: Only for my cholesterol levels.

GRACE: [SFX: pats her on the butt] Finish your coffee and get to the office.

BEA: You’re not coming with?

GRACE: I need to clear my head, figure out what I’m going to say to Lennox. I’ll be there in a bit. Just keep an eye on Rhys. He keeps turning into bats to get from room to room. It’s very distracting.

BEA: Can’t believe he’s so good at this already.

GRACE: Don’t sulk. You’re doing great.

BEA: Am I?

GRACE: You haven’t eaten a single innocent! I couldn’t be more proud.

BEA: The bar is ankle high, Grace.

GRACE: You’re an excellent vampire. An unorthodox one, I think, but I wouldn’t want you any other way. Now get over to the office. I won’t say it’ll be a quiet day. That’ll only jinx us.

 

[SFX: Transition. Back in the office]

 

BEA_NARRATION: Freidrich is eating chips. You ever watched a head with no body eat? It’s weird. Where do the chips go?

RHYS: [SFX: puts pen down] Alright, paperwork is filled out. This should allow you to obtain custodial rights over your body.

BEA: How do you not have that? Like… it’s your body.

FREIDRICH: What makes the person? The physical being, or the mind?

BEA: … oh no, this is going to get very existential very fast.

FRIEDRICH: I’m trying to retain custody. I worry about his decision making abilities.

BEA: Has this been an issue before?

FREIDRICH: A few times, there is some precedent. The last time was in… 1918-

BEA: Wait, how old are you?

RHYS: Can I just say that your skin looks amazing?

FREIDRICH: Thank you, I use a glycerin cream. But yes, the last real issue we had was back then. He wanted to continue serving alongside the French, and meanwhile I was ready to call it quits.

BEA: Did he just leave you behind in a trench?

FREIDRICH: He put a potato sack filled with dirt on my shoulders and put a helmet on to hide it, and he went running out into the field of battle like some sort of idiot! Nearly got us blown to smithereens.

RHYS: At least it sounds like the partnership has been good for the last… 100-ish years.

FREIDRICH: We have our ups and downs, as any body would.

BEA: Can he read the paperwork? Or… hear? You retained custody of the ears.

FREIDRICH: One’s body is many things. It is an amalgamation of many parts but it is also a force, a beating drum, a storm of blood and bile and piss and plasma! I may be the obvious source of thought, but we are meant to live both together and separately. Have you ever felt something twitch within you, a call of the void that makes you long to leap out of your life and run flailing into another? Those moments where you just want to push yourself into another like they are putty, as if you can not have enough body? Young man, move me closer.

RHYS: Uh, sure. [SFX: he picks up the head and moves it closer to Bea]

FREIDRICH: You wear your body like it is an uncomfortable sweater. As if you want to pull your skin off, just a little. Believe me, I see the tells. I know when a body feels off. I know when someone is uncomfortable. When the connection between the head and the heart is strained. Tell me, do you want to talk about it?

BEA_NARRATION: Oh god, I’m a little overwhelmed, I have been thinking a lot lately about changing Rhys and I keep dreaming about blood, just so much blood, but I don’t want it, I just want to run because the blood shouldn’t be there, and I put my hand on Rhys’s shoulder today and I was thrown straight back into that night, I almost threw up, ok, ok, get out of your own head, uhhh… [SFX: there’s a transition into another narration]

RHYS_NARRATION: The new client, well, he’s got his head in the game, but not his body. Ah, I could do better than that. He’s trying to get ahead but… no, that doesn’t work. He should’ve quit while he was ahead-… damnit.

BEA: Uh, no, I’m good. I don’t really want to talk about it now.

FREIDRICH: I am a licensed therapist, you know.

BEA: I thought you drove a cab?

FREIDRICH: I’ve been going through burnout and pivoted for a while. [SFX: phone ding]

RHYS: Is that a text?

FRIEDRICH: I just got a ping on my phone. Ah, my watch is getting picked up again!

RHYS: You lojacked your body? 

FREIDRICH: The phone and the watch are linked. But now I know where he is!

BEA: Where?

FRIEDRICH: He’s… oh my word, he’s at a hat shop?

BEA: I believe they’re called milliners.

FRIEDRICH: HOW IS HE BUYING HATS? I’M NOT EVEN THERE!

RHYS_NARRATION: We’re dealing with a… custody issue? A breakup? Uh, well, Friedrich here is… technically he’s a Dullahan? Apparently, I should not call him a headless horseman because that term is outdated, but I think it’s not fitting because he doesn’t ride a horse. And he’s having a spat with his body and needs us to track him down and serve him with papers. Custody papers. Of his own body. This is… confusing.

RHYS: Are you sure this is the correct paperwork?

FRIEDRICH: Form B0-D33?

RHYS: It feels like a joke.

FRIEDRICH: I give space for those in law to have a little fun sometimes.

RHYS: I guess. This is for-

FRIEDRICH: Full custody.

RHYS: Right. And he has your wallet?

FRIEDRICH: Clearly! He’s off gallivanting around, spending OUR money that I earn-

BEA: How is it not shared, you’re the same person.

FRIEDRICH: This should be a discussion between us both, not a… flight of fancy decided on by someone without a good head on their shoulders!

RHYS: Alright, we can go serve the papers if you like-

FRIEDRICH: Yes, now! Now that we know that he’s off wasting funds on HATS, HATS OF ALL THINGS! … Oh, and now he’s going to the sushi restaurant next door? How’s he going to even EAT?

RHYS_NARRATION: Don’t say stuff it in the neck stump.

RHYS: Maybe he’s saving it for later?

BEA: You should go before it’s too late and he goes for a haircut or something.

RHYS: Yeah. I’ll be back shortly. You… uh… hang out.

FRIEDRICH: Thank you.

 

[SFX: transition. Bea and Grace working away in the office]

 

BEA: Is Alden still travelling?

GRACE: Apparently.

BEA: I thought Aurelius was meeting him in… uh… Tulum?

GRACE: He apparently cancelled but hasn’t told me why yet. I mean, he said “work” but…

BEA: Something’s fishy?

GRACE: Something’s off. He’s too… clipped lately.

BEA: Clipped?

GRACE: He’s usually quite… open about his feelings. Right now it’s like talking to a hedge that has been trimmed to within an inch of its life. Like, I got this earlier. [SFX: plays a voicemail]

AURELIUS: [voicemail] Hi Grace. Been quite busy. Hoping to not be soon. Will let you know when I have the chance to talk.

BEA: Is he mad at you?

GRACE: He’s mad at someone.

BEA: Maybe that’s why Alden is travelling. Or it’s because Alden went to whatever conference it was and then stuck around for a couple extra weeks to… decompress, I guess?

GRACE: Hm. All weird.

BEA: I don’t know what makes other people tick. Or… well, I guess I do sometimes, but it’s just all about their desire to hurt others.

GRACE: We can work on controlling it more. You need to learn how to build beneficial walls.

BEA: I’m trying. It’s just hard. [SFX: from the other room, the door opens up, then the sound of bats flying around, one of them hits a window] Oh my god, RHYS, you gotta stop just turning into bats to go from one part of the room to the other. [SFX: he turns back]

RHYS: [SFX: in pain] But it’s so cool.

BEA: Oh my god. Are you ok?

RHYS: Yeah, I think you’re right. One of my shoulders just flew into the window, ow.

GRACE: Take care of your boy. I’ll go let Friedrich know that Rhys is back but that he needs a minute.

BEA: [SFX: gets up, sighs] Rhys, let’s talk protocol in the office. Also, get the Windex.

 

[SFX: transition. They’re at a restuarant]

 

RHYS_NARRATION: After Bea explained to me that I had to treat my abilities with respect and not like an all you can transform buffet, I picked up Friedrich and the four of us headed out to a quiet location where his body requested that we all meet up to mediate things. I told him that none of us are lawyers, but it turns out he is? Or he’s a paralegal, I’m not sure, his handwriting is pretty bad, but that might just be because he can’t see. Or can he? The questions I have about anatomy are… pretty numerous at this point. But anyway, we’re heading to a little restaurant in Woodbine Heights. Pizza joint, run by brownies. Weirdly, they do not sell brownies on the dessert menu, which I think is a real missed opportunity. Never heard of the place before but it sounds nice, think it might be owned by the same people as La Famiglia? Anyway, when we got there, Friedrich’s body had already ordered a pizza. Several pieces are missing. I don’t know where they went. There is a false head on the table beside him. When we arrive, I can hear Friedrich make an annoyed noise from my hands, disgusted at the fake head. His body quietly slips it back into a bowling ball bag.

FRIEDRICH: Please put me on the table.

RHYS: Sure. [SFX: puts him down] Uh, your body-… sorry, is there a proper name I should be using?

FRIEDRICH: Fred.

RHYS: Alright. Fred wants to negotiate.

FRIEDRICH: For what?!

RHYS: A few days off per month.

FRIEDRICH: Ok but WHY?

RHYS: You said it yourself, you’re stressed. Work is hard, you’re burned out, you had to switch careers for a bit just so you could make some money to earn a living. It’s not just the brain that’s dealing with it but the body as well!

GRACE: The body keeps score.

RHYS: Something like that. But yeah, he wants some space.

BEA: No thoughts, head empty.

FRIEDRICH: I’m FULL.

GRACE: That is the hazard of being the brains of the operation.

RHYS: Might be worth it. Maybe you could… find a way to relax as well? Watch something mindless? Curl up w-… read a book?

FRIEDRICH: [sighs] He has been trying to get me to watch Love is Blind.

GRACE: Oh, yes, good call.

RHYS: I haven’t seen the most recent season. Is it worth it?

GRACE: Ehhhh.

RHYS: Anyway, it sounds like it would be healthy to have a little time apart every once in a while. Just to… get some breathing room.

FRIEDRICH: Fred, why?

RHYS_NARRATION: There’s a notepad on the table that he writes on. Maybe it’s because the head is closer to the body now but the writing is clearer.

GRACE: [reading] “You carry your stress in me, my friend. I would like a chance to not only remove myself from the situation, but to find myself again. What I enjoy. And then I can bring that home to you.”

FRIEDRICH: I… I mean…

GRACE: Are you at all willing to split your time?

FRIEDRICH: What do I get out of it? [SFX: the sound of writing, the book is pushed over] 

GRACE: [reading] “Time. To yourself. To be alone with your thoughts. To not be plagued with the pains of the flesh. Perhaps only the things that live in your mind that need some time to ruminate on.”

BEA: You’re very eloquent.

FRIEDRICH: Thank you. I… I don’t know.

BEA: You could just have this be a temporary arrangement for now. Maybe a trial run. 4-6 weeks where you each get a day apart. Fred can make sure you’re taken care of before he leaves, and you are allowed to keep tabs on him in case something happens.

FRIEDRICH: And what about the false head? Feels insulting.

RHYS: Come on man, you gotta let him have some ability to move undercover.

FRIEDRICH: Is that why you bought a hat?

RHYS_NARRATION: Fred holds up a tam o’shanter. It’s well made, but a little much.

FRIEDRICH: We are going appropriate hat shopping.

GRACE: Look, we don’t need to iron all this out at the moment, I think this is something for your lawyer to handle. Or, if you need one, I know a gorgon who works in family law.

FRIEDRICH: I would like their card, thank you. You can slip it onto the notebook.

GRACE: Sometimes you need some space. A break between the body and mind. It can be nice.

FRIEDRICH: How does it feel to not be able to achieve that?

RHYS: That’s why edibles exist.

GRACE: You find workarounds.

BEA: And therapy.

RHYS: And edibles. I already said that, didn’t I?

BEA: Yes.

RHYS_NARRATION: Friedrich says nothing, and his body reaches out and carefully picks him up in a comfortable motion. He places his head back on and, without even a jingle of magic, they join again, only a thin red line denoting that there was ever any split between the two. He runs his fingers through his hair and relaxes back into the chair.

FRIEDRICH: [sighs] The connection never breaks, you know? I can still feel things even when we’re not together. A banged shin, a tightness in the chest, even a hunger pang, it’s all there. You can be apart and still joined by so much. We still know so much about each other. But… he’s right. There are days when I relish the space, the ability to remain at home, quiet. I know I can feel my thoughts in my body too, those worries rumble through my stomach like thunder on a cloudy night. [a little noise of discomfort] Ah, speaking of rumbles, I can feel one in my gut right now. Lactose intolerance, what a curse. I can never resist a good mozzarella.

GRACE: Would you like for us to leave you two to think things through?

FRIEDRICH: That would be much appreciated. Thank you for all your help.

GRACE: Our pleasure. Friedrich, Fred, have a good evening.

FRIEDRICH: You as well. I’m going to order a tea. Could use a little warmth tonight.

BEA: Have a good night guys. [SFX: she gets up from her chair]

RHYS: Yeah, let us know how it all works out!

FRIEDRICH: We have a ways to go, young man. But we’ll get there. Have a lovely evening, you three. [SFX: they all get up and walk out into the parking lot and keep walking away]

RHYS: Hey, did we ever find out how the head breathes without the body around?

BEA: Fuck, I knew I forgot to ask something.

GRACE: Rhys, can you get yourself home? Bea and I have some reservations to get to and I don’t want us to be late.

RHYS: Dinner and a movie?

BEA: Yeah, what are we doing?

GRACE: It’s a surprise. Don’t worry, it’ll be fun.

 

[SFX: transition. Hollis walks into Lennox’s office]

 

LENNOX: [SFX: hangs up the phone, sighs]

HOLLIS: She’s never going to thank you for the fruit.

LENNOX: I would still like to speak with her. 

HOLLIS: Good luck with that. [pause] I have a thought for you.

LENNOX: Did it come to you while you were down by the lake last night?

HOLLIS: [sigh] Please give me privacy outside of work hours.

LENNOX: I will when you earn it back again. Now, what’s your idea? 

HOLLIS: Grace isn’t going to talk to you unless there’s some sort of threat.

LENNOX: Are you suggesting I threaten her?

HOLLIS: Were you not planning to?

LENNOX: Oh, I’m going to threaten her. Of course I’ll ask nicely first but… I’m not foolish. Besides, I’m allowed some fun as well. But that can’t be your suggestion. Too obvious.   

HOLLIS: Have you considered taking the long way around? 

LENNOX: Which is?

HOLLIS: You have your fixation, but she has hers.

LENNOX: [pause] So you’re suggesting I speak to Bea.

HOLLIS: Could hurt.

LENNOX: Me or her?

HOLLIS: Oh, why not both. 

LENNOX: Interesting. We do have two vampires now who can create new life. Why not… engage both, in a sense. The suggestion is noted. [pause] Why are you doing this?

HOLLIS: Because I want to help. 

LENNOX: Please be truthful. I’m asking. Not pulling it from you. 

HOLLIS: Because I want to get this solved and I’d rather make Grace squirm to make up for my own… frustrations. 

LENNOX: There it is. Your idea has been noted. [SFX: mouse clicking] Can you please speak to Isabella about the numbers for the AGM? I have not heard back from the London office. I assume they’ll arrive late as always.

HOLLIS: [bows] I’ll be sure to go nowhere unseemly while on my way, sir.

LENNOX: I don’t like that tone on you.

HOLLIS: Sorry daddy. 

LENNOX: Even worse! [sigh] I have a call with my lawyer to deal with the civil suit lodged against me by that damn alchemist.

HOLLIS: Do you still have access to what he was working on for you?

 LENNOX: Yes, but they’re… subpar. Created nothing but monsters and a mess. Vander, meanwhile, idiot he was, caused too much damage and now I’m paying for it. 

HOLLIS: I’m sure you can find a way to turn it into a write-off. I’ll tell the board that it was all a… misunderstanding. Or maybe a dream. Which would you prefer?

LENNOX: Whatever feels right to you. Thank you for coming by, Hollis.

HOLLIS: [dryly sarcastic] No, thank you. 

 

[SFX: transition. They are outside the ROM late into the evening]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: I’ve been preoccupied all day by this case, but I’m relishing the chance to finally be truly alone with Bea. Not at work, not at either of our respective abodes, just out. Together. It’s pleasant to think about. 

BEA: When you said this was a museum date, I didn’t expect it to be after-hours.

GRACE: I’m friends with one of the curators. She pulled a few strings and now we have a private viewing

BEA: Well, aren’t we fancy? [SFX: the door is unlocked and opened]

EMPLOYEE: Grace, welcome. [SFX: they enter, they lock the door behind them] Marisa said you’d be wanting to go take a walk around? Would you like a tour?

GRACE: No need, I’m very familiar with the collections.

EMPLOYEE: Alright then, I’ll be up at the desk until you’re ready to leave.

GRACE: Thank you so much. Bea, shall we?

BEA: Let’s. [SFX: they start walking] It’s kind of eerie being here alone. Although it’s fun seeing these without hordes of families running around you and bumping into your ankles.

GRACE: That’s one of the perks of being a vampire, lots of off-hours access. Plus, you don’t have to deal with kids if you don’t want to.

BEA: No one’s having vampire babies?

GRACE: You don’t change children. Very taboo.

BEA: That makes sense. Thank you for changing me when I was at my hottest, at least.

GRACE: Oh, I think you would have aged like a fine wine.

BEA: You are a connoisseur.

GRACE: I am.

BEA: Ooh, [SFX: she walks over] now these are my jam.

GRACE: I see you’re a medievalist.

BEA: I’m a sword enthusiast, if that counts.

GRACE: Never would’ve taken you for one, but I like that.

BEA: I’ve always wanted to swing one of these.

GRACE: [pause] Well, if you’d like…

BEA: Aren’t these museum pieces? Look with your eyes, not your hands?

GRACE: These are all replicas. You think I’ve never done this before? [SFX: she clicks a latch and slides the glass open carefully] Don’t worry, Marisa has done this before with me. Did you know that she used to work as a stuntwoman? You’ve probably unintentionally seen her in a few fantasy movies. Ah, this one. [SFX: Grace takes a rapier down] How much do you know about weaponry, my dear?

BEA: Some things. Smallsword?

GRACE: I like to stay nimble. [SFX: she gives it a swing] Pick one, if you’d like to give something a twirl. Don’t worry, they’re not fully sharp, although don’t swing too hard at me.

BEA: Alright. [SFX: she goes over and picks up a sword] How about a… Swiss degen. Whatever that is.

GRACE: Small. Light.

BEA: I mean, if I had my own I would want something a little fancier. But I don’t trust myself with anything too ornate here. Afraid I’ll knock a fake jewel off.

GRACE: Have you ever handled something like that before?

BEA: [SFX: gives it a little swing] I fenced in university, if that counts.

GRACE: The depth of your dabbling never ceases to amaze me.

BEA: What can I say? I’m curious.

GRACE: Well, you know what happens to those cats, [SFX: a clang as the swords connect and Bea blocks] not that I would ever hurt a kitten such as yourself.

BEA: Hah! As if you could.

GRACE: Is that a challenge?

BEA: What’s the saying? Come at me, bro?

GRACE: Very uncouth. [SFX: clang] But challenge accepted. [SFX: there’s some clanging and stepping and exertion noises, Grace gets the upper hand] Hah! Point to me.

BEA: Sure, back me into a corner and only show me now that you know how swords work.

GRACE: Do you like it?

BEA: It’s very hot. [SFX: She swings out at Grace and is blocked] But never doubt how intense I was in my craft in my youth. [SFX: more clanging, more steps, more noises] I… definitely… wasn’t the best… swordsman… but I am… one… thing… [SFX: she gets the upper hand] Hah. I’m very tenacious.

GRACE: I can see that.

GRACE_NARRATION: Her handle on the blade is rough with lack of practice, but I can see how she is built to fight. Long muscles on an arm that finds the memory of a weapon again quite quickly. Very appealing. She is strong. I can only hope to experience that strength in more ways than one soon enough.

GRACE: [SFX: they spar] You’ve got more skill in you than I expected. [SFX: Grace gets the upper hand] But you should be aware that I have many years of fencing under my belt as well. [SFX: she presses] And of course, I see no need to take it easy on you.

BEA: [struggling a little] That’s fine, [SFX: pushes her off] I’m not here for easy, and frankly I’d be offended if you weren’t trying. [SFX: clang] I’d prefer if you saw me as an equal.

GRACE: Oh I see you as an equal. But also, I’d like to see you on your knees. [SFX: clang] 

GRACE_NARRATION: She backs up again and trips over a small step stool, causing her to tumble to the ground. [SFX: Bea “oofs”] Before she can get up, I take the moment to place the tip of my sword under her chin, tilting it up so that our gazes lock. Her cheeks are flushed, but her eyes are electric.

BEA: If you’re looking for that, you could probably just tell me to do that. … Sorry, that just… came out. I know you could just… compel me to do something.

GRACE: You… are correct. But I never would. Not to you.

BEA: Would it feel like how it did with Lennox?

GRACE: … I don’t think so. It… really depends on the… intent of the vampire doing it.

BEA: … So… say if I- [SFX: she lunges forward] did this, could you make me stop?

GRACE: Easily.

BEA: Try it.

GRACE: What?

BEA: I want to… see what it’s like. When you do it. Or I’ll just keep swinging at you [SFX: she does another fanciful swing]!

GRACE: Oh, I’m not- [SFX: deflects] You are tenacious.

BEA: You better believe it. I don’t back down. Unless you tell me to.

GRACE: Hah. [SFX: a compel, soft and glittery] Would you like mercy? Yield to me. [SFX: Bea’s sword drops to the ground]

GRACE_NARRATION: The sword she’s holding clatters to the ground and her face goes soft. With a small gesture, she is bent before me, as pliable as clay. I take her face in my hands, her face flush, eyes locked on mine. With a soft kiss, I release the power holding her there. It’s fun. But it is not something to be used lightly.

BEA: [SFX: deep breath, coming back to herself] Wow, that was… shimmery? It was weird. Like all I could hear was your voice in my mind. Like I was underwater, lost in a warm sea.

GRACE: All vampires have the skill in some way, but some… it’s stronger.

BEA: That felt much nicer than Lennox, I will say.

GRACE: I only wanted to give you the softest touch.

BEA: Remind me to ask about that later. [SFX: shaking it off] Where were we?

GRACE: You were losing to me.

BEA: [realizing] My sword! [SFX: picks it up] Ah, a formidable challenge. But I would like to note that techniques like that are not permitted as per the rulebook.

GRACE: Whose rules are we following?

BEA: Mine. [SFX: she jumps up, clang] And I probably should’ve mentioned this, but I have more experience than just fencing.

GRACE_NARRATION: Her free arm darts out and grabs mine, distracting me. In that moment, she slides her sword underneath my own and swings upward, sending it clattering to the floor. I have been bested. [SFX: the sword clatters to the ground in the background]

BEA: I also used to LARP.

GRACE: [softly] Should I find that sexy?

BEA: [shrugs] Up to you, depends on how badly you want to see me dressed as a scholar-turned-warrior.

GRACE: Badly.

BEA: [smirks, she comes closer] Maybe I’ll break that out again sometime. But you might need to beg.

GRACE_NARRATION: She comes close to me, the blade of the sword at my throat. It is dull, only a toy, but the pretend danger in the moment still sends a thrill through my body. She keeps it there even as she moves in so tightly that our lips are almost touching. Her breath is warm and soft against my skin.

BEA: Do you submit?

GRACE: [softly] Yes.

BEA: Good girl.

GRACE_NARRATION: The flat of the blade, cool on my neck, presses in tightly as her mouth meets mine.

GRACE: You know there are cameras around here, right?

BEA: Let’s give them a show.

 

[SFX: Vampire bar. Rhys is sitting alone at the bar having a Blood Light]

 

HOLLIS: Hanging out at the bar by yourself tonight? Where are your friends?

RHYS: Off trying to find you to avenge me.

HOLLIS: Unlikely. I assume they’re off making googly eyes at each other or something equally nauseating. Have you ever seen two vampires in love? It’s terrible. Like it’s bad enough when they’re into a human. Two of them? Complete gong show.

RHYS: Are you following me?

HOLLIS: It’s a vampire bar. I’m a vampire. And so are you, surprisingly.

RHYS: [shrug] It’s been a lifestyle change.

HOLLIS: You seem to be adapting quite well.

RHYS: Yeah. … Was it supposed to be hard? Like, Bea made it feel like this existential crisis and Grace made it sound like I’d be devouring babies in the street and I just feel… fine. Hungry and definitely more likely to accidentally break something if I’m not careful with my hands, but… yeah, fine.

HOLLIS: Hm. Well, if you’re open enough to it, it’s not an insurmountable change. You understand what a vampire is so… that helps. You have… genre awareness.

RHYS: Can’t believe I can’t eat garlic bread anymore.

HOLLIS: Yeah, that part is bullshit.

RHYS: Are you trying to hang out with me? Because it’s very weird.

HOLLIS: I don’t know. I saw you over here and I was curious. I know how Grace thinks. I know Bea has no interest in interacting with me. But you? You’re a whole new ballgame.

RHYS: I’m not that obtuse.

HOLLIS: No, but you fit into this like you’re throwing on a pair of well-worn shoes. So what’s your deal, Rhys? What got you here?

RHYS: The subway.

HOLLIS: [small laugh] You have moxie. Maybe that’s why I’m entertaining this.

RHYS: Are you here spying for Lennox?

HOLLIS: The less I have to do with him, the better.

RHYS: He doesn’t seem to make a lot of friends.

HOLLIS: Lennox isn’t about friends. He’s about power. And I can respect that, but I can also hate him for it.

RHYS: Hopefully he retires soon.

HOLLIS: He’ll be out of there someday. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

RHYS: Well, when he does, push him down the stairs for me.

HOLLIS: Yeah, get in line. Look, you can either let me buy you a drink or you can continue to sit here and make eyes at the person down the bar and hope they buy you one.

RHYS: [SFX: turns to face them] I still feel like you’re going to kill me.

HOLLIS: Maybe I respect you because I tried to kill you and you survived. That’s a rare talent.

RHYS: I like to think of myself as one of a kind.

HOLLIS: Hm. Then let me buy you a drink to… celebrate your transformation. And as an olive branch, I guess.

RHYS: Are you going to poison it?

HOLLIS: Wasn’t currently planning on it.

RHYS: Right. Ok. Something on the rocks, please.

HOLLIS: Gross. But fine. Do you want to talk about work?

RHYS: Do you?

HOLLIS: No.

RHYS: Great! Let’s just… drink in silence, then. Very normal.

 

[SFX: transition. They’re walking down Grace’s street in the quiet evening]

  

GRACE_NARRATION: The air is heavy and warm as we come up the walk. Bea’s hand is in mine. It’s soft but strong, her grip is comforting. Warming. I like it. 

BEA: You sure you want to spend the night at yours again? I feel like I’ve been here a lot. Don’t want to take up too much space.

GRACE: You never would. Besides, I’ve grown quite… used to your presence.

BEA: You really know how to woo a girl. 

GRACE_NARRATION: I don’t want this night to end.

BEA: [SFX: they keep walking, then Bea stops] Uh, Grace?

GRACE: [SFX: she stops] … what is that?

BEA: I don’t know, but it’s on your door. [SFX: they walk over] Oh my god.

GRACE: Oh for crying out loud. {SFX: she walks over quickly and starts trying to yank the knife out of the wood in the door] 

BEA: Careful! That’s a big knife!

GRACE: And it’s jammed in my damn door! [SFX: she wrenches it free; she pulls a piece of paper off of it] Read this.

BEA: You seem shockingly nonplussed.

GRACE: I already know who it’s going to be from.

BEA: Lennox?

GRACE: Who else? You know how many doors of mine he’s ruined over the years? Countless, at this point! He could just send a text or call or something, but no, he has to take the DRAMATIC option every time.

BEA: [SFX: she takes the paper, gives it a read] Hello darling, sorry about the door-

GRACE: Hah!

BEA: I know you’re going to scoff at that, but I thought I’d make a little entrance. Make sure you know exactly what’s going on. And just sending a text didn’t seem like… enough.

GRACE: Did he include an ellipsis or are you just reading it like that?

BEA: He included it. Anyway: Please come by the office, there is something I want from you.

GRACE: Oh for crying out loud, as if-

BEA: Wait. I have a letter drafted for the board exposing your little secret. Bea’s as well. If you do not respond in the affirmative, I will be forced to pass it on to them and, once that happens, whatever actions they choose to follow will be out of my hands. What does that mean?

GRACE: [pause] Can we go inside?

BEA: Yeah, yeah. [SFX: they go inside, Grace locks the door, sighs, places her head against it] Grace? What’s going on?

GRACE: He’s going to tell the board about us.

BEA: Yes, I gathered that. Who’s the board?

GRACE: The board of directors for the company. A lot of old vampires with old ideas who do not want to lose their power.

BEA: As is tradition with any board. I know that us… being able to turn other vampires is not a great thing to spread around, but like… would they kill us or something?

GRACE: That would require them to do the work. They’re the board, Bea. Boards aren’t here to get their fingers dirty. That’s what employees are for. And we’d be employees.

BEA: So, what, we have to play ball with Lennox?

GRACE: I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t trust that he wouldn’t act on this threat.

BEA: What’s he going to get us to do?

GRACE: I’m sure he’s just trying to mess with us. But… [sigh] he’s got power again. I’m so fucking TIRED of it.

BEA: [SFX: holding her] Hey, hey, it’s ok, we’ll… figure something out. We’ll see what he’s looking for and then… maybe not do it?

GRACE: I just wanted to be free of him. I fear that I never will be.

BEA: You will be. I’ll find a way. Or I’ll just… eat him or something.

GRACE: You can use that mouth for better things.

BEA: Oh, true!

GRACE_NARRATION: Her mouth locks onto mine but my mind is still partially elsewhere. This is not the first door of mine ruined by this man, but I know that I cannot leave things like this for long. I need to see what’s on. And I need to know who I can trust, because things feel rickety, shaky in a way that they haven’t in so, so many years. I want nothing more than to fall into Bea. But I know there is something that lurks around the corner waiting for both of us.

 

[SFX: transition. Hollis’s office]

 

HOLLIS_NARRATION: How do you solve a problem where every viable way forward is nothing but thorns and rutted paths, deep with old scars and endless fonts of emotion? I am more tired than my age should allow. I want quiet. I want these people away from me. I want them out of my way.

HOLLIS: Hm.

MICHAEL: She’s going to be a stick in the mud, I will warn you.

HOLLIS: A minor issue.

MICHAEL: As long as you’re aware.

HOLLIS: Thank you, Michael. Doesn’t have to be smart, just has to work.

MICHAEL: Grace seems quite… testy.

HOLLIS: Grace is a sentimental being. She is strong but… her heart is soft. I like that about her.

MICHAEL: In what way?

HOLLIS: [shrug] Several. It’s enjoyable. For me. Her, less so. I know what buttons to push. And unlike Lennox, I’m willing to push them.

MICHAEL: Ok, I want to run through a few scenarios: what if he gets into her dreams?

HOLLIS: I can handle that.

MICHAEL: What if he gets wind through Bea?

HOLLIS: Bea will need to stay in the dark. I don’t want her in this space.

MICHAEL: And if there are other vampires getting in the way?

HOLLIS: Kill or be killed. Not the first time I’ve done that. … Do you remember that project that Lennox was working on with that alchemist?

MICHAEL: Vaguely. I mostly just handled arranging meetings with Vander.

HOLLIS: [SFX: they toss them a set of keys] There is a box in the storage chambers with info on what they were working on. Can you bring it to me? There are some things I’d like to look into.

MICHAEL: I thought it didn’t work out.

HOLLIS: Just because it didn’t work as expected, doesn’t mean it’s not potentially useful.

MICHAEL: Right. [SFX: goes to leave, stops] Isn’t… like… everything boobytrapped down there?

HOLLIS: Hm. You know what? Ask the intern. And then message facilities. And remind me to get you a raise.

MICHAEL: Got it.

 

[SFX: transition to a quiet bedroom. Bea and Grace are asleep in bed. Bea is beginning to toss and turn]

 

BEA: [mumbling in her sleep] No… I… I don’t… what…

GRACE: [SFX: sits up, gently rouses her] Hey… hey-

BEA: [wakes up suddenly] Huh? What’s going on?

GRACE: You were talking in your sleep, thrashing around a bit.

BEA: Oh, sorry. I must’ve been dreaming.

GRACE: Anything involving Lennox?

BEA: … I don’t think so. Just a bad dream.

GRACE: Did you have a good night?

BEA: I did.

GRACE: [cuddles up against her] Me too.

BEA: Go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you.

GRACE: It’s ok.

BEA: Yeah. Yeah… [sigh]

 

[end]

 

 

 

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Emily Kellogg as Grace
Alex Nursall as Bea
Ian Boddy as Rhys
Rob Deobald as Lennox
J Strautman as Hollis
Niall Spain as Friedrich
Taylor Davis as Aurelius
Shaun Oldfield as Michael
and Harleen Bhogal as the ROM Employee

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Alex Nursall and Emily
This episode was written and directed by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm