Woodbine

Summary

“Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and you’ll understand them better,” that’s an approximation of the saying, right? Well, what about their socks? And their pants? And their shirt? And their skin? The feeling of their muscles and bones moving in concert, a feeling you understand but is still completely and utterly foreign to you, because they are not yours. What then?

Bea and Lennox experience a bit of a shift in their perceptions of the other person, but not in a way you’d expect. And now it’s Grace and Rhys’s problem. Or, wait, which one are you again? … Hoo boy.

Content Warnings: sex (implied)

Transcript

[SFX: A quiet evening, standing outside Grace’s place]

 

BEA_: [talking to herself] Alright, I think… yes. Let’s see what happens. [SFX: knocking at a door, Grace comes and answers it] 

GRACE: Bea? Are you ok? What’s wrong?

BEA_: Grace, oh, I just had to come see you. I need… a friendly face. And some help.

GRACE: What happened with Lennox?

BEA_: I’ll explain. May I come in?

GRACE: Of course, tell me what happened. [SFX: closes the door, doesn’t lock it]

BEA_: Ah, he was just his usual… frustrating self. I’m sure you know all about that.

GRACE: Uh, yes, what did he do?

BEA_: He… we had a bit of an issue and… he tried to abandon me in the bushes. Leave me there! Like some sort of… total asshole.

GRACE: And you just… left?

BEA_: I won’t lie, there was a small altercation. It’s ok, I’m fine. He’s… worse for wear, but that’s a problem for later. What other choice did I have?

GRACE: Right…

BEA_: I just wanted to… come by. Decompress first. And then… deal with the situation at hand. It’s… complicated.

GRACE: Yes. … Sorry, I was just about to have a glass of wine. Would you like one? Then you can tell me exactly what happened and we can see how best to deal with this-… with him.

BEA_: [amused] Oh, lovely. What are you feeling?

GRACE: You pick. I know your favourite is Zweigelt. I picked some up.

BEA_: Delightful! You always had such wonderful taste. [SFX: she walks over to the wine rack] Oh, so many good options. Remind me, the Zweigelt is where- [SFX: she makes a choked noise as Grace holds a silver knife to her neck] What are you doing? Is this what you do for foreplay?

GRACE: Who are you?

BEA_: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you although I am hoping that you will, and I don’t appreciate the knife at my neck, not that it would kill me.

GRACE: It’s silver, idiot.

BEA_: Grace, calm down!

GRACE: Bea’s favourite wine is not Zweigelt. She wouldn’t know a Zweigelt from a Zinfandel, you are not her!

BEA_: [strained] Grace!

GRACE: What are you? Shape shifter? Dream monster? A particularly advanced gelatinous cube?

BEA_: Please relax-

GRACE: Tell me where Bea is.

BEA_: She’s right here! This is Bea! Do NOT damage the body-[SFX: choked noise]

GRACE: Give me one reason to not cut you open.

BEA_: [quietly but with a mean smile] Because you will regret it, my dear.

GRACE: [SFX: pulling back] … who are you?

BEA_: [SFX: adjusting] I knew I should’ve been more careful with using the correct verbiage.

GRACE: … no way. [SFX: the door bursts open, Lennox storms in]

LENNOX_: [Bea] GIVE ME BACK MY BODY, YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

 

[SFX: Transition. Grace’s living room]

 

LENNOX_NARRATION_: [as Bea] Alright, where to begin…

So, Lennox has been stepping up his requests. At first he only wanted to keep an eye on Grace, now it’s… favours. He asks for us to handle little jobs – pick–ups, clean ups, the kind of things where you could easily do it yourself but can instead inconvenience someone else with it, I’m sure it’s just a power play – annoying things that we have no interest in doing but, y’know, he’s got one fang to our necks. It’s making us all a little batty – please ignore the pun, puns – but… he asked me to come with him to take a look at a possible fairy ring near his property. It… wasn’t something I really wanted to do, spending time with him one-on-one, but Grace… she said I should, that there wasn’t much choice. She had other errands to run. She said they were for work but… I don’t know. Something’s up. But I couldn’t stick around to see what her deal was and I couldn’t tell Lennox to stuff it, so off I went into the night to wander around Ashbridge’s Bay with him.

 

[SFX: Woodbine Park at night. They walk for a while in silence]

 

GRACE: [voice note, Lennox is listening out loud] Hello Lennox. It’s Thursday. I… had a latte today and it was… good. Work is busy. I had a case where someone said they were attacked by some sort of ghast or whatever but no one believes them, wanted us to see if we could figure out what it was. I don’t know, maybe you’re behind it. Who are you employing these days, some sort of spooky ghouls? Big gnashing teeth and what have you? It was probably you. Anyway, that’s how things are going. I have to get back to work. Bye.

BEA: You don’t have to listen to that out loud while I’m here.

LENNOX: I thought you’d like to hear a friendly voice.

BEA: And you don’t have to follow so close.

LENNOX: It’s quite dark out.

BEA: Not really an issue for either of us.

LENNOX: Maybe I just wanted to make sure you’re safe.

BEA: Then why are you here?

LENNOX: I don’t trust you to have a solid grip on the dangers of fae magic.

BEA: Then deal with it yourself.

LENNOX: That’s much less fun. Besides, I don’t want Grace keeping you locked up in that office. Too stuffy.

BEA: Ugh. [SFX: they keep walking] Is that it?

LENNOX: No.

BEA: Is that it?

LENNOX: No.

BEA: Is that it?

LENNOX: No-… are you doing this to annoy me?

BEA: Yes.

LENNOX: [sighs] You know, there’s a lot of skills you could be honing right now if you focused on the task on hand rather than acting childish.

BEA: You want me to act childish? [SFX: stops, flops down on the ground] I’m not going anywhere unless you promise that we can get Dairy Queen after this.

LENNOX: Bea-

BEA: And I want a raise on my allowance. Grace got one!

LENNOX: If I have to, I will toss you over my shoulder and carry you out of here.

BEA: Touch me and I’ll rip your face off.

LENNOX: I have no plans to do such a thing unless I absolutely have to, believe me. [deep breath] I wanted to be able to speak to you in person. In reality.

BEA: Cute. Bugging me in my dreams and in real life.

LENNOX: You’re still too reticent to accept what you are and what you can do.

BEA: Look, I’m used to the blood drinking. I’m getting over the annoyance that I can’t go in the sun anymore. And my fun little power is to see death and pain, so it just kind of sucks.

LENNOX: It’s more useful than you think. Have you tried actually using it?

BEA: Yes, I shake hands with someone and I see that they did something bad. It’s not that interesting outside of some sort of… vague work-related contexts.

LENNOX: No, you can push back. You can do much more with it.

BEA: What are you talking about?

LENNOX: You can make others see, and you can… change how they see things. You have to find the thought, the tangible edges of it and mould it into something that you can handle. Push it into their minds.

BEA: … How do you know that?

LENNOX: [casual] You share abilities with Vivian. I got to witness what she could do firsthand. You figure these things out. Here. Let’s try. [he extends a hand] I promise that I won’t do anything. You just need to gently touch my hand.

BEA_NARRATION: His hand outstretched, palm up, eyes on me. It is like staring into a bottomless pit, I can feel fear start to chew at the base of my skull. But I reach out in return anyway.

LENNOX: [SFX: she steps forward and gently takes his hand] Very good. I’m going to think of something small, ok? Then I want you to find the boundaries of it. Think of it like… trying to find the ends of a sheet while in bed. When it’s tangled in the comforter. Straighten it out.

BEA_NARRATION: As our skin comes into contact, I can already start to feel flashes of violence pop into my brain, pushing at the doors… and I relax, and a memory comes crashing through: Lennox, younger – younger than I could ever imagine him, he’s… he’s still human – a boy, barely a man, inexpertly holding a knife. A much larger man stands above him with a much larger knife. He’s… being robbed. It is very disorienting to see him so… weak.

LENNOX_YOUNGER: [in the memory, he brandishes the knife] Back off! Just let me go!

BEA_NARRATION: He’s terrified. I don’t know what to do with this.

LENNOX: [current, behind her] Ah, to be young again. Oh, this is an occurrence. Not a good one, but not the worst I’ve been through.

BEA: What am I supposed to do?

LENNOX: Concentrate. Find the boundaries with your mind. Then… pull.

BEA_NARRATION: [SFX: wind picking up around her] It’s like trying to find the outline of wind. A young Lennox, scared, sweating, he’s human and I can somehow smell his body, the fear on his skin, and I can sense the big man’s malice and how it radiates off of him. It’s palpable, I… [SFX: the wind quiets down]

BEA: I can feel it.

LENNOX: Take it. And change it. And then give it back to me.

BEA_NARRTION: The boundaries of the memory feel ephemeral, and my fingertips stroke the lines that make it up like spiderwebs, trying to not break them. And in that moment, I can feel those threads tug at the people in the dream, ever so slightly. A finger twitches different. The corner of a mouth dragging down.

LENNOX: Oh, very good.

BEA_NARRATION: The man lunges towards a young Lennox, and… I feel the memory tear in half. On one side, what really happened: The knife plunges into Lennox’s arm, he gets pushed to the ground, his bag ripped from his side, and the man runs away, leaving a poor sad boy on the ground, bleeding and weeping. But the new version, I start to pull. Lennox steps to the left and the man’s lunge sends him off-balance, giving him the chance to push him down. The big man’s head makes a sickening crack on the ground. The younger Lennox turns and runs, not giving a backwards glance, as the tough rolls around in pain on the stones.

LENNOX: Surprising! I assumed you would’ve pushed to have me suffer a worse fate.

BEA: It felt… what… what does this mean?

LENNOX: It means that, while this isn’t what happened, I’ll have a much nicer memory of that night moving forward. At least a version of it.

BEA: I changed your mind?

LENNOX: You… massaged it. Who knows, maybe in 100 years this will be the only version I remember. If you were adept, you could… do a lot more. As I said, work on your abilities. Or flail, if you prefer. Come. [SFX: starts walking again]. Ah, just ahead. See that?

BEA: [SFX: catching up to him] Oh, the uh… little ring of mushrooms?

LENNOX: Finally, now I know where the rift has been forming. One of my assistants came back from an evening off with half their mind replaced with a raccoon’s, took three whole days to figure it out. I thought maybe they annoyed the wrong witch-

BEA: Witches are real?

LENNOX: Yes, keep up, and be careful. One wrong move and we’re both going to be feeling it, these things are unpredictable.

BEA: So what do you want me to do?

LENNOX: Destroy it.

BEA: … You literally said it breaks your brain if you get too close.

LENNOX: Yes, that’s why you’re here.

BEA: Oh, great.

LENNOX: Why do you think I have a shovel? Don’t worry, its iron, you’ll be fine, just over here.

BEA: [SFX: getting closer] Where? [SFX: walks into a branch] Ow, shit-

LENNOX: Careful, don’t-

BEA: I’m fine.

LENNOX: It’s not you I’m worried about- [SFX: trips over the shovel] Whoa! [SFX: flails, grabs Bea in a panic]

BEA: Gah! No, let go- [SFX: starts to fall] No no no no- [SFX: he hits the ground hard and lets out a pained noise. BWAMP magic time, they both are lying there groaning]

BEA_: [Lennox] Ow… I apologize, I shouldn’t have tried to use you to… stop… me… [realization setting in] Oh, oh no.

LENNOX_: [Bea] [groaning in pain] My fuckin’ head-

BEA_: This was not the plan, I’ll say that.

LENNOX_: I feel like I’m gonna barf-… [SFX: feels body, uh oh] wait-

BEA_: Yes, I think this might be a bit of an issue.

LENNOX_: Why am I in your body? Why are YOU in MY body?

BEA_: Bea, it’s fine, I’m sure there’s a way to fix this-

LENNOX_: [SFX: lunges at him] YOU FUCKER- [SFX: they scuffle]

BEA_: Bea! [SFX: struggling] Oh dear god, you should really work on your upper body strength. [struggling, BAMF Bea’s powers kick in unintentionally] Oh, wow, is this how your powers work? Disorienting, to say the least. Can’t believe you once threw a rock at someone’s head. Very classless, even if you were a child. My dear, I am so sorry, but- [SFX: cracks Lennox hard in the head, he collapses to the ground] Just so you know, this will be much worse for me once I get my body back. Ugh. This was not what I needed tonight… I’m going to call- [SFX: digs around on Lennox’s body]… ah, phone screen was smashed in the kerfuffle. Do you have yours?

LENNOX_NARRATION_: My phone sits in the middle of the circle of mushrooms, butterfly wings now sprouting from it. It tries to fly and gets about one foot off the ground before exploding in a series of sparks and glitter.

LENNOX_: Nooo, that was new!

BEA_: I’m sure Grace will let you expense a new one. [sighs] If you excuse me, I’m going to go speak to Grace, get her help. Wait here.

LENNOX_: [groaning] You piece of-

BEA_: Language, child. Rest. You look like you’re going to throw up. If you do, please do not get it on my pants, they’re very comfortable and I do not feel like buying a new pair. Gather yourself. I will be back, believe me. You’re… I’m going to have a goose egg after all this, thank you for nothing. [SFX: Lennox still uncomfortable] I’ll be back with aid shortly. Don’t do anything foolish. [SFX: walking away] Ah, got to admit, not too bad of a body to be in. [calling back] Don’t rush! I’ll be back. [quietly] Might as well see what it’s like on the other side…

 

[SFX: transition, back to Grace’s]

 

LENNOX_NARRATION: [Bea] That idiot absolutely clocked me. Himself? Me. Whatever, either way my head hurts. Joke’s on him though, I’m going to ruin his cuticles while I’m stuck in here.

GRACE: Let’s go back through the fairy circle.

BEA_: [Lennox] I don’t know if it’ll work the same way, the magic is… tricky.

LENNOX_: Why wouldn’t it?

BEA_: The body swap isn’t the only thing it does, they’re little spots of discordant arcane power. Usually the fae in the city would clean them up but-

GRACE: They clearly missed one. [SFX: rubbing her face with her hands] Sorry, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this.

LENNOX_: Yeah, you’re telling me.

BEA_: It’s not that hard to comprehend.

LENNOX_: If you do ANYTHING weird in my body, I’m going to go give you such a sunburn.

BEA_: My body is just as precious in this moment as yours is. If I were you though, I would consider using a new conditioner.

LENNOX_: I am aware!

GRACE: Both of you, stop! I’m going to call my guy-

LENNOX_: You have a guy? How often does this happen?

GRACE: It never happens, but fae magic is not unheard of. For example, Lennox, there was that incident back in… 1989, I think.

BEA_: Ah, yes, the crop failure. That’s why I stopped investing in wheat.

LENNOX_: Faeries did that?

GRACE: The ex-husband of a farmer we’d been working with, turned out that he had fae ancestry. He never forgave her for that affair.

BEA_: Complete blight. Shame. It was a well run farm.

GRACE: Anyway, I have a repairman. They’re… well, they’re also fae, but they work for hire. [SFX: dialling, calling, phone ringing in background]

LENNOX_: Are they good? They can put me back, right?

BEA_: I’ve had worse experiences.

LENNOX_: I will absolutely eat something that makes your stomach feel awful, I’ll do it.

GRACE: Shh! [SFX: they picks up]

GINGER: [phone] Bracken & Fern, this is Ginger.

GRACE: Hey, Ginger, it’s Grace Hawthorne. How’re you doing?

GINGER: [phone] Grace! Been ages. I’m good, how’ve you been?

GRACE: Things have been fine, but uh, I’m calling because I’m in need of some of your services… uh huh. Yeah. … Yes, I know, but… ok, but Ginger, it’s an emergency. … What do you mean 3 weeks?!

 

[SFX: transition to walking back through the park. Three people walking in silence, the sound of footsteps running over]

 

RHYS: [SFX: catching up to them] Hey! What’d I miss?

LENNOX_: A lot.

RHYS: Oh, weird. You’re still Bea, right?

LENNOX_: Yep.

BEA_: I mean, what are you into?

LENNOX_: Zip it! Ginger said they’ve got to check their calendar but they think it’ll be three weeks until they have another opening.

RHYS: Oh come on.

LENNOX_: Yeah, you’re telling me.

GRACE: It’s just over here, right?

LENNOX_: Yep.

RHYS: You’re actually taking his advice?

BEA_: It isn’t so much advice as it is our only real option right now, seeing as I feel like our… Bea-Lennox crossover event over here would be less than thrilled to let me out of their sight until then.

LENNOX_: You keep me where I can see me!

GRACE: Rhys, walk with me. These two have been sniping at each other for the last 20 minutes straight.

RHYS: Roger. [SFX: stands beside Grace] Both of you, pull yourselves together.

LENNOX_: He started it!

BEA_: Technically it would’ve been the first fae who moved to the area that eventually became Toronto in 1642, but… I do not feel like causing a bigger fuss than already has occurred. [SFX: they start walking again]

GRACE: Bea, darling, I know you’re pissed, but let’s see if this will work.

LENNOX_: I’d ask what the worst that could happen would be but-

BEA_: The force of us returning to our bodies could cause both of our heads to explode.

LENNOX_: Shut up!

GRACE: [SFX: slips while walking] Oh!

LENNOX_: Careful. Babe, those shoes are lovely but they are not meant for this.

GRACE: … Yeah, can we avoid pet names for now? It’s weird.

LENNOX_: Sorry.

GRACE: Just over here?

BEA_: Yes, but be careful-

GRACE: Just want to get a closer look at it, see if I can feel out any of the magic around it…

LENNOX_: You can do that?

GRACE: I used to be very close with a fae.

BEA_: Astrid?

GRACE: Yeah. We still talk sometimes, although the time difference is difficult with Bali.

BEA_: Ah, shame. She was always very friendly.

GRACE: Rhys, can you bring that flashlight over here?

RHYS: Yep. Sorry, you’re talking about this thing? [SFX: walking over]

GRACE: [SFX: trying to stop him] RHYS NO, DON’T-[SFX: BAMF, uh oh]

RHYS_: [Grace] –Don’t take another step. Oh, no.

GRACE_: [Rhys] Uh… guys?

LENNOX_: Oh, shit.

BEA_: Hah! You guys too, huh?

RHYS_: This is not what I needed right now.

GRACE_: Sorry?

RHYS_: [sighs] Let’s call Ginger again.

 

[SFX: transition, sitting on a bench. Grace!Rhys is throwing rocks into the lake]

 

LENNOX_NARRATION: [Bea] Lennox’s body is… well, it’s definitely different from mine. There’s the feeling that every part of it is calculated, like he has spent an eternity figuring out how best to optimize it. Like, you wouldn’t know it just from looking at him, he’s just… a man, really, but inside… it’s like existing in a fancy minimalist mansion made human. A bauhaus man. I’ve been ruining his nails though, just because. Meanwhile, I’m watching Rhys call Ginger over and over again trying to get ahold of them but… he’s Grace now. It’s… uh… I had the realization that I’ve seen them both nude. Oh god, don’t think about that right now.

RHYS_: [Grace] [SFX: hangs up the phone, sighs] Alright, so they can squeeze us in earlier, but it’ll be an after-hours extra charge.

LENNOX_: [Bea] Don’t care, this is deeply stupid.

RHYS_: Yeah, you’re telling me. At least I have a 6-pack now.

LENNOX_: Enjoy it.

RHYS_: I will. Meanwhile, I’m watching myself throw rocks into the lake to kill time. It’s very… off putting.

GRACE_: [Rhys] I can hear you, you know.

RHYS_: Sorry. Don’t throw my shoulder out!

GRACE_: I’m aware, don’t worry.

LENNOX_: Can I offer an intrusive thought?

RHYS_: Sure.

LENNOX_: Imaging making out right now.

RHYS_: Oh my god.

LENNOX_: I mean I wouldn’t for… many reasons, but imagine it?

GRACE_: I can still hear you! Nothing explicit in my body unless I’m also there. And also that body’s owner is willing as well. And there’s some time to stretch in advance.

RHYS_: Don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen.

GRACE_: [SFX: walking over] You could really use a massage.

RHYS_: Today has been stressful.

GRACE_: Honestly, had worse days.

LENNOX_: Have you though?

GRACE_: [accidental magic time] Don’t tell me how to feel. [SFX: Lennox makes a little strangled sound] Oh, oh shit.

RHYS_: Careful with that.

GRACE_: I mean, it’s cool but also-

RHYS_: Yeah.

GRACE_: Yeah… [pause] Ok, can I pitch something to you?

LENNOX_: How stupid is it?

GRACE_: Pretty stupid. Lennox, can you come here? [SFX: Bea walks over] 

BEA_: [Lennox] Yes?

GRACE_: [Rhys] Here’s my thought: What if we just… all walk in together?

RHYS_: [Grace] Can’t hurt.

BEA_: [Lennox] Yes it can.

LENNOX_: [Bea] You got a better idea?

BEA_: [sighs] No. Alright, let’s just… see what happens. All at the same time?

RHYS_: Makes sense to me. Sort of. I just want to get this figured out before it gets too weird. Alright, think really hard about… yourself. Everyone lined up on the edge? Ok, step through on three. One… two… three. [SFX: they all take a step and BAMF. Everyone is suddenly getting up off the ground, disoriented]

LENNOX_: [Grace] Ugh… Bea?

RHYS_: [Bea] Yeah?

LENNOX_: Ah, shit.

RHYS_: Grace? You there?

LENNOX_: Unfortunately.

GRACE_: [Lennox] Yes, that didn’t work. [pause] Oh, now this is fun.

LENNOX_: Lennox, If you do ANYTHING untoward while you’re in my body-

GRACE_: [a little wicked] I would never.

LENNOX_: I cast only doubt on that statement.

BEA_: [Rhys] So my grand idea did not go as planned…

RHYS_: No, and now my… Rhys’s? Shoulder hurts.

BEA_: Yeah, I got an old hockey injury that acts up sometimes.

RHYS_: Of course you do.

LENNOX_: We’re not walking through that again.

GRACE_: Not a chance. We need to speak to a professional.

LENNOX_: Don’t you think I’ve tried?

RHYS_: Have you heard back from them?

LENNOX_: Not yet. Let me call again… [SFX: walks away a little bit] Ginger, I NEED you to pick up.

BEA_: [awkward silence] So, uh…

RHYS_: Don’t make it weird.

BEA_: No promises.

GRACE_: I don’t know whether you two actually had a dalliance before in the past, but I just want you to know that he’s definitely thought about it.

BEA_/RHYS_: Hey!

GRACE_: In detail.

RHYS_: I’m not confirming anything but honestly, not really a big concern right now.

GRACE_: Are you actually into-

RHYS_: Nope, not answering. Shut up. I hate this.

BEA_: You’re flat footed?

RHYS_: I’ve been meaning to look at something with arch support.

GRACE_: Grace, darling, did you ever tell Bea about the time that we did peyote and thought we had switched bodies, when really it was just all the drugs?

RHYS_: How much did that take?

GRACE_: Enough to flatten a small town, I think.

LENNOX_: Alright, I’m OVER this-

GRACE_: Oh, now we’ve gone too far-

LENNOX_: [SFX: furiously calling someone] GINGER. Hi. Sorry, but I need to see you NOW.

 

[SFX: Transition. They’re in a workshop, it’s tastefully decorated in a maximalist kind of way]

 

GINGER: Yeesh, you guys really threw your bodies for a loop.

LENNOX_: Just get us back to normal. I’ll pay the extra costs.

GINGER: Sorry Grace, I know it’s steep, it’s just that these materials are all single use.

GRACE_: I’ll chip in if I have to, just please let me get my night back on track.

GINGER: I’m not doing this for you, Lennox, I’m doing this for Grace.

GRACE_: One bad contract and you’ll hold a grudge for an eternity.

GINGER: I’ve always loved a good grudge. Now, who’s who?

GRACE_: [sigh] Lennox.

LENNOX_: Grace.

BEA_: Rhys!

RHYS_: Bea.

GINGER: Ah, alright, simple enough. And you haven’t taken too much psychic damage, which is great. Only a little. Any of you seeing figures out of the corners of your eyes? Tasting salt air? Aware of the constant slow passage of time?

RHYS_: No?

GINGER: Excellent, then we’re in luck. Now, please, can you stand there, [SFX: everyone shuffles around] great. Hm. Alright, let me just attune the stone… ok, I’ve recalculated the planar differential, you all pellucid?

GRACE_: Yes?

GINGER: Believe me, you’d know if you weren’t. Alright, you might feel all your cells scud-

ALL: What?

GINGER: And… alakazam! [SFX: magic go bwoip] Hah! That term means nothing but it’s fun to say. Alright, you guys should all be back to normal.

GRACE_: [Bea] Yeah, about that…

RHYS_: [Lennox] You IDIOT.

LENNOX_: [Rhys] Ok, now it’s even weirder.

BEA_: [Grace] I will be asking for a refund, thank you.

GINGER: What? No, look, the selenite is obviously nacreous! You should all be back to the right bodies-… oh.

BEA_: Tell me the “oh.”

GINGER: I may have used the wrong powder here. [checks] Ah, yeah, I was supposed to use hot paprika. I accidentally grabbed sweet.

GRACE_: Yeah, we are very aware of the issue.

RHYS_: Right genders. Wrong bodies.

GINGER: Ahhh, yeah. Sorry about that.

RHYS_: Can you please redo the spell?

GINGER: Well…

RHYS_: No, don’t “well” this, do it! Return me to my correct form!

GRACE_: Yeah, all of us, please.

GINGER: Ahhhhh, see here’s the issue, doing this burns through the materials, right? Like that’s just how magic works, it requires fuel. And, well, I don’t do this often. So I don’t have a lot of fuel for this kind of thing kicking around-

BEA_: Good god.

GINGER: So I can do this eventually, and I won’t going to charge you, but I’ll need some time.

ALL: [various groaning and complaining noises]

GINGER: It’ll be fine! No added expense, I swear.

BEA_: The expense isn’t the issue.

GRACE_: How long is this going to take?

GINGER: If I can call my guy, it’ll take… hm… maybe I’ll be ready tomorrow?

RHYS_: Good lord.

LENNOX_: So… until then we just have to…

GINGER: I’d say you should head home and relax. Maybe watch a movie. Take a nap.

RHYS_: Oh no, I’m not letting you out of my sight.

LENNOX_: You seemed pretty chill about it when it was Bea in your body.

RHYS_: Yes, well I’ve seen what’s inside your head.

LENNOX_: And? … you know what? Fair.

RHYS_: So I’ll be sticking by you until then.

LENNOX_: Want to go get some dinner?

RHYS_: [sighs] Fine. I’m picking the place, though. My car is out back. Can I have my keys? Left pant pocket.

LENNOX_: I can’t drive?

RHYS_: No! Grace, stay in touch. Come. [SFX: they walk away]

LENNOX_: What kind of car?

RHYS_: I decided to take the Miata out for a spin.

LENNOX_: Oh come on, please let me drive.

RHYS_: Can you drive a manual?

LENNOX_: Hell yes I can. I actually used to be a truck driver back when I was living in Newfoundland for a bit, you ever been out there?… [he keeps talking as they disappear down the hall]

GRACE_: Well, uh… want to go back to your place?

BEA_: Yes. Let’s.

 

[SFX: transition. At Grace’s, in the living room. They’re watching a movie]

 

GRACE_NARR: [Bea] I mean, could be a worse set up. I could still be Lennox. Or Rhys. Actually, being Rhys wasn’t too bad, although there’s just a lot more… muscle than I’m used to. But jumping around bodies, it’s… you learn a lot about someone spending time in their form. The little idiosyncrasies of their beings. The small things within them that make them move the way they do, react the way they do, and you feel things differently. I’ve got to say, it was… odd getting to walk around in Lennox’s body. His nerves felt attuned in a way that mine never have been. It was like being lightly electrified at all times. I can’t say it was pleasant. But being in Grace’s body, it’s… well, it’s definitely more relatable. It’s a lot closer to home, in a sense. But there are small changes. Little things that I’ve noticed. But I like it more. It’s… nice, in a way. I can feel things the way she does.

GRACE_: Can I… float something by you?

BEA_: You may.

GRACE_: So like, we’ve already seen each other naked.

BEA_: A few times, yes.

GRACE_: And of all people, I’m comfortable with having you in my body.

BEA_: Phrasing, but also yes.

GRACE_: So… I’m just… curious to know what it feels like… y’know… for you.

BEA_: … like-

GRACE_: Yeah. I mean, sorry, I’m probably overstepping a boundary but-

BEA_: Bea?

GRACE_: Yeah?

BEA_: Kiss me.

 

[SFX: transition. A nice restaurant]

 

WAITER: And for yourself?

LENNOX_: [Rhys] Ah, yes, bring me your most expensive option.

RHYS_: [Lennox] No, no, don’t listen to him

LENNOX_: Oh, I insist! My treat.

WAITER: Excellent, I will be right back. [SFX: they leave]

RHYS_: You absolute toad.

LENNOX_: Look buddy, you got your underling-

RHYS_: Employee.

LENNOX_: Semantics! To try and murder me. I deserve something nice.

RHYS_: Fine. But if you dare order the tasting menu with wine pairing I will be sending the bill to Grace and will be making sure that she docks your pay.

LENNOX_: Fair enough. [SFX: cell phone starts ringing] Oh, uh… that’s… mine.

RHYS_: [SFX: pulls phone out of pocket] Ah, yes. [realization] Oh!

LENNOX_: Who is it?

RHYS_: Not who I expected. [picks up] Hello?

HOLLIS: [phone] Hey. You free? I need to blow off some steam.

RHYS_: Uh… and do what?

HOLLIS: [phone] What do you think? Why else would I be calling you?

RHYS_: I can’t imagine there are many reasons.

HOLLIS: [phone] No. If you’re not up for it that’s no skin off my back but just say so.

RHYS_: I’m… busy at the moment.

LENNOX_: [whispering] Is it Bea?

HOLLIS: [phone] Fine. But if you’re too much of a wimp to stick around then just call it. I can find an outlet elsewhere.

RHYS_: I don’t doubt it. [SFX: Hollis hangs up] Well then.

LENNOX_: I’m guessing it… wasn’t Bea.

RHYS_: You and Hollis?

LENNOX_: Shh! SHHHHHH-

RHYS_: In what WORLD would you get yourself involved with that-

LENNOX_: Shut up! It’s just a physical thing-

RHYS_: I’m sure it is, I can’t see them having much of an interest in your… mind-

LENNOX_: Excuse you, I’m very interesting-

RHYS_: Oh, I don’t doubt it after that phone call. Have you told Bea and/or Grace?

LENNOX_: … no.

RHYS_: Hah! You idiot. You’ve absolutely screwed the bat here.

LENNOX_: Is that a traditional vampire saying?

RHYS_: Hollis better be worth it, or else you’re in for a world of trouble with those two.

LENNOX_: I… I know, boy do I know, I just…

RHYS_: [amused] Hungry, are we?

LENNOX_: I just wanted something where I didn’t have to care.

RHYS_: Dear boy, if I’ve learned anything in my time on this earth, it’s that the things you think you have to care the about least always end up being the ones that require the most management.

LENNOX_: Man, don’t I know it.

RHYS_: … do you?

LENNOX_: No, I’m in way over my head.

RHYS_: More than you’d imagine.

LENNOX_: [sighs] Do you have any advice?

RHYS_: Yes, go back in time and make a less stupid decision.

LENNOX_: I’m ordering the most expensive wine, you can’t stop me. [sighs, runs hands through hair] I wonder what Bea and Grace are up to.

RHYS_: I’m sure it’s stimulating.

 

[SFX: transition, the sound of bed sheets as they relax back]

 

BEA_: That was an experience.

GRACE_: You’re telling me. [SFX: phone buzzing]

BEA_: I thought you turned that off.

GRACE_: No, it’s your phone. It’s Ginger. [SFX: hands it over]

BEA_: [SFX: picks up] Hey, how’s it going? Hoping you have good news. … really!

 

[SFX: transition, back to Ginger’s]

 

GRACE_: [Bea] You sure it’ll work this time?

GINGER: I promise. And if you can’t trust the promise of a fae-

RHYS_: [Lennox] [non-committal noise]

GINGER: Then who can you trust? Anyway, I’ve worked out the kinks, I’ve recalibrated everything, and I’ve made it so that you’ll even all get a pleasant scent afterwards.

RHYS_: Wonderful. Now change us back.

GRACE_: Please and thank you.

LENNOX_: You two look rumpled.

BEA_: [Grace] We look fine.

GINGER: Abraca-… you know the drill. [SFX: BWAMP MAGIC TIME. There’s a pause as everyone feels things out]

GRACE: Bea?

BEA: Yes?

GRACE: Phew, very glad you’re back to yourself.

BEA: Same.

RHYS: [sniffs] Ooh, minty!

GINGER: Oh good, it’s mint this time! There was a chance it could’ve been ham scented.

RHYS: What?

GINGER: Anyway, Grace, shall we settle up?

GRACE: Let’s. Although I will be asking for a discount after the previous snafu.

GINGER: Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out. You’ll be glad to know that I take both gold coin AND credit cards now… [SFX: they walk away into the next room]

BEA: Rhys, you seem like yourself again.

RHYS: [SFX: stretching] Better than ever. I like being me again. Although it wasn’t too bad being you. You’re… uh…

BEA: Careful there.

RHYS: Flexible?

BEA: Good enough. Lennox, I’m… indifferent to you being back.

LENNOX: Same to you. Although I’m sure there are many people who will be glad to see us all back in our original bodies.

BEA: Cryptic. And Rhys is blushing, so clearly you found something out. Rhys, do you want to tell me?

RHYS: [quietly] Not right now.

LENNOX: I’m going to go… chip something in to keep Grace from having a fit. I’ll see you two soon. [SFX: walking out, stops, close to Rhys, quiet] I hope your choices are worth it.

RHYS: Keep walking pal.

LENNOX: Bea, invest in hand cream. Good day to you both. [SFX: walks out]

BEA: I cut all his nails too short, hope he enjoys that. You want to tell me now

RHYS: Can we talk when we’re back?

BEA: Am I going to like this?

RHYS: No.

BEA: Am I going to be mad?

RHYS: I hope not.

BEA: That’s good, that’s cool. Let’s see what happens. [SFX: buzzing of a phone] Is that yours?

RHYS: Nope.

BEA: Not mine either. Ah, Grace left hers behind. [SFX: picks it up]

RHYS: Telemarketer?

BEA: … no. Hollis.

RHYS: … oh.

BEA: That’s… hm.

RHYS: I thought they didn’t like each other.

BEA: No. They don’t.

RHYS: Have they been talking again?

BEA: I assume so.

RHYS: Right.

BEA: I’ll… I’ll talk to her.

RHYS: Ok.

BEA: So what were you going to tell me?

RHYS: Oh, uh… so… I’m not going to be surprised if you’re a little mad but…

BEA: If this also involves Hollis, I will laugh.

RHYS: …

BEA: Ok, maybe “laugh” isn’t the right word.

 

[end]

 

 

 

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Emily Kellogg as Grace
Alex Nursall as Bea
Ian Boddy as Rhys
Rob Deobald as Lennox
J Strautman as Hollis
and Danica Bansie as Ginger

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Alex Nursall and Emily
This episode was written and directed by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm