Woodbine

Summary

Grace has made a deal that she and Bea can’t back out of: A return to Emiel under Lennox’s endlessly watching eye. Everything is getting too close, everything is starting to strain, and Grace is now returning to the world she thought she had escaped from. Bea is experiencing some real flighty coworkers. And Rhys? Well, he’s out there listening to the siren call of the night, the sound of smooth jazz leading him onward onto the rain-slick streets, and taking the chance to make his own fun while left to his own devices…

Content Warnings: death, violence

Transcript

[SFX: Rhys working in the office, in the other room, a thump and Bea letting out a frustrated noise, muffled talking from Grace]

 

RHYS_NARRATION: Change is… hard. I’ll admit, I’ve… taken to this new form much faster than Bea. She’s definitely grown into it, she’s less… awkward about it. But still, she’s learning. I mean, I’m learning. What is life but just the constant search for knowledge or whatever that quote is? Is that a quote? Maybe I thought it up myself! I’m not checking, I feel smart right now. Either way, good to learn, but learning means change and change is hard. [SFX: another thump and swearing] Something’s in the air. Something… bad. Bea and Grace are in there and it’s… not sexy. It’s just loud. And soon they’re heading out and I’m going to be here on my own for… a while. I like that part less. Change is hard. I’ve changed enough. I long for something to stay the same. But… nothing does.

BEA: Do it.

GRACE: [SFX: compel] What do you want? Is it to rest? Is it to lie down and give up?

BEA: [yawning] No, yes… no… [yawning more] shit…

GRACE: [SFX: compel] You can’t fight it.

BEA: [yawning] Why would I want to? [relaxing]

GRACE: No, Bea, come on. Up, up, up. [SFX: helping her up]

BEA: [coming to] Huh? Oh, goddamnit.

GRACE: I think you were getting there.

BEA: It’s hard, ok? It’s just really hard.

GRACE: I know. Are you sure you want to keep doing this?

BEA: Yes. I just… feel like things are going to get bad before they get better. If they ever do.

GRACE: … Alright. Let’s… try again.

BEA: Push me. Please.

GRACE: [SFX: compel] Sit down.

BEA: [resisting, it’s hard] Nope. No, not a fan.

GRACE: [SFX: compel] Bow.

BEA: Fun. But no. I think.

GRACE: [SFX: compel] Bow to me. 

BEA: [SFX: collapses forward but catches herself] Gah! My bones!

GRACE: Oh! That’s progress!

BEA: Did I look cool? I’m sure it looked kind of hot, minus the pain noises.

RHYS: [SFX: knocking at the door] You guys ok in there? [SFX: comes in] I think I preferred it when you guys were fooling around and pretending like I couldn’t hear.

GRACE: Right.

RHYS: Are you sure this is the best option?

BEA: No, not at all.

GRACE: I… made a choice.

BEA: Yep.

RHYS: I’ll miss you both while you’re out on your contract.

BEA: Same. Want to come with?

RHYS: Nope.

BEA: Damnit. You sure this will keep us safe?

GRACE: It’s… all we can do for now. [sigh] Come on, we’ve got… a long night tomorrow. I don’t want you to be a mess before we even get there.

 

[SFX: transition. Lennox’s office]

 

WILHELMINA: [phone] You hid this from us.

LENNOX: I was going to tell you in time-

WILHELMINA: [phone] When you were done playing around with your little toy? Lennox, I am beyond disappointed in you.

LENNOX: It doesn’t matter now! We have a solution-

WILHELMINA: [phone] That you were aware of and kept secret for… what reason, exactly?

LENNOX: Wil, you know as well as I do what this place could do to Grace when that knowledge becomes widely known.

WILHELMINA: [phone] You can’t protect her forever.

LENNOX: Oh believe me, I am well aware.

WILHELMINA: [phone] You think your deal will hold?

LENNOX: I think that enough people here are smart enough to know that doing something stupid and violent will only create more problems for them and their associates. I’m offering to fix things with the stipulation that no one makes any rash decisions.

WILHELMINA: [phone] And why is the other one here? The girlfriend?

LENNOX: Better to keep them both under surveillance.

WILHELMINA: [phone] Uh huh. You sure you’re not trying to find something new to chew on?

LENNOX: I’m allowed some fun in my off time.

WILHELMINA: [phone] Your choice to hide this is going to bite you.

LENNOX: Don’t threaten me. I’ve got enough to deal with.

WILHELMINA: [phone] Then deal with it. I’ll be keeping my eye on you, Len.

LENNOX: Duly noted.

 

[SFX: transition. Voicemail]

 

HOLLIS: Michael, hello. Let me know the status of the experiments. I know there was an issue with one of them devouring another yesterday, but I would obviously like to avoid that in the future, so please keep the staff on hand. There is a board meeting scheduled without Lennox coming up to discuss their frustration in him keeping Grace’s status from them, so I need you to make sure any back up plans are ready to go in case he… retaliates. Also, if you check your latest pay stub, you’ll see that the raise has gone through. There’s a slight increase in the deduction for your healthcare benefits though, apologies for that. Thanks!

 

[SFX: transition. Office]

 

RHYS_NARR: I’m alone at the office. It’s… peaceful. Peaceful isn’t the right word. It’s weird. I’m manning things while Bea and Grace get things sorted with Lennox. He’s got them on a “temporary contract” at Emiel, with stipulations that, as long as Grace… does what’s expected, that she’ll be safe. Don’t cross Lennox and everyone gets what they want. Don’t know how temporary the whole thing will be though. He’s got greedy fingers is all I’m saying. But they’re there so someone has to keep track of things here during the night and I guess that falls to me for now. Is this a promotion? I should ask for a raise. Or at the very least a better snack selection, things have been limited as of late. Actually, that’s on me, I was supposed to order the snacks. Shit. [sigh] It’s… ok, it’s boring, that’s what it is. I need company. [SFX: phone rings] Ah, client. Work calls. It always calls. I should text Bea. I hope things are ok there and not… too weird. It’s not just Grace. It’s Lennox. AND Hollis. Man, the tension must be off the charts… although what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall.

 

[SFX: transition. Emiel office waiting room. Bea’s phone dings with a text]

 

GRACE: You should put that on silent.

BEA: I will. It’s just Rhys.

GRACE: He ok?

BEA: Yeah, he’s fine. Bored. He’s sending me memes.

GRACE: Can I see? [looks] I don’t get it.

BEA: It’s a little old, it’s… ok, you know what orbposting is?

GRACE: I do not.

BEA: It’s fine. Not important.

GRACE: You shouldn’t be here.

BEA: Neither should you. I also shouldn’t be in heels but here we are.

GRACE: Vampires are… sticklers about dress code. They love a power suit.

BEA: I was hoping for more capes, to be honest.

GRACE: Some still love a dramatic flourish.

BEA: I’m going to invest in one.

GRACE: Just… keep your head down. Don’t attract attention. [SFX: door opens, Lennox comes over] 

LENNOX: Ladies.

GRACE: Lennox.

LENNOX: Glad you’re on time.

GRACE: Just because I don’t want to be here, doesn’t mean I’m going to flaunt basic professionalism.

LENNOX: You both had your orientation?

BEA: The tiny guy in the hooded robe?

LENNOX: Marcus, yes.

BEA: Yeah, it involved a lot more… chanting than I expected.

LENNOX: Well, some people here still do very much enjoy tradition in a way that I’ve never completely understood.

GRACE: And I see we got two different key cards. You want to explain?

LENNOX: Yes! I know that you two would like to stick together, but for now… I will be separating you both.

BEA: What? Why?

LENNOX: Because there are different things you could both be doing and I don’t need you two stuck together like a tangled set of earbuds. Besides, Grace has skills I would like to utilize.

GRACE: Can we discuss this?

LENNOX: [he leans in] You’re my employee now, so you’ll do what you’re told.

BEA: And what am I doing?

LENNOX: [ignoring her] Grace, I’ll ask that you come with me to S2.

GRACE: Not on your life.

LENNOX: No choice. We’ll talk before you have to do anything.

BEA: What’s on S2?

LENNOX: Not for you to know yet. You’re still on probation.

BEA: What? And she’s not?

LENNOX: She’s a returning employee. She gets some… special privileges.

GRACE: Hah! Wow, ok, if that’s what you’re going to call it.

BEA: Uh, and where will I be?

LENNOX: You can head over to floor 12, suite 1209. Chris will see to you.

BEA: And what’s in there?

LENNOX: Oh, something simple. I don’t want you being overextended just yet.

BEA: This is stupid.

LENNOX: Off you go. First day of work! You want a photo by the door with your backpack?

BEA: Oh my god.

LENNOX: I’d like to speak to Grace in private, please.

BEA: Grace? You ok?

GRACE: I’ll be fine. You’ll be too. I’ll come see you in a bit.

BEA: Alright. [SFX: walks out] 

LENNOX: Shall we?

GRACE: You be kind to her.

LENNOX: Oh, I will. I can promise you that.

GRACE: Heard that before.

LENNOX: Shall we see your new office?

GRACE: Fine. Lead on.

 

[SFX: transition. Bea walks into a room]

 

BEA: Oh come on, I got sent to the mail room? Thanks a lot, Lennox. Hello? … Chris? [SFX: bird wings flapping by] Gah! Why is there a bird in here? [SFX: flapping, a piece of paper falls in front of her] Oh, uh… wait, you’re the staff? [SFX: caw] Uh. Do you understand me? [SFX: caw caw, another piece of paper] “Sort of.” Wait, who wrote these? And why are they so non-specific? [SFX: caw, paper] “Your predecessor made these. If you are reading this, I am dead.” That bodes well. You know Chris, I gotta say, this is going to make the training very difficult, but… I’ll try my best. For your sake. [SFX: caw]

 

[SFX: transition. Sterile hallway in a basement]

 

GRACE: Still terrible down here.

LENNOX: It’s very clean.

GRACE: Sterile.

LENNOX: Which is perfect. You know exactly what we’re up against.

GRACE: Not enough vampire twinks for you?

LENNOX: They’re not just twinks, they’re junior accountants.

GRACE: And you want me to…

LENNOX: I’m sure you’d like me to be delicate about this-

GRACE: Say it. You’ve been dancing around it the whole way down here.

LENNOX: Change people.

GRACE: I’m not a mouth for hire.

LENNOX: Oh, you’re not changing everyone. You’re also interviewing them.

GRACE: What, and if I don’t like them I send them on their way with a brochure and a pat on the back?

LENNOX: For some, yes. But not everyone.

GRACE: We’re not doing this again. [SFX: he stops them both]

LENNOX: You have embarrassed me. You’ve created turmoil. You’ve got the board on my ass like never before. Things are beginning to seethe, my friend. You need to start doing things to show that you are a functioning part of this society or else you will be eaten alive.

GRACE: Oh my god. It has been years! [SFX: they start walking again]

LENNOX: Not since you turned someone. At least these ones have already been through some of the vetting process. Hollis did the round one interview.

GRACE: Oh goody, I’m sure they’ll only send the best and brightest.

LENNOX: Think of it this way: if all else fails, lunch is on me.

 

[SFX: transition. Office, Aurelius pokes his head in the door]

 

AURELIUS: Hello? [SFX: walks in] Rhys, hi.

RHYS: Hey, how’s it going?

AURELIUS: It certainly goes.

RHYS: Heh, you’re telling me. If you’re looking for Grace, she’s not here.

AURELIUS: Rats. She’s been a tough one to get a hold of lately.

RHYS: Working two jobs will do that to you, believe me.

AURELIUS: Lennox is… certainly a taskmaster.

RHYS: Do you know what happened between those two? The vibes are very… unchill.

AURELIUS: I mean, he killed her best friend. I think that’s enough to drive a wedge between two people.

RHYS: Ah, wasn’t sure if there was like… some other, more devious reason that the rift was caused.

AURELIUS: Can something be more devious than that?

RHYS: Occult sacrifice?

AURELIUS: I’ve heard rumours of that happening on the west end, yes.

RHYS: [sighs] [SFX: tosses some paper aside] Well, I’m just neck deep in boring case after boring case. Trying to keep this place running mostly by myself sucks. And I gotta get out there and do some work as well. At least I think Bea moves to a hybrid thing eventually. Unless, you know, Lennox gets his bat claws in her as well.

AURELIUS: [thinking] Would you want some help? Or at least some company?

RHYS: What, like, out in the field?

AURELIUS: Yeah! I’ve been out before.

RHYS: Once, Grace told me.

AURELIUS: Well, I’ve poked around a bit more and I quite enjoy Midsomer Murders so I can, at the very least, be a handsome set of eyes alongside you.

RHYS: Hm. Don’t know how Grace would feel about that.

AURELIUS: She’s not here.

RHYS: Good point…

RHYS_NARRATION: It’s been boring. It’s been lonely as well. And I could use some backup. Or… at least some company. And hey, what’s a detective without a companion? Sherlock and Watson. Sam and Max. Humphrey and Bogart. Something like that.

RHYS: Yeah. Yeah! Grab your fuckin’ coat!

AURELIUS: I never took it off.

RHYS: Then grab me my coat. [SFX: hands him a coat] Thank you. Let’s get out there. The night beckons. [SFX: coat flourish! Huzzah!]

 

[SFX: transition. Mail room]

 

BEA_NARRATION: Section 47 of the manual that was written up by my predecessor, now deceased: If there is one thing a vampire likes, it is ritual. Consistency. It takes decades sometimes to get them to change something about their routines and habits. I, myself, worked here for 79 years before I got them to stop signing letters with a bloody fingerprint – that’s gross – They get attached to things. Be very careful when separating them from something they desire. For example, if you take Gideon’s stapler, return it posthaste, lest you find him floating outside your window on a windswept night. [SFX: closes book] I mean, it’s an interesting read, although it’s not teaching me a lot about how the mailroom system works here, which is proving to be an issue.

 

[SFX: transition. They walk into a sterile room and close the door]

 

LENNOX: [pointing through 2-way glass] See that man in there?

GRACE: Yes. Fantastic blazer. I’m glad you’re aiming for style points on this.

LENNOX: Hollis did the intake but I want you to run a check on him and then turn him if nothing feels… hinky.

GRACE: Is this all you’re going to get me to do?

LENNOX: Oh, no. You’re better than that. This is grunt work. And you, you’re sharp. In more ways than one. And I have some people I want dealt with.

GRACE: I don’t want to.

LENNOX: Ok, walk out that door. But know that people here have your scent again. You won’t make it far once they find out you’re running.

GRACE_NARRATION: A cage and an open window. Freedom I am allowed to see and hear and touch and smell but never truly know.

GRACE: Fine. Fine! I just want you to know that I hate this and I hate you.

LENNOX: Glad to have you back. [SFX: she goes into the other room and closes the door]

GRACE: Hello, my name is Grace. I’ll be turning you today. [SFX: magic] Do you want this?

VAMPIRE INTERVIEWEE: Yes. I do.

GRACE: Well, that’s a great place to start.

 

[SFX: transition, mail room. A bird flies by, Lennox walks in]

 

LENNOX: So, how are things?

BEA: Can I get a promotion? Or fired?

LENNOX: Feedback I’m getting is that you’re very good at this.

BEA: A literal bird could do it. Oh wait, literal birds are doing it.

LENNOX: This is true, but they also can’t hold a quill, so it’s nice for them to have someone around with opposable thumbs.

BEA: Have you considered email?

LENNOX: I have it, there’s just… decorum to consider. People expect things.

BEA: Are there even that many vampires left for it to matter?

LENNOX: There will be more, eventually. You have to keep the old ways going. Or, at the very least, the trappings of them.

BEA: Ok, speaking of that, who are the people in the robes I see wandering around?

LENNOX: Ah, that’s the board. They do love a heavy brocade.

BEA: Yeah, what’s their deal?

LENNOX: I need someone to hold me accountable.

BEA: Oh, so they’re just a board-board.

LENNOX: Yes, it’s nothing special.

BEA: Other than the robes.

LENNOX: And the goblets.

BEA: Yeah, that was weird in the cafeteria. Anyways, have you seen Grace?

LENNOX: Is she not with you? She went off with Hollis not long ago.

BEA: Oh, ok.

LENNOX: Did you not know?

BEA: I assume it’s for work.

LENNOX: It probably is. I wouldn’t fret.

BEA: Sure. [SFX: caw] You have a letter.

LENNOX: Ah, meeting request from the werewolf representative.

BEA: Is there a monster UN?

LENNOX: Sort of. Born of communities and long lost gangs. Now… business owners. Leaders. Maybe some mob.

BEA: Right.

 

[SFX: transition. Grace’s living room]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: Bea got home before me, I had to stay late and coordinate a few things with my new boss. Same as the old boss… By the time I got home, Bea was showering. Guess she had been for awhile, the amount of steam was surprising.

BEA: [SFX: walking into the room] Hey. How was your day?

GRACE: Terrible. Yours?

BEA: Well, I was attacked by a bird for incorrectly filing something, so… that’s an experience I’ve had now. What does Lennox have you doing?

GRACE: I’m… not allowed to talk about it.

GRACE_NARRATION: I don’t want to share this with her. God, when can I stop hiding. Grace, just tell her, tell her, please stop, you’re going to ruin this, you’re going to wreck everything-

BEA: Lennox’s rules?

GRACE_NARRATION: Tell her! Now!

GRACE: I’m… helping turn more vampires for Lennox. It’s…

BEA: Maybe it’s because of how I was turned but that feels… very intimate.

GRACE: It is. But who knows, maybe one of them will carry my “blessing” and I can walk away.

BEA: Can they… test for that?

GRACE: They will, once things calm down a bit. [sigh] Come here.

BEA: [she cuddles up to her] This isn’t forever.

GRACE: I know. You know I love you, right?

BEA: In a normal way or a weird obsessive vampire way?

GRACE: Why not both?

BEA: I love you too. Do you want dinner?

GRACE: No, I… ate at the office.

 

[SFX: transition. Office. Noir time!]

 

RHYS_NARRATION: The dame who walked in was leggy. Mostly legs, really. I’m not kidding. She was part-spider, I think. Very scary. I don’t want to see that many legs.

RHYS: And you’re missing the…

PENELOPE: The golden butterfly, yes.

AURELIUS: Is it… real gold?

PENELOPE: Heavens no! Merely an overlay.

AURELIUS: Ah.

PENELOPE: Inside though… There’s an emerald called The Eye of the Forest.

AURELIUS: You hide the emerald under gold?

RHYS: How much is this worth?

PENELOPE: Can you put a price on beauty?

AURELIUS: Yes.

PENELOPE: At least $70,000.

RHYS: That’s a big rock.

AURELIUS: Who would’ve taken such a thing?

RHYS: Hey, that’s my job. [serious] Who would’ve taken such a thing?

PENELOPE: My… husband’s ex-business associate. Larry Goranov.

AURELIUS: [gasp] No!

RHYS: Should I know who that is?

PENELOPE: My dear boy…

AURELIUS: To be fair, I don’t either, but he sounds like a dramatic man.

PENELOPE: And he is. And he is… a business owner. If you know what I mean.

RHYS: Oh. Oh!

PENELOPE: Although, it might be my husband. Or… whatever he is to me these days. He was always a… vengeful man. [SFX: moving in close] Oh, my dear sweet boy, I would be so, so grateful if you could help me. I can pay! Whatever you are looking for.

AURELIUS: Oh YES, things are getting GOOD.

PENELOPE: Please, I just need you to retrieve this… special item for me. I have an address if you need a place to start. If only I can get back my… precious jewel. I… hunger for it.

 

[SFX: transition. Sterile room]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: The job is this: there are people, willing participants, who want to become vampires. And I can do that. If their intentions feel… pure enough, I allow it. Those who make it this far and fail, well… [SFX: the sound of a guy getting his throat ripped out bloodily] I’ve been telling Bea only about the easy parts. I don’t tell her that Lennox has sent people he wants revenge on down here. I don’t tell her that people who wronged me decades ago have been lured into this cold, sterile room to be slit open. I don’t tell her that the ability to cut someone down came back so easily, it was like I never stopped doing it. That it feels wrong, but it’s not hard. I disassociate. I become a version of myself from long ago. I am down here all night in a white room with harsh lighting, the blood on the floors and walls washed away by a team whose names I do not know. And another person is sent in. And all the while, Lennox watches. From the window in the wall, from the cameras in the corners. In my dreams when I go home. He’s there. I’ve come back. It’s like I never left. And that’s the worst part of it all.

 

[SFX: transition, mail room. A bird flies by]

 

BEA: Hey! Gimme that. [SFX: takes a pen back from a crow that flies away]

GRACE: [SFX: walks in] So… these are your coworkers?

BEA: CROW-WORKERS, man, how have I not thought of that before?

GRACE: Feeling that good, huh?

BEA: Yes, I followed your advice and started bringing them sparkly things. I mean, I get it, I’m a sucker for anything with a little shimmer, so I can’t fault them for it. Anyway, we’re buds now. [SFX: caw] Chris here even brought me a roll of nickels. Not sure where he got them but hey, I’m not turning it down. [SFX: caw] I’m afraid if I did that I’d lose an eye.

GRACE: Chris?

BEA: Yeah, like, that’s his name but I’ve been giving the others names. Like, maybe they have actual names but I don’t know, no one’s told me and they aren’t talking. [SFX: caw] So this is Edgar, and Allen, and Chris.

GRACE: You know that poem’s-

BEA: Yes, I am aware that it’s a raven, wrong corvid, but it’s been a long couple weeks, ok?

GRACE: I’m glad you’re finding peace where you can.

BEA: Thank you. [SFX: caw, the sound of a watch hitting the table] Ah! And thank you, Edgar.

GRACE: A watch?

BEA: Yes, Tobias in accounting is a huge prick so I got the birds to steal his watch for me.

GRACE: Do I ask how-

BEA: Please do not ask how. It is between me and the birds.

GRACE: Ok. Look, I’m going to send you to go take a few days, work with Rhys and get out of here, ok?

BEA: Can you do that?

GRACE: I spoke to Lennox. People know I can turn others but they don’t know about you, so you should be able to move about safely. And I don’t want you in here every day. It’s… going to make you weird.

BEA: Ok. I don’t feel good about leaving you here alone.

GRACE: Bea, unfortunately there is little you can do.

BEA: … ok. [SFX: text ding] Ah, speaking of Rhys, he’s off handling cases like a champ. [SFX: ding] Or, well, like himself. Which is… special, in its own way. Sorry, um… one more question, are… you still talking to Hollis?

GRACE_NARRATION: I don’t want to talk about this either.

GRACE: Not here. Not very much.

BEA: Ok. And you’re still not ready to talk?

GRACE: Bea-

BEA: It’s ok, just… tell me when you are. It’s… worrying.

GRACE: I will. I promise. [SFX: caw] Oh, you shut up.

 

[SFX: transition. Lennox’s office]

 

LENNOX: [on the phone] She’s down there right now. … It’s working, isn’t it? … Oh, Wilhelmina can just-… I understand, but my main concern was people being too rash around the whole situation-… It’ll take time, but we’ll get there. … No. … No! … Fine. … But your lack of faith offends me, I’ll say that. … I apologize. Things have just been… difficult, as of late. … I’ll make sure the project continues. Thank you. [SFX: hangs up] 

 

[SFX: transition. NOIR TIME! Walking down a street at night]

 

RHYS_NARRATION: Part of this job is knocking on doors. Walking up and hoping they open, as the rain pours down the back of your neck. It’s not raining now, though I wish it was. It would add some… drama. But I am wearing a good hat. It might be Bea’s and I might not have asked, but she left it on her desk, therefore it’s open season. Aurelius has a good trenchcoat though. I’m jealous. But either way, sometimes, you knock on a door you hope won’t be opened. You don’t know what lies on the other side of this twisted web.

RHYS: [SFX: knocking] Is this guy also a spider person?

AURELIUS: I hope not. I have arachnophobia.

RHYS: What? [SFX: the door opens] Hello sir. My name is Rhys Oakwood and this is my associate, Aurelius… uh…

AURELIUS: Just Aurelius. Like Cher.

RHYS: Yeah. And we have some questions for you.

MAN: Uh, sure? What about?

RHYS: Do you know what this is? [SFX: holds a big photo of the object up]

MAN: Oh, yeah, that statue my ex-wife had, right.

RHYS: She’s your ex-wife?

MAN: Yeah, did she say we were still married?

AURELIUS: Should’ve asked that.

RHYS: Yeah, should’ve had her clarify. Anyway, do you know of the whereabouts of this object?

MAN: Oh, yeah, hold on, hang on… [SFX: he walks off]

RHYS: Uh…

AURELIUS: This is a trap. Some kind of devious plan to lure us in and kill us both. Or at least you. I can become… the lone wolf.

RHYS: How’s your therapy going?

AURELIUS: First appointment is next week. But either way, this… this is a master criminal. I can feel it in my waters.

RHYS: Ewwww.

AURELIUS: I can feel it in my gut. Beware. He’s going to give us the runaround- [SFX: the man returns]

MAN: Ok, here you go. [SFX: hands it to them] And um, I’m sorry, why did she want it?

RHYS: She… said it was expensive.

MAN: Oh, it is. But you are aware that she’s a spider person, right? Like, she will eat you when you return it.

RHYS: Huh.

AURELIUS: Well that’s not very nice.

MAN: Yeah, there’s a reason we’re broken up.

AURELIUS: Do you have a recommendation for a good divorce lawyer?

MAN: I mean, it depends on what you’re looking to achieve. Is your ex also a spider person? Because that’s what mine specialized in.

RHYS_NARRATION: Alright, so some doors open easily and then the thing inside is actually pretty straightforward. But that’s not how it usually works! Life is hard. Life is strange. It can mess with you in ways you never expected. [drops the affect a little] Ok. I got word that Bea is going to come back for a few days a week to help out. That’s good. I miss having her around. But I can’t shake the feeling that something bigger is wrong. Maybe it’s whatever my waters is, yuck, but there’s something amiss inside me. Bea is coming back, but that only satisfies me a little. I want everyone back. I don’t want this. Whatever it may be.

 

[SFX: transition. Mail room]

 

BEA_NARRATION: There’s marginalia all through Chapter 25 of the manual. Little notes. Rules are important. You make a deal, you stick with it. Vampires, they are set in their ways, and they love a defined hierarchy. Anarchist vampires are for movies. Once you’ve been around long enough, all you want is for someone else to deal with everything for you. You either want to be in control or the one who can lounge about, a dilettante to the very end. The vampire world is not without problems, but anyone willing to solve them will be lauded. If you don’t, you return to your chaise longue to wait until the time comes again. There’s also a little drawing of that weird S thing. You can’t escape it.

LENNOX: How are things?

BEA: GET HIM, CHRIS! [pause] I had hoped that would work.

LENNOX: You don’t peck the hand that feeds you.

BEA: Y’know, that is not true and I know this because my hand hurts.

LENNOX: I wanted to check in on you.

BEA: I’m fine.

LENNOX: Need anything?

BEA: A vacation day would be nice.

LENNOX: Not until you’ve completed your probationary period. Then we can discuss it.

BEA: Are you being nice to me?

LENNOX: I’m allowed to be pleasant. I’m not a literal ghoul.

BEA: What do you know about ghouls?

LENNOX: More than you need to know right now. [SFX: caw] You’re needed to lick some stamps.

BEA: Could you hire some other people who have tongues, please?

LENNOX: They have tongues-

BEA: You know what I mean.

LENNOX: My door is always open if you need something, Bea.

BEA: [SFX: caw] Yeah, one of those little sponges for sealing envelopes. [SFX: caw caw] That a beak can hold. Please.

LENNOX: I’ll make a request with the office manager.

 

[SFX: transition. Necropolis]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: I have not had much of a chance to speak to Hollis while at the office. We both know that anything outside of the most basic conversation will set off Lennox’s alarm bells. He’s… well aware of our past. So I’ve returned to the necropolis to talk. I hope things are moving forward. I feel more in the dark than ever, in so many ways.

HOLLIS: Grace, thanks for coming.

GRACE: Yeah, let’s make this quick, today was long and… god, do I have any blood on my shirt?

HOLLIS: Yes.

GRACE: Damnit.

HOLLIS: Bill your dry cleaning to Lennox.

GRACE: Who even gets dry clean only shirts anymore. Also, what is that?

HOLLIS: Huh? Oh, a relic.

GRACE_NARRATION: There is a staff leaned up against the wall just behind Hollis’s desk that looks like something out of a florid fantasy novel. Heavy black metal wraps up and around the body of it like vines, thorny, threatening to cut anyone who dares wield it. There appears to be some sort of smooth black stone that also winds its way up through the whole thing, not so much carved as it’s moulded. At the top, it all embraces a sparkling, horribly sharp looking stone, the colour of freshly dried blood. It glows with an alluring malice. Somewhere inside of me is a desire to reach out and touch it, but I know better than that. This is an object that feeds. And it is also objectively hideous.

GRACE: It’s gaudy.

HOLLIS: It was made in the 1400s, it’s not like they had mid-century minimalist design concepts to adhere to.

GRACE: Where did you get that?

HOLLIS: Storage locker.

GRACE: Not Lennox’s.

HOLLIS: Does it matter?

GRACE: Yes.

HOLLIS: I found it buried deep in the vaults at work.

GRACE: How many levels down?

HOLLIS: Far enough to know it’s something important.

GRACE: Has he noticed that it’s gone?

HOLLIS: If you have enough people on the inside who also want him out, then you find ways to hide anything.

GRACE: Hm. So why do you have it?

HOLLIS: Because I don’t want him keeping around some sort of powerful item that he could use against us. I’m figuring it out for now. It’s useful. And if he starts to come at us, I can… use it.

GRACE: You’re harnessing magic?

HOLLIS: Oh, like that’s going to blow your mind.

GRACE: You think you can stop him with that? Going to bonk him on the head with it?

HOLLIS: It’s a staff of control. Look, Michael has been making sure that there will be others who can help us out if Lennox comes in ready to throw down.

GRACE: Who?

HOLLIS: Just trust me.

GRACE: No!

HOLLIS: Fine. Ghouls.

GRACE: GHOULS? Hollis, are you NUTS?

HOLLIS: What does my mug say?

GRACE: … Rooster Coffee.

HOLLIS: Damnit, I thought it was the one that said “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!”

GRACE: I got you that one, didn’t I?

HOLLIS: Yeah, I mean, ages ago.

GRACE: Why are you getting ghouls? Where are you getting them from?

HOLLIS: I’ll explain later. But it’s going to be fine. And I have the staff. It’s a focal point, a control rod, in a sense. And if Lennox had it… well…

GRACE: Can’t say I trust it in your hands.

HOLLIS: That’s understandable. But at least I’d use it for protection. He’d use it to lord over us like some sort of…

GRACE: Feudal lord?

HOLLIS: I could’ve thought of something better. Anyway, Wilhelmina has set up a meeting without Lennox’s involvement. A vote will be held.

GRACE: Yes, I’ve heard about how mad everyone is that he hid my little secret. I’m getting a lot of looks in the hallway. It’s awful.

HOLLIS: Honestly, I’m glad he did because it makes it easier for us.

GRACE: Now I’m worried that once he’s gone-

HOLLIS: Look, I’ll work something out with those old vamps.

GRACE: Are you really looking out for me?

HOLLIS: Don’t make this weird.

GRACE: Sorry.

 

[SFX: transition. Mail room]

 

BEA_NARRATION: Appendix C of the manual, although I hesitate to call it a manual at this point, it feels more like… a mixture of a rule book, diary, and secret keeper. It reads: The world is growing dimmer. Powers weaken, albeit not enough to fully stop those who want to use them. A powerful vampire can rule for as long as there are those to rule over. Be careful who you cross. If you are reading this, know that I have been killed for the things I said- [SFX: turns page] Oh, the next page has been torn out. Roughly, I might add. [sigh] I’m not here tomorrow. I’m back at Woodbine. But Grace has been spending more and more time here. Or… well, she’s not at home. I know she’s seeing Hollis. I know they have an office or something at the necropolis, Grace mentioned it once. And that’s when I started noticing the times when she’d come home with mud on her shoes. There’s a certain kind you can find there, clay-like. I’ve been seeing it on the edges of the soles more and more. But she still won’t talk to me. And I’m stressed, I really am. I know Lennox showed me things to fill my mind with doubt, but right now… how could I not be? I just want her to talk to me. I don’t want him to be right. I just want her. I just want to be beside her, at home. Away from all this. [SFX: caw] Well put, Chris. Well put.

 

[SFX: transition. Sterile room]

 

GRACE: Why are you here?

MAN: I don’t know! I just… I wanted to be a vampire, ok?

GRACE: You don’t seem like you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.

MAN: Look, I’ll just go, ok? I…

GRACE: You owe money?

MAN: … How do you know?

GRACE: I can smell the regret and fear on you.

MAN: Look, tell them, tell them I’ll pay it back, I just need some time-

GRACE: If you’re here then time is up-

MAN: No, no!

GRACE: I don’t want to drag this out. I’m tired. And I want to go home.

MAN: Please, no! NoooOOOOOOO-[SFX: wet blood noises yuck]

GRACE: [SFX: pulling away] Get him out of here. Can I take a break?

LENNOX: [SFX: over a speaker] You may.

GRACE: I’ll be back in an hour. I’m going for a walk to clear my head.

 

[SFX: transition. Woodbine agency, Bea enters]

 

RHYS: Bea! Welcome back!

BEA: Hey. Never thought I’d miss this desk so much-… who’s been wearing my hat?

RHYS: Aurelius I think, it’s fine. Want me to get you up to speed with things?

BEA: Yeah, that would be good. I think… Rhys, I need to ask you something.

RHYS: You ok?

BEA: No. And this is about Hollis.

RHYS: What’s up?

BEA: Something’s going on. With Grace and Hollis.

RHYS: Uh…

BEA: I don’t think it’s sex! I think. I hope? Whatever. I think it’s… I don’t know. What are Hollis’s powers?

RHYS: Um… well, they, uh… they can teleport.

BEA: … Ooh, that’s upsetting. But it makes sense. That explains a lot. Is there anything else you’ve noticed?

RHYS: Yeah, they’ve got really long fingers-

BEA: Nope, nope. I just want to know what’s going on.

RHYS_NARRATION: Just tell her. It can’t hurt. Or… maybe it can. What if Lennox pokes around in there and sees something. What if he sees me telling her? Oh, no, I don’t want him reappearing in my head again.

RHYS: I’m sure it’s nothing. Or it’s just something… generally weird but not like… relationship ruining? Vampires are weird!

BEA: I am aware. I’m just tired of being left in the dark. I just need to find out what’s going on.

 

[SFX: transition. Voicemail]

 

MICHAEL: [SFX: there are horrible ghoul noises in the background] Hi Hollis, it’s Michael. Looks like we’ve gotten everything under control. I’ve filed a notice with the building that the organs that were found in the dumpster were pig, not human. Also, I have sent flowers to the family of that intern. [SFX: a crash] Oh, hang on. I should deal with this. [SFX: a weird humming noise, it’s the staff] Uh, yeah. Ok, and so you’re aware, the staff has been working quite well, you just have to focus with intention and… not fear, or something like that. Ok, give me a call when you can. Thanks! Bye!

 

[SFX: transition, bouncing between spaces and days]

 

RHYS_NARRATION: The weeks pass by.

RHYS: Heading out?

BEA: Yep.

RHYS: Carpooling with Grace?

BEA: No, she’s already there.

RHYS: Ah.

RHYS_NARRATION: Change, big and small.

BEA: Just us today.

RHYS: Yep. You ok?

BEA: Yep.

RHYS_NARRATION: And unwanted change brings tension.

RHYS: Any news?

BEA: She won’t tell me.

RHYS: You ok?

BEA: I don’t know.

RHYS_NARRATION: You have to acknowledge it. You can’t run.

RHYS: How was it last night?

BEA: One of the crows brought me a ring.

RHYS: Is that against HR policy?

BEA: Probably.

RHYS_NARRATION: It doesn’t stop anything. It just makes it harder to face.

GRACE: Bea?

BEA: Hey. What’s up?

GRACE: Can we talk? Rhys, you heading out?

RHYS: Oh, uh… yeah. Yeah, I’m… going. See you tomorrow?

BEA: Yeah.

RHYS: Alright. Have a good night you two. [SFX: Rhys leaves]

GRACE: Thanks. [SFX: the door closes]

BEA: Been a while since you’ve been in your own office.

GRACE: You two have been running things well.

BEA: Yeah, I have two jobs. It is not how I thought I’d be spending my afterlife.

GRACE: Bea, I’m sorry, I think… I’ll find a way out. I just need more time.

BEA: It’s always more time! What is going on? What are you doing?

GRACE: I don’t want to talk about that.

BEA: You never want to talk about it! Are you down there chugging the blood of the innocent? Are you and Hollis down there doing unspeakable evil? Fuck, Grace, please, I can’t keep being shut out like this.

GRACE: I’m not ready.

BEA: Then when will you be?

GRACE: I don’t know! You just… have to wait.

BEA: … fine. [SFX: phone buzzing] Here, it’s probably Lennox-…

GRACE: I’ll take that. [SFX: takes the phone but doesn’t answer]

BEA: What is going on with you and Hollis?

GRACE: Not what you think is happening.

BEA: And I believe that but I also don’t because you don’t talk to me!

GRACE: This is entirely about work. Nothing more.

BEA: Ok, and while I don’t think you’re down there railing them, I still don’t… trust what’s going on.

GRACE: Well… then you have to! You have to. Please. For me, for us.

BEA: What has Lennox done to you?

GRACE: Everything! Everything! Nothing! I need him out, I need him out of everything! Just… I need him gone. And we’re figuring it out and I don’t want you getting involved!

BEA: I’m sorry, you’re… you’re talking to fucking Hollis about this and not me!

GRACE: You think we’re getting along over there? We are just BARELY soldiering through-

BEA: You didn’t tell me.

GRACE: I-…

BEA: You should’ve told me.

GRACE: [quietly] Maybe I should have. But I couldn’t. Lennox… he’s in your mind, Bea. You’re-

BEA: Grace…

GRACE: You’re a liability, Bea. I’m… so sorry.

BEA: Please. I just want to know what’s going on. [pulls her in close] You can’t abandon me here for Hollis. Not again.

GRACE: … I’m not. That’s not what I’m doing. But I can’t stay here. Not tonight. I have to go.

BEA: Grace, no, please, don’t-

GRACE: Let me by.

BEA: I-… I need you to tell me what’s going on. I can’t spend another night knowing you’re out there and leaving me to stew in it.

GRACE: I know they’re a lot-

BEA: They’re not trustworthy!

GRACE: I don’t need to trust them further than I can throw them

BEA: I’m worried! About you, about us-

GRACE: And you’re listening to the things that Lennox implants in your head!

BEA: Does anyone really choose to talk to Lennox?

GRACE: You let him in! You opened the door! And you’re letting his rot into your brain and yet you cannot trust me in a situation in which I am working with someone to bring him down!

BEA: That person is HOLLIS! Oh, and they’re also fucking Rhys?

GRACE: He’s a grown man-

BEA: You’re hiding things! You’ve been unable to talk to me for the last few weeks and it feels like I have to just dig and dig to find out anything that’s happening with you. And you want me to trust you? How?

GRACE: Bea, I promise you, I’m doing this so we can be free!

BEA: If you want this relationship to work then you have to be able – willing! – to talk to me.

GRACE: I want this to work, I do-

BEA: Then why can’t I help?

GRACE: Because you’re not ready! Because you’re a baby vampire with awkward powers and until you can get your mind and your heart and your abilities under control then I can’t have you in on something so dangerous and delicate!

BEA: … you think that little of me?

GRACE: No, Bea, I care about you, and I don’t want you to get hurt.

BEA: Might as well call me your little baby bird, you’re out here trying to stop Lennox but you’re sounding more like him every day.

GRACE: [taken aback, then furious] Don’t you dare say anything like that to me-

BEA: Just enough! Let me come with you tonight, please. I don’t… I don’t want you alone with Hollis, I don’t trust them. Not even that I think they… want you or something, I don’t trust that they won’t hurt you. I don’t want to be a liability, but I need to be a part of this.

GRACE: No.

BEA: Please.

GRACE: No!

BEA: I’m just coming with, ok? You can’t stop me.

GRACE: Yes. Yes I can.

BEA: Grace, no-

GRACE: [SFX: magic time! BIG COMPEL UH OH] Stay here. Do not follow.

BEA: [strangled, uncomfortable] No! Stop it!

GRACE: [SFX: magic] You will sit on the couch and wait until I leave. For 10 minutes, you must wait there. You will not follow. Bea, I’m sorry. But you can’t come.

BEA: Grace… why-

GRACE: I’ll be back, I promise. I’m sorry. [SFX: she runs out, the door slams behind her]

RHYS_NARRATION: Change is hard. You don’t know who or what to trust in those moments.

BEA: [SFX: struggling, gets up, falls] FUCK. FUCK!

RHYS_NARRATION: Who do you go to when things feel like they’re falling apart?

RHYS_VOICEMAIL: Yo, this is Rhys! You know what to do!

BEA: GodDAMNIT RHYS. Ok, ok… god, what if he’s with Hollis, what have they been telling him? I don’t know what they’ve been telling him, I don’t know if I can trust…

RHYS_NARRATION: You can run, you can always run.

BEA: [SFX: phone ringing] Grace, please. Please pick up.

RHYS_NARRATION: Running, ah, you’ll tire eventually, though.

GRACE: Let’s just get this over with.

HOLLIS: Yep. It’ll be over soon.

GRACE: I just-

HOLLIS: Don’t.

RHYS_NARRATION: So you find whoever will hold you in those moments. You search for anywhere where you can find some sort of stability. [SFX: door knocking]

AURELIUS: Rhys?

RHYS: Hey, can I talk to you about Grace?

RHYS_NARRATION: You just hope it’ll be the right one.

BEA: Alright. Stupid. Stupid idea. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

 

[SFX: transition. Dreamscape]

 

LENNOX: Hm. This dream is new.

BEA: It’s a bad one.

LENNOX: Are you alone?

BEA: What’s it to you?

LENNOX: I’m sorry, Bea. Grace can be difficult.

BEA: Whatever.

LENNOX: Do you want to talk about it?

BEA: … What do you know about Hollis?

LENNOX: How badly do you want to know?

BEA: I don’t know anymore.

LENNOX: You know where to find me. If you want answers… My door is always open.

 

[end]

 

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Emily Kellogg as Grace
Alex Nursall as Bea
Ian Boddy as Rhys
Rob Deobald as Lennox
J Strautman as Hollis
Taylor Davis as Aurelius
Kat Letwin as Wilhelmina
Bridget Cann as The Spider Woman
Chris Berube as the Ex-Husband
Cody Crain as Grace’s Victim
and Shaun Oldfield as Michael

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Alex Nursall and Emily
This episode was written and directed by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm