Woodbine

Summary

This goes out to all the lovers, yearners, and endlessly longing people out there, because what’s more romantic than pining from afar? A lot of things, but that’s cold comfort when you are trapped and unable to feel the warmth of another…

Content Warnings: Drug use

Transcript

[SFX: SITCOM THEME! Thank you Phil!]

ANNOUNCER: Woodbine is recorded in front of a live studio audience. [A door opens on a sitcom-style house and the crowd cheers]

BEA: [SFX: walking into the living room, audience cheers] Grace, I’m home. I picked up lunch on my way here.

GRACE: [SFX: comes over, little smooch] Wonderful! What did you get?

BEA: I stopped by that new French restaurant and picked up some coq au vin, choucroute garnie à l’Alsacienne, pommes aligot, haricots verts amandine, and for dessert, a simple cherry clafoutis.

GRACE: Wow, really?

BEA: [SFX: lifts up bag] No, it’s just blood. [SFX: audience laughs] But we can go there one night if you like.

GRACE: That would be nice. But thank you anyway. Rhys has been hard at work getting the kitchen sink to properly drain.

BEA: Does he have plumbing experience? [SFX: a pipe breaks in the background, you hear water shooting everywhere]

RHYS: [from another room] It’s fine, I have everything under control! [SFX: audience laughs]

GRACE: Jury’s still out. [SFX: audience laughs] I just want things to work again.

BEA: I’m sure it will all be fine. It always pans out in the end, right? [SFX: pots and pans thunking and banging from the other room] [SFX: audience laughs]

GRACE: Those pans are doing something, I can tell you that.

RHYS: [SFX: walks out, audience hoots and hollers] See, here’s your problem, someone keeps pouring blood down the sink. You can’t do that! Gunks everything up. Looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in there when I opened things up.

GRACE: Well it wasn’t me. [pause] Bea…

BEA: The sink can have a little blood, as a treat! [SFX: audience laughs]

RHYS: You have to treat it like bacon fat: Only do that when you’re renting. Then it’s your landlord’s problem.

BEA: Did you get blood on your shirt?

RHYS: No, why?

BEA: Because you aren’t wearing one.

GRACE: He insisted on being shirtless. [SFX: audience cheers]

BEA: Do you blame him?

RHYS: I’ll wear a shirt when I have to hide the gun show, but until then, these bad boys deserve fresh air [flexes a little] [SFX: audience hollering again]

BEA: That’s our Rhys! [SFX: audience cheering] Grace, come here. [SFX: takes Grace in her arms] Even if your house floods with blood, it’ll all be ok. We can always get new floors.

GRACE: You promise?

RHYS: I hope so, I’m a little concerned about the kitchen. [SFX: the sink bursts in the background, spraying water everywhere. The audience laughs]

GRACE/BEA: Rhys! [SFX: audience laughs and applauds, camera pulls back]

 

[SFX: static building, like a TV trying to find a station, distorted talking, it builds and builds]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: Hollis told me to sit in this room and wait for them to come for me. I am waiting for Hollis to come for me. I am waiting for Hollis to come for me. I am waiting for Hollis to come for me. Hollis will come for me.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Grace? Earth to Grace. [compel] You may return. Come back to me, Grace.

[SFX: It stops. We are in a small, quiet room – the one Grace is being kept in at Emiel – and can only hear the sound of the light gently buzzing, maybe a little climate control hissing]

GRACE: [she takes a deep breath as the last of the compulsion wears off. Her voice is a little ragged, as though she’s been crying] Fuck off.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Hello again.

GRACE_NARRATION: I don’t know where I am. I feel like I am breaking through ice, my limbs heavy and numb. The compulsion that I have been submerged in is fading quickly, which means the anxiety is swelling. It’s… hard to breathe. It’s hard to think. I… I failed. I failed in every way that matters. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know where I am in the building. I don’t know how to get back to Bea.

[deep shaky breath] Focus. Focus!

No. I don’t know if I made the right decision. How could I have made the right decision, when I’ve made so many of the wrong ones, over and over again? I don’t know what I’m going to do! Grace, FOCUS. This is your world. There is always a centre to grasp on. [pause] The whir of the temperature control is familiar. The last thing that happened was… right. I know where I am now. I’m in one of the interior rooms at Emiel, a padded room with a small bed in the corner and the lens of a security camera staring, unmercifully, from the ceiling. It is barely more than a holding cell, sterile and quiet and dark. God, why is it so dark?

HOLLIS: [speaker] How are you feeling?

GRACE: I’d feel better if you turned on the fucking lights. [SFX: lights come on, she squints] Ugh.

GRACE_NARRATION: The pangs of rage at the sound of Hollis’s voice are so strong, a bolt of fury that clears any remaining cloudiness in my mind. As the overhead lights come on, I blink at the sudden flash of white that reveals… my prison. The starkness of the reality in front of me burns into my retina. There is a mechanical beep and a compartment in the door opens revealing a tray of food and drink. Unfeeling, at best.

HOLLIS: [speaker] A little present to help you settle in.

GRACE: Give me a phone. I want to talk to Bea.

HOLLIS: [speaker] No.

GRACE: Hollis!

HOLLIS: [speaker] Yes?

GRACE: Will you at least come and talk to me in person? I feel like a zoo animal.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Oh, you’re not here to be gawked at, Grace. You’re more like a naughty pet. You need to be kenneled until you know your place.

GRACE: This power play was a lot more fun when we had a safe word.

HOLLIS: [speaker] You always did look good in a collar.

GRACE: [exasperated] Yeah, well, if you want to see me on my knees, come visit me in person.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Be good for me and we’ll see. I know you can be. Now, why don’t you start by opening your present? Let’s try and get things off to a good start.

GRACE: [SFX: a pause as she considers her options, then a sigh as she picks up bottle]

GRACE_NARR: A plate of cheese and bread and a bottle of wine. I feel like a French royal in the Bastille. Expensive items, I’ll give them that. There’s one small bottle beside it all, a tiny container containing a light purple powder. There’s no label on it, only a cork stopper.

Oleander. Intoxicating. Sweet and floral on the tongue. A little bit and you can put yourself in a world of colour and endless relaxation, but just a little bit more and you can sleep, sleep so deeply, reside in blissful dreams. Too much and you risk losing yourself in its blossoms.

Hm. It’s a gift. And a placatory gesture. Hollis… would never add it to the wine without me knowing. They’re smarter than that. I mean they could, make me soft and pliant, and leave me unable to fight back, but… Despite themselves, despite everything, Hollis seems to be… trying. Maybe they want me on their side. Maybe they’re handing me a blade to put to my own neck. Oh, but why not both?

I am so angry that I hurt, every part of my body is taut with the desire to attack, but with no way to act on it. I hate Hollis, I hate Lennox, I hate everything that’s brought me to this moment… but right now, I hate myself so much more. Hollis may have fucked me over, but I let them, didn’t I? Because I was stupid. Because I was weak. A weakness I have let fester within me. I should’ve known. I should’ve been smarter than this. And so… and so the anger turns inwards, needles in my skin.

I just want to sleep. In sleep, I am free. In sleep, I can see Bea. Even if it’s not really her. Even if it’s just a way to numb myself.

I can escape.

This is not the first time I have been offered oleander – even vampires have club drugs – but this is the first time I will take it.

 

[SFX: the sound of the little cork popping and a sparkling noise as the powder is poured in. We shift to the office]  

 

GRACE_NARRATION: I think I started falling for Bea from the very first interview. It was like I was subconsciously pulled towards her, as though my body immediately knew what it took my mind years to learn – that Bea was meant to be the new colour woven into the tapestry of my world. What I did know immediately is that she interested me. And I have always been someone who is very aware of what interests me.

GRACE: And do you have any more questions?

BEA: No, I think we’ve covered everything.

GRACE: Alright. I have one more.

BEA: Sure.

GRACE: I’ve learned a lot about you today and you’ve learned a lot about this place, but I want to understand how you look at things, so: What can you tell me about me? I want to see if you have an eye for identifying people.

BEA: Oh, uh…

GRACE: It doesn’t have to be very deep, don’t worry. I don’t need you to tell me that my mother was a seamstress or my cousin was killed by a horse – although he was – but now I want to know how detailed your eye is. So… tell me something.

BEA: … I know that you’ve been trying to quit smoking.

GRACE: And what makes you say that?

BEA: Hm. There’s an ashtray in the lobby. It’s decorative, clearly, but no one has a decorative one anymore unless they have sentimental value. I guess the other option would be that you’re doing some… post-irony elder Millennial thing, but that doesn’t seem right, at least in this space. You’ve been holding your pen when not writing in a way that speaks to how you would hold a cigarette, but you don’t smell like smoke. The whole place smells like fresh air and… some sort of floral perfume, I guess? Also, you’re a private eye. It just feels like it should come with the territory. But that might be my own genre-specific bias.

GRACE: You’re good, I’ll give you that.

BEA: Thank you. I used to date someone who spent years trying to quit, so you start to see the tells.

GRACE: Do you learn everything about how to read people from those you date?

BEA: If that was how I worked, I’d be dumb as hell right now because I’ve been single for a bit. Not that that would matter here. But if it does, then I guess I don’t have to worry about going home to someone, so I can work weirder hours. … Sorry, that may be a little too much info.

GRACE: No, that’s good. I mean… It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

BEA: So was I right about everything?

GRACE: You were.

BEA: Well then, if nothing else, then I’m counting that as a win.

GRACE_NARRATION: I hired her the next day. And I never smoked again. [SFX: the magic of the oleander starts truly taking effect, bingly bingly] Ah, oleander, a symbol of caution, danger, beauty, grace. Grace, hah. [sigh] I wish I had a TV in here. I need something. Something else. Something mindless to make the night pass faster… anything…

 

[SFX: The room tone, and then music starts to build in the background, happy game show music starts to play, an audience cheers]

 

ANNOUNCER: It’s Date Your Coworker! And here’s your host, Lennox Marlowe!

LENNOX: Hello, hello! Welcome, we have an amazing show for you tonight. Before we get started, I’d like to thank our sponsor Bird Realty: If you want to make a nest, call A. Bird. Now, let’s meet our bachelorette for the evening. Please welcome Grace Hawthorne!

GRACE_NARRATION: Ah, Lennox is here, but that’s not him. He’d never do anything so déclassé. Oh God. I’m high, aren’t I? [giggles] Wait, is that something a high person would think?

GRACE: Hi Lennox!

LENNOX: Thank you for coming, you look lovely tonight.

GRACE: You’re right. I do.

LENNOX: And now, let’s meet our coworkers! Coworker number one:

HOLLIS: Hi Grace.

LENNOX: Coworker number two:

RHYS: Hello!

LENNOX: And coworker number three!

BEA: Hey Grace.

GRACE: Oh, Coworker number three, your… your voice cuts through me.

LENNOX: Ha ha, of course it does. But for now, it’s time to get to know them. Here are your questions, now ask away and figure out who you want to disregard company policy with!

GRACE: [giggles] Coworker number one: If you were a flower, what would you be?

HOLLIS: I’d be a lily. Bright, striking, terrible with cats. [SFX: audience laughs]

GRACE: And coworker number two?

RHYS: Hmmmm… I think I’d be a sunflower. I love the sun, I tower over everyone, and my seeds taste great. [SFX: audience “oooOOOoo” and laugh]

GRACE: Not touching that! Coworker number three, what time of day is your favourite and why?

BEA: Hm. I used to say “morning”, because I always enjoyed watching the sun rise, but now… Well, with my “condition” that’s not really a thing I can do anymore. But…

LENNOX: Speed it up, Bachelor Number Three.

BEA: It’s as the sun sets, as the sky turns indigo, and I wake up beside you. That smile, first thing in the evening? Brighter than any sun.

GRACE: [soft laugh] [SFX: audience awwwwwws],That’s… that’s real, though. [SFX: the dream transitions into a memory in bed, Grace rolls over] What are you smiling about?

BEA: Just you. It still feels weird to wake up with the setting sun, but… I wake up beside you. And that smile, first thing in the evening? Brighter than any sun.

GRACE_NARRATION: [cutting her off] No, no I can’t do this right now. I can’t think about being there. Off, I need my brain to turn off.

 

[SFX: the TV static builds, transitions to heavy house music]

 

RHYS:What happens when you put sexy singles in a house on the beach? You get drama, parties, maybe a little love, and a lot of [SFX: a wolf whistle] oh my god! Welcome to Love’s a Beach! Let’s meet our lovers.

HOLLIS: Hi, my name’s Hollis, I work in an office but I am way more fun than my job makes me seem, and I’m a real spitfire. If you want me, you have to know that I will take no shit from anyone. Am I looking for love? Who cares? I’m just here to party. No strings attached.

BEA: Hey, I’m Bea, if you call me Beatrice I will be so annoyed and I am definitely in the mood for love. My last relationship was a disaster so I’m here to have fun, party, maybe get a little something else in. I also love karaoke and trying new restaurants, so you could say I’m down for anything that gets my mouth moving.

LENNOX: Hello, my name is Lennox. I think my name makes me sound real serious and I have to admit, I’m a serious guy when I have to be, but outside of work I love to travel and go on adventures. I also love The Office.

GRACE: Hi! I’m Grace. I’ve been told I can come off a little sharp, but that’s just my teeth, darling. I used to dream about being a food critic but now I just enjoy fine dining. What can I say? I enjoy sumptuously eating out – in every sense of the term.

RHYS: This season has a little bit of everything: new friends…

BEA: So you’re a detective?

GRACE: I am.

BEA: What could you find out about me?

RHYS: Messy exes…

HOLLIS: You can’t just walk through here like you own the place!

GRACE: Oh, it’s always me me me with you!

RHYS: New faces…

GRACE: [SFX: bird wings] Crow’s here! I’ve got a scroll!

RHYS: Drama…

LENNOX: Would you like to come down to the beach with me?

BEA: I would literally rather eat sand.

RHYS: And – believe me, I’m just as surprised as you are – a whole lot of love…

GRACE: What do you think?

BEA: Oh, wow, this room is amazing.

GRACE: I may have gone all out.

BEA: I’ll say. Two hot tubs?

GRACE: It’s over the top, but-

BEA: I love it. You really know how to plan a weekend away…

GRACE: Yeah… [SFX: the ambience of the background gets softer, muffled] Yes, that was a good weekend.

 

[SFX: transition, they are in a beautiful hotel room, a memory and everything feels echoey and far away] 

 

BEA: It was. It’s been lovely.

GRACE: I got us a hotel room at a midnight spa resort. A treat.

BEA: For my birthday.

GRACE: I stopped celebrating mine years ago.

BEA: Yeah, I changed that.

GRACE: That was the first time someone got me a cake in… decades.

BEA: Hey, how old are you?

GRACE: Young enough that it still feels nice to get a card for surviving another year. I wanted to make this day special for you.

BEA: You did.

GRACE: It wasn’t too much? We had pretty recently gotten together.

BEA: No. I mean, maybe a little. But… I had such a good time.

GRACE: Massages are still a wonderful treat even if you’re an immortal.

BEA: Very true. I’m still here, you know.

GRACE: You are, this version of you. In this dream. Not the real you, though.

BEA: I could be anywhere, really.

GRACE: [touching her face gently] You’re right.

BEA: It was the first time I told you I loved you. Wrapped around you, getting older but never aging.

GRACE: A treasured memory. Protected, perfect, crystal clear in my mind, forever.

BEA: Where do you want to go?

GRACE: Here, I want to be here.

BEA: With me?

GRACE: Yes, yes, please. Blanketed in snow, the world quiet, the outside lit only by the moon.

BEA: I will always be here, don’t worry.

GRACE: I’m going to stay, just a little longer. When we were here. It was so good, so new, like fresh snow on the ground, untouched…

 

[SFX: the winter winds pick up, transition into TV static, then cuts to the room tone of the real world]

 

HOLLIS: [speaker] How are you feeling? You look like shit.

GRACE: I’m losing my mind. I smell like [sniffs] a dank basement. And I’m starving.

HOLLIS: [speaker] I’ve sent plenty of snacks.

GRACE: You have made your point.

HOLLIS: [speaker] And that point would be?

GRACE: You have power and I don’t so you’re torturing me just because you can. I get it. But if you’re not going to send blood because you want to see me suffer, you could at least send me some sparkling water. I could use the variety.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Ok, that’s fine. If you have any other requests, please let me know.

GRACE_NARRATION: An extended trip to Helsinki with Bea, a gallon of AB+, a boiling hot shower, Hollis’s head on a pike…

GRACE: As if you even have to ask what I want.

HOLLIS: [speaker] The intern will bring you some sparkling water. … Aren’t you going to say thank you?

GRACE: Thank you, Lennox. 

HOLLIS: [speaker] Calling me names isn’t going to help you at all. I’ll be sure to find a flavoured version as well. Y’know, for variety. [SFX: clicks off. The door opens after a moment]

GRACE_NARRATION: A cowering 20 year old human comes in holding a platter with several bottles of seltzer on it, clinking against each other due to her shaking hands. Since when did Emiel hire human interns? This is a test, I guess. Hollis knows that I’m hungry, but… [sigh] I let her leave. I’m not a monster, even if that’s what Hollis wants me to be. Be a pet to be tamed, leashed, restrained. Still, I can’t exactly control my fangs. [SFX: Grace hisses, the intern panics and runs out, slamming the door and locking it] 

There is a tiny bottle of oleander as well. Treat or curse, treat or curse… [SFX: the cork pops, gently being poured into the carbonated water] They give me just enough to let me sleep. Never enough to go any further. All calculated. [swallows] Blech, that does not pair well with blackberry sparkling water.

I never thought I’d wish for the day when I could see Lennox in a dream again… To just hear from the outside world. To get a message back to Bea… [SFX: the sound hazes out] Not long before Bea was turned, we went to a conference together, something for private detectives. She went along with so much when it came to the weird hours. I don’t think she completely bought my excuses, but she also knew that it wasn’t that odd for this line of work to be working at odd, unpredictable hours. That’s when it was available. Dark, late, perfect for me. I booked two rooms, but it turns out there was only one available. Which was fine, mind you, but then we arrived and…

 

[SFX: transition, moderately priced hotel room, Bea puts her duffle down]

 

GRACE: There’s a single bed.

BEA: I can sleep on the… uh… floor, I guess. Damnit, I thought there’d be a couch.

GRACE: Bea, no. It’s fine. I can figure something out.

BEA: I mean, we could just… sleepover it.

GRACE: What?

BEA: When you’re a kid and you have a sleepover and you share a bed?

GRACE: I can’t say that I did that much in my childhood.

BEA: Ah, it was a formative part of mine. I am ok to share the bed if you are.

GRACE_NARRATION: The main benefit to living this long is that you learn how to maintain an incredible poker face at times when it is increasingly difficult. Nevertheless, I could feel myself starting to sweat, just a little. A feeling I’d forgotten, but back as strong as if I was young again, in front of the object of my yearning. As long as I could resist the blush threatening to form in my cheeks, I would be fine. I could do this. It would be ok.

GRACE: If you’re comfortable with it, I’m sure we can make it through a night. I have cold feet, mind you.

BEA: That’s fine. So do I. But I’ll stay on my side.

GRACE: Right, of course. As one would expect.

GRACE_NARRATION: That night, I laid there in the dark, keeping my eyes locked on the wall, knowing that her body was mere inches from mine. Late into the night, I dared to allow myself to roll over and found myself staring at the way the light creeping in through the curtains played on her neck, collarbones, the gentle rise and fall of her chest. It had been a very long time since I felt a hunger within myself that I struggled to tamp down, and yet there I was, aching, a feeling that ripped through me like cracks on a frozen lake. I wanted to taste her. It was not a familiar hunger. It ran deeper, a desire to wake her and ask to put my mouth on hers over and over again, to taste every inch of her, to feel her blood and body hot on my tongue. I allowed myself another minute, and then went back to staring at the wall, counting the tiny daisies on the wallpaper until the sun began to set again and our day began anew. [SFX: magic transition wheeeee] Oh good, Hollis sent a diet coke. Maybe they’ll send actual food at some point. Miracles upon miracles…

 

[SFX: we’re in a manor in Regency England]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: It was a cold day in the latest months of autumn when I found myself at the manor of one Mr Lennox, a most boorish fellow. He had put out a glorious spread of the most fantastical pastries, but it felt like wallpaper over rot, fineries meant to distract from his shortcomings.

LENNOX: It is a terrible day out there, is it not, Miss Grace?

GRACE: Indeed it is. Dreadful.

LENNOX: The autumn grows colder and gloomier every year. I can’t imagine what it will be like in a few years time.

GRACE: Hm. Indeed.

HOLLIS: [SFX: enters the room] There is someone in the parlour who wishes to see you.

GRACE: Me?

HOLLIS: Appears so. They do not wish to speak to papa. They have a message, apparently.

LENNOX: [SFX: puts newspaper down] What kind of fellow comes to a house without warning and asks to only speak to the lady within its walls?

HOLLIS: Someone ill-mannered and ill-bred, no doubt.

LENNOX: I shall ask them to leave at once.

GRACE: Wait. Please, papa, let me handle this. I am able to manage moments like this on my own. I must be able to if I am to maintain my own house, god willing.

LENNOX: I would think it best if you stayed.

GRACE: I shall be the one to make that decision when the time comes, thank you. [SFX: gets up, walks out and down the hallway, enters into the parlour] Oh, hello.

BEA: Miss Grace, I apologize, I do not mean to intrude, but I wanted to speak with you. My… My name is Beatrice. Could we perhaps speak privately.

GRACE: Yes… yes, I do apologize for my lack of propriety, I am Grace, and I am most charmed to make your acquaintance. Please sit. I will send the servants away. [quietly to the servants] Thank you. [SFX: two people leave and the doors close] Would you like some tea?

BEA: No, I am well for the moment.

GRACE: The weather is awful, is it not as of late?

BEA: It is. But the weather is not what I am here to talk about.

GRACE: [quietly] You were never supposed to come here, it is too dangerous! What if-

BEA: Mr Lennox knows well of who I am, I see his men outside my shop. There are eyes everywhere. But I couldn’t bear to continue on in such secrecy, such scant moments where I can see you!

GRACE: He will be in here quite soon if I do not return to the dining room.

BEA: Yes, our moments are few. But I planned for that. [SFX: she takes her hands, they are both wearing satin gloves] My dear, please come with me.

GRACE: I beg your pardon?

BEA: Leave this cold, cruel manor. I cannot offer you riches or anything as palatial as this place, but I can offer you warmth. Know that I can give you love, love that will outlast the stone that builds these walls. I am poor, yes, most definitely in comparison to you, but I can offer a wealth that cannot be bought, cannot be sold. My love, come away with me.

GRACE: Mr Lennox will be furious. I have seen it in his eyes before. He will follow and will never give us a moment of peace.

BEA: Let him come. I do not fear him.

GRACE: What if I do?

BEA: Then I will protect you.

GRACE: And who will protect you?

BEA: I can protect more than one person at a time, please trust in that.

GRACE: It is tempting, so very tempting…

BEA: Then let me tempt you, with sweetness. A sweetness outside these walls… [SFX: somewhere far down the hall, footstep] I am sure that is him approaching.

GRACE: I feel frozen in place…

BEA: Then let me melt you. Please.

GRACE: I… I… [SFX: the door opens] I will take your hand.

LENNOX: You! What is the meaning of this?

GRACE: I am leaving! And you cannot stop me!

LENNOX: And who says that?

GRACE: I do!

BEA: And so do I!

GRACE: Come, show me the way out from this wretched place! Goodbye forever! [SFX: they start running, eventually they start giggling] 

BEA: To my carriage! The driver is waiting!

LENNOX: [in the distance] You will regret this betrayal!

GRACE: Highly unlikely! [SFX: they run outside and jump into the carriage]

BEA: Drive! Drive like the devil is at your feet! [SFX: the horses rear up and the carriage takes off] My dear, my dear you can be free! You can be as free as you want to be!

GRACE: I cannot wait to taste the freedom you offer, sweeter than any wine.

RHYS: [from the roof of the carriage] So long, suckers!

BEA: I apologize for him, he does not know the genre conventions.

 

[SFX: the carriage rides away, the TV static and fuzz kicks in]

 

LENNOX: I am Lennox Marlowe and welcome to Vampire Taskmaster, where both the contestants and the studio execs are bloodsuckers, but only one of them is the fun kind.

BEA: We’ve asked the contestants today to bring in the thing that’s killing them. And the winner of today’s competition will be, I assume, incredibly dead at the end of this.

LENNOX: Right. First up, we have Grace.

GRACE: [laughs] Oh, I just brought everything. Everything. Everything in this room! [SFX: A bottle smashes] Maybe death will be preferable! [SFX: the audience laughs and the room drops out]

GRACE_NARRATION: Maybe I’ve been drinking too much. Maybe this batch was stronger. Maybe it’s been building up in my system. I am in a haze of dreams and memories and dreams and memories and they tangle and weave and become new colours mixing until it is all muddy and opaque. Let me return to waking up beside Bea. Let me be there again.

 

[SFX: transition, they’re in Grace’s bedroom]

 

BEA: Three down, “____ into thin air”, 6 letters.

GRACE: Vanish.

BEA: Ah, correct. I think that ‘h’ at the end was throwing me off.

GRACE: I think I’ve just heard that clue before.

BEA: Also likely. If I ever see “jai alai” as an answer again it’ll be too soon. What do you want to do this weekend?

GRACE: Didn’t Rhys want to hang out?

BEA: Yeah, he wants to make us dinner.

GRACE: Can he cook?

BEA: No idea. He’s a snack but unsure if that translates.

GRACE: I’ll take your word for it.

BEA: Maybe we’ll show up and he’ll just be dressed in only an apron. Across the front it says “I’m French, you can tell by my baguette.”

GRACE: [laughs] That’s terrible.

BEA: Hey, I can’t say I wouldn’t check.

GRACE: Oh come on. What would you do if I did that?

BEA: Be into it.

GRACE: Oh my god! Wait, are you looking for a threesome with Rhys?

BEA: No! Unless you’re into it. Then yes.

GRACE: [laughs] And you think he’d be into it?

BEA: [stares]

GRACE: Oh my god, [SFX: hits her with a pillow playfully] the implications alone of even suggesting that when it comes to our HR policies!

BEA: Oh, and me sleeping with the boss is ok?

GRACE: As head of HR I have approved of the relationship and signed all the required forms!

BEA: [pillow over her face] These combined positions seem like a massive conflict of interest!

GRACE: There’s only one thing I’m interested in.

BEA: Firing your HR person?

GRACE: [SFX: removes the pillow] I never liked her anyway.

BEA: That’s a shame. I did.

GRACE: Maybe I’ll keep her around. And as for Rhys… maybe for your birthday. If you’re good.

BEA: Rats. This will never work then. I am deeply insubordinate.

GRACE: You’ve always been very good in the office.

BEA: That’s not what I meant… [SFX: the dream fizzles out again. It’s changing channels, but landing on nothing]

HOLLIS: Grace? Oh, for crying out loud, who’s been measuring these dosages? She’s barely conscious! I can’t work with someone this fucked up, her blood is probably 60% oleander at this point anyway! Idiots. [SFX: storms out]

GRACE_NARR: Haze, all a haze. A garden. I am trapped in a garden. I am in dreams. I miss watching TV. I miss Bea. I want to go home. I want to leave. I want to drive, drive away from this place, never look back, never…

 

[SFX: TV static transitions into Grace in a car, driving away at night. All of the audio that’s not Grace is playing over the radio]

 

RHYS: Hello late night listeners, this is the time for those with something to get off their chest to call in. Operators are standing by, filtering out whoever is the most interesting. So call in! We’ll pick you if we think you have a good story. Alright, we have Hollis on the line from Toronto, Hollis, what’s on your mind?

HOLLIS: Yeah, hi, I just recently led a coup at my job and I’m a little worried that it might cause some friction with the employees that are left-

RHYS: Pfft, boring! Who hasn’t run their boss out of town, bud? Why, I took over this station thanks to an engineer mutiny. Ain’t that right, boys? Yeah, they get it. Next caller.

LENNOX: Hello, my name is Lennox and I recently got ousted from my company.

RHYS: Oh my god, you should meet my new friend Hollis! You’d have so much to talk about. Whoever is in charge of the phone lines, can you hook those two up? Thanks. Next caller please, and this better be good.

BEA: Hi.

RHYS: Hello. What’s your name?

BEA: Bea.

RHYS: Just Bea?

BEA: Just Bea.

RHYS: Alright Just Bea, what’s on your mind?

BEA: I’m worried about a friend, Rhys. Well, not just a friend.

RHYS: Ooh, not just a friend. You have 5 seconds to impress me with why you’re worried.

BEA: She’s… I mean, she’s basically been kidnapped.

RHYS: Wow, you have my attention. Tell me about your “friend.”

BEA: She’s… she’s my girlfriend, to be honest.

RHYS: Hot.

BEA: Shut up. But also yeah. We’d… been having some trouble. She didn’t tell me what was happening at work-

RHYS: A theme tonight, clearly.

BEA: -and then by the time I was clued in, things were too far gone. She got wrapped up in some bad things. And she got betrayed by someone who… I mean, I knew they’d betray her, but they had a pre-existing relationship.

RHYS: Exes?

BEA: Good guess.

RHYS: Sounds like exes. So the ex kidnapped her?

BEA: Pretty much, yeah.

RHYS: Brutal.

BEA: Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe there’s a way for her to get out, like, there has to be.

RHYS: You could go in there and save her.

BEA: You know what? I think I’m going to.

GRACE: [talking to the radio] Bea, don’t be stupid. Please don’t be stupid!

BEA: I can go in there and get her, it’ll be hard, but… that’s fine.

GRACE: No you can’t! You can’t burst in here like some sort of super hero!

BEA: I want to, though. You can’t stop me.

GRACE: What if I want you to be safe? What if that’s why I’m here? You coming here would negate that! You don’t get to reject my sacrifice!

BEA: Yes I do. And you would do the same for me. You know that.

GRACE: [sighs] I do.

RHYS: Hey, whoever you are, stop invading my show.

GRACE & BEA: No!

RHYS: Alrighty, well let me finish this call, then you two can hash things out. So, girlfriend is trapped, you’re ready to get in there and save her, what do you think will happen? Sounds like you two were already going through it before anything even went down.

BEA: Just a little.

GRACE: Just a little…

BEA: But not enough to truly ruin things. Just enough that…

GRACE: We’re going to have a lot to talk about.

BEA: We’ve got a lot to talk about. But we can’t do that if she’s not here.

GRACE: I need you to be safe, Bea.

BEA: She just wants me to be safe, but I need to be able to make decisions for myself as well. Because I am a person with feelings and needs and wants and desires and strengths and I can be strong as well. And I know she knows this-

GRACE: I do!

BEA: But I need her to acknowledge it.

GRACE: Bea, I will! I will, I will find a way out and I will come home. I just need you to wait and stay out of harm’s way and then I will find you, I promise! I promise!

BEA: [long pause] You promised a lot of things.

GRACE: I know.

BEA: Is this how you think I’d feel?

GRACE: Yes.

BEA: I mean, I guess this isn’t actually me.

GRACE: I made choices.

BEA: You did.

GRACE: And now I’m here.

BEA: Yeah. [pause] Where are you driving to?

GRACE: [sigh] Somewhere. I don’t know. I feel like I’m driving in circles, honestly.

BEA: You know I am strong enough to get to you.

GRACE: I could never live with myself if you were hurt because of me. Not again.

BEA: Yes, but you also have to respect me enough to accept the choices I make.

GRACE: It’s more complicated than that! I’m sorry! … I’m sorry, I thought… I thought that maybe I’d earned the chance to fall in love. A special dispensation for my good behaviour. I had worked so hard to leave Lennox’s knife behind, and to instead live a life that was simple and peaceful and… kind. I wanted it so badly. And for such a short time, I had something that felt… so soft. Like a gentle dream. But maybe that’s all it was. A dream.

BEA: We were not a dream. And you are those things. With me, you can be gentle, and soft, and kind. You can still choose me. Don’t you want that, Grace?

GRACE: Of course I want that! Fuck! I don’t want this to be my life. I worked so hard. I worked so hard to get away from this, from all of this, but I’m back here, and the only way out that I can see is to become the woman I never wanted to be again. And I don’t want it, I don’t want it. I hate who I was, but I’m starting to realize that’s all I’ll ever be. I’m trapped in this, and THERE’S NO WAY OUT! [SFX: car near her honks] SHUT UP!

BEA: Grace, please, take a deep breath. [SFX: Grace does] That’s good. Good girl.

RHYS: … I think I might need to take another caller.

BEA: Can I stay on the line a little longer?

RHYS: Eh, why not. This will be good for ratings.

BEA: How are you doing, my dear?

GRACE: Badly. So badly.

BEA: Oleander?

GRACE: Yeah. Too much. Too often.

BEA: I’m so sorry. I wish you didn’t have it. Or need it.

GRACE: I should stop.

BEA: And then what?

GRACE: I don’t know. I don’t know but…

BEA: What?

GRACE: [sighs] I can figure something out. I always… figure something out. But you’re not going to like it. I’m not going to like it either.

BEA: You know that I probably won’t be mad at you.

GRACE: That makes one of us.

BEA: Do what you need to do, Grace.

GRACE: I don’t know if I can.

BEA: My love. I believe in you.

GRACE: I don’t deserve you.

BEA: Yes you do. Hey, if it helps, do you want to hear about my day?

GRACE: Yes. Please. I really do. I know it’s not real but it would be nice.

BEA: It’s been a good day. I did the crossword. Rhys is helping me repaint my bedroom. We’re painting it a beautiful sky blue.

GRACE: Your favourite colour.

BEA: Yes. And I can’t wait for you to see it.

GRACE: I love you, Bea. But you are a dream. You are a dream, and I can’t sleep forever.

RHYS: Alright lovebirds, we have to go to commercials, but coming up next, we have two divorced werewolves fighting over a cottage in the Muskokas! Right after this.

 

[SFX: TV static transition. Changing channels, landing on nothing. Cuts to room tone]

 

GRACE_NARRATION: How long have I been here? I lost track of days a long time ago. The drugs are wearing off, and my hunger for blood roars, competing with the pulsing of a withdrawal migraine. I fumble beside me for the last of the oleander and let it spill out on the table.

Enough. It time to wake up.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Grace, good evening. [pause] I want to say that you’ve been behaving very good, much better than I expected. I have to admit, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d killed the assistants I had sent down to drop off new clothes. [sigh] Look, I’m… sending you someone, ok? [SFX: the door unlocks but does not open] There is a man on the other side of the door.

GRACE: Here to be turned?

HOLLIS: God no. He’s some idiot who rear-ended me on the way to work.

GRACE: So he’s here because…

HOLLIS: A peace offering. Also you’re becoming insufferable when you’re hungry.

GRACE: [SFX: walks over to the door, sniffs] Wow, you even brought me an AB positive. You must like me.

GRACE_NARRATION: I don’t want to kill this stranger. But I hunger. I hunger for so much… He smells of Irish Spring, coffee, he’s recently been chewing gum. I could let him leave. I can hear his heart beating, I can hear the cheap watch he wears ticking away. I bet that if I looked in his wallet, there’s a photo of a child in there, or a partner. I can smell the sweat through the door.

I could choose waste away down here.

I’d give anything for the warmth of another right now.

HOLLIS: [speaker] Don’t you want to feel better, Grace?

GRACE_NARRATION: I don’t want to kill this stranger but… where has your mercy gotten you, Grace? Where has your mercy gotten Bea? [SFX: the door slams open violently, the guy goes to say something but his neck is ripped out]

HOLLIS: [speaker] ]I’m sure this will help you feel much better. Then we can talk in person, ok?

GRACE_NARRATION: Bea, if you could hear me… I would tell you something you need to know. I didn’t before, because I wanted to give you a better world, but in that, I failed. This is what I can offer now: sometimes killing is the answer. Sometimes you need to gnash your teeth and fight. But sometimes, when you’re backed into a corner, the smartest thing you can do is grovel. Bow, beg, capitulate, fawn, all so that you can live to see another day. Find the person with the most power in the room, and tell them everything they want to hear, for as long as you need to, until you figure out how to take that power for yourself. A fool might call it cowardice. I call it survival. And Bea, I am very, very good at surviving. I may never make it back to you. I may never be able to have a love that is kind, but if I can just find that focus again, that centre, I might be able to have revenge. That’ll have to be enough. One day, I am going to stab Hollis through the heart, and I will laugh as the light fades from their eyes. But not yet. Not yet.

[SFX: Grace sits there in the empty room, the episode transitions out with the TV static]

[end]

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Emily Kellogg as Grace
Alex Nursall as Bea
Ian Boddy as Rhys
Rob Deobald as Lennox
and J Strautman as Hollis

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Alex Nursall and Emily Kellogg
This episode was written and directed by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm