Woodbine

Summary

Hours, days, weeks pass. The world moves on and yet you feel stuck, lost. Bea is still trying to figure out how to get to Grace. Lennox is trying to figure out what his life looks like on the outside. Hollis is trying to adapt to a world that is moving too fast. Rhys is just trying to hold things together.

And all the while, Grace exists somewhere where no one but Hollis can reach them. What did her deal with the devil get her?

Content Warnings: violence, imprisonment

Transcript

[SFX: Emiel, Hollis’s office. They are quietly typing and working, letting out the occasional annoyed sigh. There is a crashing noise from somewhere down the hall, breaking glass, a bunch of shouting. Hollis sighs, gets up, and walks over to the door]

 

HOLLIS: I am getting way more usage out of this damn staff of power than I ever thought I would… [SFX: sound of punching and yelling] Who goes there? [to self] Why am I even asking, I know who it is. Be more shocked if it wasn’t-

BEA: [SFX: down the hallway] HOLLIS!

HOLLIS: Again? You need a new hobby!

BEA: I don’t know, I’m getting a little further in every time!

HOLLIS: [sigh, to self] I need to speak to security.

BEA: Just let her out!

HOLLIS: I’m not going to if you keep killing my ghouls!

BEA: Tell them to stop trying to kill me!

HOLLIS: Stop breaking in!

BEA: Stop holding Grace hostage!

HOLLIS: Make me.

BEA: That’s what I’m TRYING TO DO.

HOLLIS: [SFX: presses a button] Fabian, can you please come to my office? Bring the ghouls.

SECURITY: [speaker] On it.

HOLLIS: You have 2 minutes until the guys with silver-tipped batons come up here and beat the shit out of you. Again.

BEA: Hollis, I will just keep coming back.

HOLLIS: OK! Can you at least do a little less damage next time? It’s a huge pain in my ass having to have facilities clean the glass up and replace the windows.

BEA: The second I get to you and get access to the basement, I’ll have your head.

HOLLIS: [quietly] Yeah yeah, get in line.

BEA: What?

HOLLIS: I said get in line. [SFX: boots on the stairs coming up] Ah, here come the legbreakers.

BEA: Whatever, I killed a few more of your stupid undead minions.

HOLLIS: Do you feel better?

BEA: Honestly? A little.

HOLLIS: Great. You know who’s feeling good lately? Grace. We’re actually having a pretty nice time.

BEA: You little- [SFX: the door opens, big burly guys burst in] Damnit!

HOLLIS: I’ll see you next week, Bea. [SFX: Bea explodes into bats, flying out. Hollis stands there for a moment, the security guy walks over] 

SECURITY: Are you sure you don’t want us to use more force next time? We have nets.

HOLLIS: [sigh] It’s… it’s fine. She’s gotta blow off some steam, we all do. Just… try to stop her from breaking so many glass walls next time, ok? The cost is astronomical to replace them. [SFX: sighs, goes back into office, closes the door, walks over to chair, sits down, sighs again][SFX: knock on the door, Wil walks in]

WILHELMINA: Well, I see I’m visiting at the right now, I heard the commotion from the powder room. The girlfriend threw a tantrum, I see.

HOLLIS: [sigh] Maybe one of these days I’ll actually let her get remotely close to Grace before having her thrown out on her ass.

WIL: I don’t recommend playing with your food. Didn’t you learn anything from Lennox? She may be a child, but I still wouldn’t underestimate her.

HOLLIS: [SFX: email notification] Yeah, well, Lennox is gone and I’m here. [SFX: another email notification. Hollis sighs. Annoyed.]

WIL: For now. [beat] He’ll be back, in one way or another.

HOLLIS: Probably. Doesn’t mean he’ll get what he wants.

WIL: Hm. He’s persistent.

HOLLIS: And I’m patient.

WIL: You’d have to be, spending that many years at his beck and call. But are you sure you can handle his wrath?

HOLLIS: I have leverage.

WIL: Precious Grace.

HOLLIS: She’s… cooperating.

WIL: I imagine that’s conditional on the well-being of your cute little intruder.

HOLLIS: If Bea actually becomes a problem, I’ll deal with her.

WIL: If you say so. Speaking of, how are you and Grace getting on when it comes to fixing our little vampire problem? You’ve been dodging my calls.

HOLLIS: I’m fixing our “little vampire problem.”

WIL: Uh huh. You’ve also been dodging my crows.

HOLLIS: Yes, I had to put a ring of birdseed around my door. I’ve been busy.

WIL: You have been avoidant.

HOLLIS: There are a lot of other things I have had to get under control before I can focus on whatever you and the rest of the board are wanting to converse about. I am so incredibly aware of your concerns and will get around to dealing with them, [SFX: email ding] once I get everything else sorted. While I knew Lennox had his fingers in a lot of pies [SFX: email ding] I didn’t realize it was this many.

WIL: You don’t get to sass me anymore, Hollis. You’re no longer some random employee. You’re our employee, and you answer to us. 

HOLLIS: [pause] Apologies. I have been a little inundated with work lately. Between the ghouls and the fallout from Lennox’s departure-

WIL: You shouldn’t have let him go.

HOLLIS: I felt as though it was a bad idea to chase him out a window.

WIL: You spent a lifetime by his side, maybe you feel bad for him.

HOLLIS: No, that’s not it.

WIL: You’re overwhelmed.

HOLLIS: Well, there’s an audit happening in 4 departments, the New York office is requesting an expansion on both their office space and their budget, there’s a meeting in London next week that our Aufhocker representative is now not going to-

WIL: Yes, he was complaining that we should get off his back.

HOLLIS: Real fucking rich, coming from him. [SFX: sits back] It’s been busy, Wil. But you’re here now, so what do you want?

WIL: I apologize that there was no overlap between you and your predecessor to iron things out but, in my defense, that was your fault.

HOLLIS: I am aware.

WIL: Well, I’m glad. So let me ask about what I’m most largess. Is Grace complying with everything? Or has she been as much trouble as her friend? You’ve been evasive, so I want to hear about how things are going directly from you.

HOLLIS: She has been… mostly fine. I’m trying honey before I try the stick.

WIL: Do you think the mixed metaphors will help?

HOLLIS: Maybe. At any rate, I think she’s still… pliable. And sentimental. And… [SFX: email notification] Is there any chance you could get the rest of the board off my back?

WIL: [breezy] I can try, but they’re spooked. The markets are all over the place, they are impatient to have an answer as to how we can rebuild our numbers, and you need to convince them that you are the right vampire to lead us through whatever stormy weather we might be facing. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, dear.

HOLLIS: [SFX: email notification] My new assistant is useless.

WIL: What happened to the last one?

HOLLIS: Did you not sign the sympathy card for his widow?

WIL: Ah yes. Good help is hard to find.

HOLLIS: I am aware.

WIL: I’ve also been hearing complaints about employee morale-

HOLLIS: Oh my god, it’s never ending with you people. “Oh Hollis, the quarterly numbers are due,” “Oh Hollis, the ghouls are trashing the cafeteria again.”

WIL: [changing tack] [SFX: sitting back in the chair, nice smile] Listen, I don’t mind the ghouls, but I still think your plan was a little rash at the end. I’ll admit, you look good in that chair, but even an undead army can’t save you from the ire of immortals in a bear market. Ones who are quite fearful that there will be no one to take over come… retirement.

HOLLIS: I know. It will even out.

WIL: I’m not the one you need to convince. Look, I was tired of Lennox and his attitude. We all were! And his obsession with Grace was an unnecessary distraction. What we need is focus and energy, someone who can give us all a real… shot in the ass. But appearances also matter, Hollis. You need a communications strategy for this transition. Communication in general, frankly.

HOLLIS: I have one. Everyone leave me alone and let me do my job.

WIL: Ah, but keeping the board happy is your job now, Hollis. If you can’t handle managing the public perception of Emiel, find someone who can. Don’t let me down. We’re all looking to you to give us that energy, that… new blood. In more ways than one.

 

[SFX: transition, office. There’s a wet splashing noise at the desk]

 

RHYS: Sir, I will have to ask you to relax, because you are damaging the hardwood.

 

CTHULU: ₱Ⱨ’₦₲ⱠɄł ₥₲Ⱡ₩’₦₳₣Ⱨ ₵₮ⱧɄⱠⱧɄ Ɽ’ⱠɎɆⱧ ₩₲₳Ⱨ’₦₳₲Ⱡ ₣Ⱨ₮₳₲₦

RHYS: Ok, and you are trying to avoid paying alimony because… [SFX: odd gurgling] right, the affair. And how long was that going on? [SFX: bats! A swarm of bats becomes Bea and drops onto the couch in the office] [sigh] I’m sorry, we’re going to have to cut it short today, I’ll be in touch about scheduling another meeting.

CTHULU: ₴łØ₣ ₳₱Ø₩Ø’₴ VⱧ₣ⱧɄɄ ₣Ⱡ₳₮Ⱨ!

RHYS: Yes, the next meeting will be pro bono. Sorry, and thank you, have a nice night. [SFX: they leave, Rhys closes and locks the door] I can see that things did not go any differently this time.

BEA: No. Did you put the ice back in the mini-fridge?

RHYS: You know I did. [SFX: opens fridge, tosses her pack, closes it] Bea, storming Emiel clearly isn’t working. I can’t keep patching you up or… draping you in ice packs. Can we-

BEA: No. No, I’m not in the mood right now.

RHYS: Alright, alright…

BEA: [sighs] I’m sorry if I’m being snippy. I’m just sore inside and out. I killed like, 3 ghouls I think? But I swear there are more every time.

RHYS: I can join you if you want-

BEA: No, someone’s gotta keep things running here, I don’t need you getting your ass kicked by security too. [SFX: there’s a cough from behind the door] I thought the client just left?

RHYS: Yeah, I wouldn’t describe him as a client–

BEA: [realizing] Oh for crying out loud. [SFX: stomps over, opens Grace’s office door] WHAT?

BEA_NARR: Sitting at Grace’s desk is Lennox, a look of exhausted calm on his face, his trenchcoat hanging from the coat rack like it’s his space and always has been. He smiles ever so slightly and I feel the rage explode within me.

LENNOX: Hello Bea. I- [SFX: she shoves him] 

BEA: Where the hell have you been?

LENNOX: I needed a little vacation.

BEA: Oh, I’m glad to hear you’ve been relaxing. You’re like a parasite we can’t escape from for months and then when there’s a chance you could actually be useful, you disappear! You know Grace is still trapped down there, right? I could’ve used some help or some guidance or even the chance to speak to someone who knows the layout of the place.

LENNOX: I’ve been going through a lot, you know.

BEA: Ah, I’m sorry. In that case, come here. [SFX: he steps over, she starts slapping him] You PIECE OF SHIT!

LENNOX: [SFX: ducking as she smacks him] Ow! Ow! Ok, ok I GET IT!

BEA: NO YOU DON’T! I EARNED THIS!

LENNOX: [SFX: still getting hit] Are you just going to let her do this unchecked?

RHYS: She’s her own woman. Also, I think you deserve it.

LENNOX: [getting mad] Alright, ENOUGH. [SFX: compel] HANDS AT YOUR SIDE.

BEA: [SFX: stops, straining] FUCK YOU.

LENNOX: I will silence you again if I have to.

BEA: Just DO IT THEN.

RHYS: Not cool, Len.

LENNOX: You do NOT know me well enough to give me a cutesy nickname.

RHYS: I mean, I was going to call you Big Lenny but now I’m mad at you.

BEA: You could be helping me get her out.

LENNOX: I know. I probably… owe that to both of you.

RHYS: I think “probably” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

BEA: And will you?

LENNOX: Bea-

BEA: What are they doing to her? I have been trying to get in for weeks, I have been doing whatever I can, and nothing has worked. It is a black box.

LENNOX: If she’s complying, she’s likely turning people, those deemed worthy of it. The board is long in the fang and unwilling to consider any changes to how they’ve always done things, and their whole worry is that there will no longer be any new vampires and then… we just disappear as a species. But I guess that’s Hollis’s problem now-

BEA: Lennox.

LENNOX: They’ll keep sending them to her until there are enough vampires who can turn others, if that’s how things work out. If she isn’t complying, well… then they’ll strap her down and take the blood if they have to.

RHYS: But they’ll let her go once they make more who can create more vampires, right? … Come on.

LENNOX: I don’t know. The board is… unpredictable lately, to put it lightly. They’ve always been fickle, but now they’re scared and that’s making them… incredibly foolish.

BEA: Hollis doesn’t hate Grace enough to kill her. …

RHYS: … Do they?

LENNOX: Hollis wouldn’t kill Grace. I don’t think they’re made to be that kind of cruel. Other kinds, yes, [quietly] but not that kind. At least not to her. Hollis will give you Grace back when they’re done with her, and you can take whatever is left.

BEA: And when will that be?

LENNOX: Whenever they feel like it.

RHYS: Bea, can I talk to you over here?

BEA: Fine. [SFX: shoves Lennox]

LENNOX: Incredibly mature of you.

RHYS: Enough, both of you! [SFX: they walk out of Grace’s office and close the door] Are you going to kill him?

BEA: What?

RHYS: Before you lose it in there, are you going to kill him?

BEA: I don’t think so, at least not at this moment. We just got the floors resealed.

 

RHYS: Ok, great, because if you’re not going to rip his throat out then you can’t just kick the shit out of him right now. You have to see if he can help. We don’t have a lot of allies! I don’t have a lot of friends in this community and correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you do either! Unless you’ve been having raging parties without me. … Have you?

BEA: [sigh] No. I mean, I think you’re right…

RHYS: Look, he sucks, ok? He sucks bigtime. But…

BEA: I want to use him.

RHYS: He knows the building, he knows where they would be keeping her, and he knows Hollis. Better than me and definitely better than you.

BEA: Ok. You think we can do it? And also that I can hold back from killing him until then?

RHYS: I think Grace can hold her own for as long as it takes for us to get there. She survived Lennox all those years, right?

LENNOX: [SFX: through the door] You know these doors are very poorly soundproofed, right?

BEA: [SFX: walks over and opens the door] Lennox.

LENNOX: Bea.

BEA: I have some questions for you.

LENNOX: I’m all ears.

 

[Transition – SFX: Hollis’s office]

 

HOLLIS: [talking to themselves] This… these procurement orders are all out of order, this… fuck, where did Lennox keep this documentation? [SFX: opening drawers] The man has a dip pen but no sign pointing me to where he kept the files I need… [tired sigh] Michael-… no. Shit. What’s his name again? [SFX: shuffling papers] Uh… [SFX: hits call button] Lance?

LANCE: [speaker] Yeah?

HOLLIS: Can you please come in here?

LANCE: [speaker] Yeah, gimme a minute, just finishing my lunch.

HOLLIS: Now, please.

LANCE: [speaker] [SFX: eating] Yeah. [SFX: clicks off]

HOLLIS: [SFX: keeps working on paperwork] [to self] What are the chances he just never shows? Pretty high. [SFX: typing. The door opens] Lance, thank you for coming.

LANCE: Hey, no problem.

HOLLIS: [lightly irritated] Can you please go by finance and get me the expense reports from the last six months? I want to take a look at what exactly Lennox was up to.

LANCE: Finance is on…

HOLLIS: … 15. Floor 15. There’s no reason for you to be asking me that. You were shown your first week.

LANCE: Like I’m sure someone did, I just didn’t, like, retain it.

HOLLIS: Great. Please go.

LANCE: Hey, can we get Monster Energy drinks in the employee fridge?

HOLLIS: No, we got some complaints that it was insensitive.

LANCE: That’s stupid.

HOLLIS: I-… I’m not here to debate this. Go.

LANCE: Alright, alright. [SFX: he goes to leave, comes back] Oh, uh, you got some mail.

HOLLIS: And when did I get that?

LANCE: Uhhh… a couple days ago?

HOLLIS: [SFX: snatches the envelope from his hand] Please go. [SFX: he leaves] Oh for fuck’s sake, this is from a lawyer. [SFX: They slit it open with a fingernail and pull a large, legal letter out] Oh,  wrongful termination case?! Great! [SFX: slaps the desk] That JACKASS.

 

[SFX: transition. Basement at Emiel]

 

GRACE_NARR: More days, more nights. There’s a clock, but I flipped it against the wall a while ago. The time doesn’t matter. I just wait for strangers to appear at the door. Ready to be turned. Another body, warm to cold, either turned or dying at my hand, like punching a clock. Even the blood tastes dull on my tongue. Every time I turn someone I feel just that much weaker. It’s as though a piece of me goes with them. As though I’ve lost one more thing that I won’t get back.

GRACE: [SFX: the door closes as someone leaves] Is that it for tonight?

HOLLIS: I have three more lined up, they should be here in a couple hours.

GRACE: Please tell me you at least pre-screened these ones. Some of these people are deeply unpleasant.

HOLLIS: The first one, yes. The second two-

GRACE: Ugghhhh. 

HOLLIS: You told me you were bored. 

GRACE: I am bored.

HOLLIS: So I’m giving you something to do. You’re welcome. Also, I do not have time to handle all of these… interviews.  

GRACE: What’s your new assistant doing?

HOLLIS: Being completely useless.

GRACE: Then fire him and get a new one.  

HOLLIS: His father is part of the von Amdis clan, from the New York office. Did you ever meet his father? Athalaric? 

GRACE: I certainly did. Never mind. You are fucked. 

HOLLIS: [sigh] Just… handle it, ok?  

GRACE: Are you going to fire me if I don’t? 

HOLLIS: I’ll do a lot worse if you make this harder for me.  

GRACE: I didn’t like the needle in my arm. 

HOLLIS: I know. 

GRACE: So don’t do that again. 

HOLLIS: Don’t make me. 

GRACE: One of Lennox’s favourite catch phrases. 

HOLLIS: Yeah, well, he’s not here.  

GRACE: No, he’s not.

HOLLIS: [SFX: phone buzzing] I don’t remember him getting this many emails from staff, it’s like they smell blood in the water. I don’t know how he dealt with this.

GRACE_NARR: There is a weak spot. Press. You’ve always known how. Lean into it.

GRACE: He had a lot of years to slowly build things up and, in turn, get used to their idiosyncrasies. And… [shrug] you build a rapport, you build trust, you instill a certain amount of fear within their souls. Lennox was… is…

HOLLIS: A massive pain.

GRACE: Yes, but I think that kept some of them in line. They don’t know you, so they’re going to push you around. You spent a lot of years under his thumb so now they assume that you will be the same under theirs. Flexible.

HOLLIS: More like easily crushed.

GRACE: They’re unhappy and they want someone to blame. But they underestimate you at their own peril. [sarcastic smile] I would know.

HOLLIS: They think they know everything. They want to make the plans and execute none of them.

GRACE: They’re all old as dust. It’s probably making them complacent. Or, well, most of them, I think Bill joined in the 1920s. I guess that would excuse his sartorial choices, or at least the hats.

HOLLIS: I don’t think anything on earth would excuse Bill’s hat choices.

GRACE: The sickly orange trilby is… well, it’s something. [They both laugh a little and then realize they’re laughing together. It’s awkward] 

GRACE: Listen, Hollis. If you ever want to just… talk. I’ll be here.

HOLLIS: Yes, I know. This room has video surveillance.

GRACE: That’s not what I meant-

HOLLIS: [SFX: email notification] [annoyed sigh] Just… turn the good ones and kill the ones who aren’t worth it. I need to get out of here. [SFX: email] Once I finish dealing with this unending list… [SFX: leaves, slams door]

GRACE_NARR: There’s a weak spot. There always is.

 

[SFX: transition. Answering machine message, Hollis’s office]

 

WIL: [voicemail] Hello Hollis, it’s Wilhelmina calling. I received a message that our dearly deposed Lennox has chosen to lodge a wrongful dismissal suit against us via the Ontario Inhuman Rights Council? I’ve heard from my contacts that Gragnar the Destroyer of Worlds is possibly representing him, so if you could just do me a little favour and get that sorted out? Violently, if you have to? I’d like for him to be as little of a problem as possible before this case comes before the Tribunal of Elders. Also, I just wanted to check if you are available to give a presentation on how the new vampire fledgings are doing. I know that there have been a few who have been added to the staff and that’s wonderful to see, but there are concerns that things are not moving fast enough. Also, have you done any research or testing yet into what their possible abilities might be? There’s concerns that one vampire creating so many at one time might cause a watering down effect, so- [SFX: they shut it off, sigh] 

HOLLIS: Fuck it. [SFX: they get up and walk out]

 

[SFX: transition. Lennox’s house]

 

BEA_NARR: Being back in Lennox’s house feels like a mistake. My hands immediately go cold the moment I walk in. There is a stain on the ground, a smear of blood ground into the carpet. I think it’s mine. I hope it never comes out. At least Rhys is with me this time.

RHYS: [whispered] Is that your blood?

BEA: I think so.

RHYS: Gross.

LENNOX: [SFX: rifling through some folders] I have a blueprint of Emiel Holdings somewhere in here. That can help to narrow down exactly which room she’s being held in. I have suspicions.

BEA: How far down do you think it is?

LENNOX: Deep. There’s a whole system of catacombs down there. It’s easy to get lost if you don’t know where you’re going.

RHYS: Did you install that or did the building come with it?

LENNOX: Originally we were supposed to be connected to the PATH, but that fell through, so I improvised.

RHYS: Can’t fault that.

LENNOX: [sigh] You don’t have to stand there and loom over me, are you sure you don’t want to-

BEA: If you say something like “go take a look around” or “retire to the reading room” after how things went last time, I will punch you so hard your teeth come out the back of your skull.

LENNOX: You’re going to have to work on the anger.

BEA: DON’T TELL ME TO WORK ON THE ANGER RIGHT NOW, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE.

LENNOX: I am suffering as well.

BEA: And I’m sooooooo sorry, do you want a hug? [pause] That was obviously a joke!

LENNOX: Of course.

BEA_NARR: Asking him for help was… a choice. But there’s this part of me that just assumes he will run again. He’ll realize that he has no chance here, so he’ll pack his bags and go to some resort in Mallorca and then it’s just… Rhys and I. And I guess Aurelius. Shit, I should call him. I don’t know, maybe I can leverage some sort of species rivalry to drum up werewolf support. But probably not, because that’s stupid.

LENNOX: [SFX: closing a drawer] Unfortunately, I don’t believe it’s in my desk. I assume that it’s in the storage room downstairs. I won’t make you come with me.

BEA: Thank you. How considerate.

LENNOX: If you’re going to be this testy-

BEA: I get to be today, ok? I get to be today and maybe tomorrow and maybe forever if Grace doesn’t come back, because I’m putting this on you. Even the stuff that’s Hollis’s fault, I’m putting on you because who knows what kind of person they would’ve been if not for your shitty behaviour.

LENNOX: [pause] Cutting.

BEA: Good. I just want Grace back.

LENNOX: I know the feeling. You are allowed to show Rhys around if you like. I only ask that you please do not break any more of my windows. No funny business. I don’t think I have it in me right now.

BEA: Noted. [SFX: Lennox leaves]

BEA_NARR: Grace, if you knew I was here, you’d be so mad. Such a silly decision. But… I know who he is now. Somewhere along the line he got… cocky. And I know that. And I wish you were here with me.

 

Lennox’s necklace, a small dried amount of your blood contained within. It’s around my neck, cool and smooth. Does he feel its absence? It feels like it will choke me if I think too hard about it.

 

RHYS: You look sweaty.

BEA: Can we step out onto the veranda while we wait? I think I need some air.

RHYS: We can, as long as you lead the way because I don’t know what that is.

BEA: [laughs a little] This door here. [SFX: they walk over and open the door and step outside, it is quiet and peaceful in the backyard]

BEA_NARR: Looking around, all I can see are manicured lawns and the warm lights of multi-million dollar homes, humming only with the sound of insects somewhere in the distance, as if they were kept away by affluence. I don’t want to see organized greenery or hedges with perfectly trimmed edges. I want to see chaos. I want to see destruction. I just want to hear her voice again.

HOLLIS: [from behind them] Hey you two.

RHYS: Gah! Where did you come from-

BEA: YOU. [SFX: grabs Hollis and slams them to the ground] WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HOLLIS: [breathing heavily, but in good spirits] See, I knew you’d be like this, so I made sure to wear a poly blend this time.

BEA: [close] Give me one really, really good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now.

HOLLIS: [SFX: bampf, teleports away, Bea drops to the ground] Because I can do that and you can’t, dummy.

BEA: What do you want?

RHYS: Hollis, what are you doing here?

HOLLIS: It’s nice here. Quiet. Lennox never sits out here anymore so sometimes I like it as a place to decompress. [to Rhys] Unless you’ve got some free time. There are other ways to decompress [they mean sex].

RHYS: Yeah, I’m going to have to think about it.

HOLLIS: Fine. Let me know.

RHYS: If Lennox sees you then all hell is going to break loose.

HOLLIS: Fine. I have a lot of energy I need to get out.

BEA: Clearly. Is Grace ok?

HOLLIS: Why would I hurt my golden goose?

BEA: What will you do when the shine wears off?

HOLLIS: Don’t worry, she’s safe.

BEA: Safe isn’t enough.

HOLLIS: Maybe she’s exactly where she wants to be.

BEA: Oh, I highly doubt that.

HOLLIS: Whatever. Besides, what are you doing here?

BEA: None of your business.

RHYS: Hollis, what-… what can we do? Just… you have to have figured this out by now. You got what you wanted. You’re making new vampires, I’m sure ONE of them can make a new one.

HOLLIS: Not yet.

BEA: You’re testing them? 

HOLLIS: We were for a bit, but… none of them were any good, so… no.

BEA: What? WHYY?!

HOLLIS: That requires time I do not have-

BEA: You’re IMMORTAL-

HOLLIS: And I already have what I need.

BEA: [SFX: stalking up to them] Let me see her.

HOLLIS: [SFX: compel] Stop. [Bea stops] Thank you. And no. I won’t be doing that. It’s not personal, it’s business.

BEA: [struggling] How is this not personal?

HOLLIS: Because I don’t care about you as a person.

RHYS: Hollis! Just… stop. Please!

HOLLIS: Like I said, no.

BEA: I’m gonna find you.

HOLLIS: I know. I’ll see you next week, I’m sure.

LENNOX: [from inside, approaching] Bea? Rhys? I was correct in my assertion.

RHYS: [quietly] If this goes sideways, we run, ok?

BEA: Yeah, just drag me along-

LENNOX: [SFX: coming to the veranda door] Ah, I see you’re enjoying the garden. I haven’t had much time for it but-… [sees Hollis] Hollis.

HOLLIS: Hey Len. How’s retirement?

LENNOX: [SFX: storming over] You have a lot of nerve showing your disgusting little face around here.

HOLLIS: I wanted to speak to you. You’ve avoided all my calls.

LENNOX: In what universe would I want to speak with you?

HOLLIS: The one in which you’re lodging a lawsuit against me and Emiel-

LENNOX: For excellent reasons!

HOLLIS: Talk to the board then! Settle out of court! Don’t-

LENNOX: Oh, you want me to relent? I gave you a job, a home, a life–

HOLLIS: AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT!

LENNOX: I gave you EVERYTHING-

HOLLIS: AND YOU TOOK EVERYTHING YOU COULD!

LENNOX: You want me to call off Gragnar? As the kids would say, as if.

BEA: He’s been watching Clueless. 

LENNOX: I have a lot of time to catch up on the media I may have missed.

HOLLIS: I’m only going to ask you once. Don’t go through with the lawsuit.

LENNOX: No. What are you going to do, sic ghouls on me again?

HOLLIS: Would you be surprised if I did?

LENNOX: Not really.

HOLLIS: Oh, ok, good then. [rubbing face with hands] It’s never easy with you, is it? It’s always a challenge, so fine. Ghouls. I’ll just do what you expect me to do. [SFX: walks over to a bush, pulls the staff out] By the way, it’s really easy to hide stuff in these dense hedges, your gardener does excellent work.

BEA: Oh come on-

BEA_NARR: The staff of power glows a horrible, throbbing red. Hollis smiles and somewhere nearby, I can start to hear soggy footsteps start to run towards us. They have been waiting. Lennox goes to lunge at them but Hollis disappears, only to reappear a split second later behind me, razor-like nails dug into my neck before I can react.

HOLLIS: Tell me that you’ll call it off or else I’ll take Bea’s trachea back to Grace in a velvet-lined box.

BEA: [quietly] Do it, you coward.

RHYS: HOLLIS, STOP THIS RIGHT NOW.

HOLLIS: Not even going to try a compel? Lennox, if you dare, I will jump with Bea in my arms and we will see if it’s possible for two of us to go through at once. Last time it wasn’t so successful-

BEA: What?

HOLLIS: It’s ok, we eventually found their legs.

LENNOX: Let’s talk about this-

HOLLIS: Say it.

BEA: LENNOX, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR LAWSUIT-

LENNOX: It’s amazing how much trouble you’ll go through to hurt me but never come close.

HOLLIS: I’ve learned my lesson before. Say you’ll retract the suit!

RHYS: Come on man-

LENNOX: Fine. You win. Again.

HOLLIS: I know. [SFX: they shove Bea to the ground] And I deserve it, every last win.

BEA_NARR: Lennox doesn’t even attempt to fight back. He just stares at them. If bags could spontaneously form under his eyes, they would. The sound of ghouls, getting closer.

RHYS: Call them off. … Hollis!

HOLLIS: Think of this as your severance. [SFX: they tap the staff on the ground and there’s a hum, then most of the footsteps and ghoul sounds stop, some are still shambling forward] Nice working with you, Len. I look forward to the statement from Gragnar. Tell him I say hi. [SFX: they bampf away]

RHYS: Next time we see them, I’m breaking that staff.

BEA_NARR: Hollis disappears with one last look of… pity, maybe? At Lennox. Rhys helps me up off the ground as Lennox continues to stand there, a man unmoored. In the distance, ghouls still approach, although not as many. Maybe Hollis is getting sloppy. Maybe they didn’t care. Or, if I’m lucky, they’re just not as in control as they think they are. A ghoul shambles towards us, then another, rotting feet squelching through the perfectly maintained grass in the backyard that no one sits in, and Rhys and I square our shoulders to fight, because what else is there to do but fight? What is there other than to face the monsters on every side? I feel helpless against the tide. I can only imagine how Grace feels.

 

[SFX: transition, Emiel. Grace is sitting in the room, Hollis across from them]

 

GRACE_NARR: Perhaps one day I’ll inject Hollis with a paralyzing agent and then bury them alive in a pit in my backyard. I’ll pour the concrete solution over their body slowly, so slowly, their paralysis making them helpless against what’s to come. They will feel every moment of the way the concrete solution fills the crevices of their body before the heat begins, the hardening process an unrelenting chemical burn creating an eternal tomb. And then they will be alone, in the dark, for an eternity. [peppy] Maybe I’ll put down a patio set on top of their unmarked grave. I have been wanting an excuse to host a barbecue…

HOLLIS: –[continuing on, they’ve already been talking] Wilhelmina’s still on me about communications strategies. As though I haven’t done enough to increase efficiency, now I have to figure out a way to communicate it to idiots. All they do is complain.

GRACE_NARR: And yet I listen. Because it is always about knowing when to press and when to wait. And I am patient.

GRACE: That sounds hard.

HOLLIS: Don’t choke on whatever it is you’re trying not to say.

GRACE: I’ve been… out of the loop, but can I give you my professional opinion?

HOLLIS: [exasperated] By all means.

GRACE: I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think she’s right on this one. An integrated plan for strategic messaging is crucial. What did your official public transition statement say?

HOLLIS: I’m getting around to that.

GRACE: [laughs in disbelief] You violently ousted the CEO, stepped up into the role, and… you just haven’t said anything about it!? Did you think the shareholders wouldn’t notice? You and Lennox don’t exactly fill out a suit in the same way.

HOLLIS: Do I need to remind you that you’re not the one in charge here? I seem to recall you didn’t enjoy it the last time I… made that point clear.

GRACE: Oh captain, my captain.

GRACE_NARR: A needle in my arm I do not want, but cannot stop, my blood as a currency. I want to slap them, but I can’t. Well, I suppose I could, but it wouldn’t get me what I want. Which is this: a modicum of freedom. Right now, my best bet is to try and gain Hollis’s trust. I’ve been making progress, but it’s slow going. Navigating Hollis has… always been tricky. They can be volatile and caustic, but I know them better than they realize. They use cruelty as armor so that no one can see what they really want: Recognition. Approval. They won’t trust it if I give it away too easily, and so here I am. Playing their game, pushing my anger deep, deep down, allowing it to show only strategically, giving Hollis just enough to continue believing that they have and will always have the upper hand.

GRACE: If you don’t want my opinion, then why tell me this?

HOLLIS: Maybe I just needed to vent to someone inconsequential. I mean… who are you going to tell?

GRACE_NARR: Hollis came in here tonight after my last round interviews with potential vampires. No one I spoke to today made it through the process. Maybe my standards were too high. Maybe I’m not in the mood. Maybe I’ve just lost my appetite. Hollis started to yell, but it quickly became clear that they didn’t want to yell at me. They just wanted to yell. Because this job is drowning them. They’re suffocating under the weight of responsibilities, paperwork, meetings, messages, requests, complaints… I want to let it crush them, but… this is it. My  shot. I won’t waste it.

GRACE: Fine. Then is that all, or [fake wink, sarcasm born out of exhaustion] can you just not stay away from your favorite princess, locked in a tower.

HOLLIS: You could leave, as long as you remembered that your actions have consequences.

GRACE: … I know. I know. But, can you please… at least give me something else to do? I am so tired of rinse-drain-repeat, rinse-drain-repeat.

HOLLIS: What do you want to do?

GRACE_NARR: Time to fucking shine, Grace.

GRACE: I… have a pitch.

HOLLIS: This is starting to sound like I would be doing you a favour… What would I get in return?

GRACE: [SFX: bingly bingly] What is it that you want?

HOLLIS: Don’t humiliate yourself, Grace.

GRACE: [flirting] But you used to like it when I did that.

HOLLIS: [snorts] The sad thing is that I can see how that might have worked on Lennox, my God, he is pathetic. And you are predictable! Is this the part where you finally get down on your knees?

GRACE: Is that what you want?

HOLLIS: It probably wouldn’t hurt.

GRACE: Fine. [SFX: shuffling noises, on her knees] Now will you listen?

HOLLIS: Ok, let’s hear it.

GRACE: Here’s what I know: The board is temperamental and nettlesome, and it’s going to take a calculated public relations push not to send the shareholders panicking, if they aren’t already. You may have the backing of the undead, but [SFX: bingly bangly magic] public relations is my specialty. I know it annoys you, but… people like me, Hollis. I know how to spin. It’s what I’m good at.

HOLLIS: It’s what you used to be good at. Besides, any transition period is going to-

GRACE: The transition period is over. You’re in the thick of it now. You need every ally that you can get. And… Well, I’m right here: willing, able, and eager to serve.

 

[SFX: transition, Bea’s bedroom]

 

BEA_NARR: There is something that happens when you get into your 30s where you truly start to realize how fast time moves, how little control you have over it. That things that felt like forever when you were young just pass by you so quickly that you can’t even take the chance to enjoy them. Afterwards, you just stop and go… I guess that’s over. I guess we’re done here. I hope I appreciated it enough at the moment. God, I am going to be in my 30s forever, but also I will only get old, so old. Memories are good but you want the feeling to be in the now. To bloom in the present around you, like a garden in spring.

I don’t want to say how quickly I got used to Grace not being in bed beside me. It wasn’t immediate, but it was… faster than I assumed. Maybe I was just so tired that I had to sleep and my body made me do it. Maybe darkness was kinder. I got used to an empty bed. But I’m not used to waking up here alone.

BEA: [rolls over and sighs]

RHYS: Hey, you ok?

BEA_NARR: And apparently Rhys was also tired of being alone, so here we are. Roommates. Eternally glad Grace surprised me with a king-sized bed, because he is… uh… broad.

RHYS: Do you want me to turn the light out?

BEA: No, it’s fine. You can keep reading.

BEA_NARR: He’s been here on and off. Some nights, he disappears into the world outside. I know he goes to the clubs to feed, find a warmth that I can’t provide, maybe just take the chance to talk to someone who isn’t me. And sometimes he just doesn’t want to go back to his place, possibly because Hollis could get in. So… I guess we’re bunkmates for a bit. It’s fine. He doesn’t snore. That much.

RHYS: You know you talk in your sleep, right?

BEA: Do I?

RHYS: Yeah. Mumbling, mostly. Although you said something about… cats, I think?

BEA: Maybe I should get a pet.

RHYS: Ooh, I’d like a familiar.

BEA: Yeah. That could be… fun.

RHYS: Come here. [SFX: she gets closer] Don’t worry, I’m not here to muscle in on Grace’s territory-

BEA: I mean, you kind of literally are, that’s her side of the bed and you are very muscly.

RHYS: -most evenings you wake up looking…

BEA: Despondent?

RHYS: Sure, let’s go with that.

BEA: You know what? I’ll take the hug. Can’t hurt. [she relaxes for a moment] How’re you doing?

RHYS: Fine, I just like being useful.

BEA: You’re always useful. And more. If you were just a pretty face I would’ve left you at the office for safe keeping.

RHYS: Thank you. [SFX: a thump in the other room] That’s probably not good.

BEA: [sigh] Ugh, he’s going through my stuff again!

BEA_NARR: Rhys is a houseguest I am here for. My other houseguest, now that is a different story…

LENNOX: [SFX: behind the door] If you have a copy of The Silmarillion, please let me know.

BEA_NARR: A depressed, displaced, useless Lennox, hiding out on my couch.

LENNOX: Don’t worry, I found it!

BEA_NARR: The ghouls broke the windows at his place in the fray, damaged the roof, I think one of the ghouls was once a disgruntled roofer, just saying. And he ripped a bunch of them apart, yes, but then… He just stood there in a pile of limbs, then went and picked up the maps he had left on the table, and came over and asked if he could come to mine, because Hollis could get in. Because they’ve been there before. Because the roof is ruined. Because there’s broken glass everywhere. What he’s not saying is because I’m losing everything but neither of us are that oblivious. And I should’ve said no. I wanted to say no. And yet, here we are, because he has what I want and I am very tired. So now he is on my couch. Sad. But Rhys is here and we can nap in shifts. He’s sad but… of course, I do not trust him. But I can use him. I hope.

RHYS: Do you want me to kill him?

BEA: You know what? Maybe later. [SFX: sits up] Wait, is this my old shirt?

RHYS: I needed a sleep shirt.

BEA: So you took my old Canada’s Wonderland one?

RHYS: I think it’s a bootleg one, to be fair, I don’t think they ever made merch that said “Ride me at Canada’s Wonderland.”

BEA: Don’t stretch it!

RHYS: It’s an XL!

BEA: And yet you still look ready to pop out of the sleeves with a misplaced flex!

RHYS: Thank you, I’m just glad someone noticed.

LENNOX: [SFX: from behind the door] Please keep the merriment to a minimum, thank you. Some of us are trying to seethe because their home was recently destroyed by a pack of rabid ghouls. Do you have cable? I want to watch Jeopardy. There’s a Van Helsing show? I knew him! That guy sucked.

BEA: I need him out of here.

RHYS: Yeah. Can I stay?

BEA: Of course. But you have to get your own clothes.

RHYS: Fair enough.

BEA_NARRATION: What I do not say is that I feel like thin porcelain, filled with blood with wine with tears with everything, and there are cracks, cracks forming and spidering across me. I can’t hold this pressure anymore and I am breaking.

Remember everything. Remember every feeling and every touch, try to replay them in your mind, try to remember the feeling of her body against you and hope it calms you, but it doesn’t. Press your fingernails into your palm and feel how it hurts, but it never bleeds.

I am not giving up, but this feels a little  like dying. I died once, and now I am here again. And the man who started this, he sits on my couch channel surfing. He looks up and quietly watches me as I walk to the window to peer down on the street below. He did not dare watch the first time because he is a coward, but now he watches as I crush my fingernails into my palm but never bleed.

 

[SFX: Transition. Basement room at Emiel]

 

GRACE_NARR: Hollis came back two nights later, to complain in my direction. And I listened. I was patient. They came back the night after that, and the night after that. They like being listened to. And so, I listen. And I don’t complain, even though with each person I turn, I feel more of myself disappearing, my body exhausted and drained and ever more unfamiliar. I was once the vampire Grace Hawthorne, but I worry that soon, all that will remain of me is the stench of tinny blood.

HOLLIS: The point is, Lance is an idiot.

GRACE: I can see why you’d want him gone.

HOLLIS: Hm. And what do you want? It’s been long enough, anything I can do for you, Grace?

GRACE_NARR: Negotiation is its own kind of turning. First, you find the soft spot on their neck and nibble, just a little.

GRACE: Oh, well, I want my old job back. COO title. But this time, I want double the salary, and I want the corner office on the fifteenth floor. I liked the one overlooking the lake. Eventually, I’ll want to return to my home that has my art and my toiletries and my wine collection-

HOLLIS: [laughs] Do you want a cat that barfs golden hairballs as well?

GRACE: I know I’ll have to earn it, and I can deal with that. For now, I just want to get upgraded to one of the spare visitor suites.

GRACE_NARR: Negotiation is transformation. You start big, so that the small asks feel manageable. So that they’re distracted when the needles of your teeth enter their skin.

HOLLIS: And Bea? Where does she fit into all of this?

GRACE_NARR: Negotiation is consumption. You lie until your mouth fills with their blood.

GRACE: I… let her distract me for too long. I was panicking. I let my emotions get the better of me, and I let you down. I see that now. It’s just… you know me, Hollis, I’m a romantic. I sometimes think with my heart instead of my head. But I can see things more clearly now. You… have been forced to pick up Lennox and my messes time and time again. Thank you. And thank you for getting rid of him when I… couldn’t.

HOLLIS: Thank you for saying all of that, Grace. Even if it was complete and utter bullshit.

GRACE: I am merely trying…

HOLLIS: Save it. I’ll still need you to keep making vampires, but… I’ll see what I can do about the job.

GRACE: And the room?

HOLLIS: … I’ll see what I can do.

 

[SFX: A sub, sub, sub basement of Emiel. Most folks have forgotten that it exists, if they ever did.]

 

SILAS: Are you sure you know your way around here?

WILHELMINA: I do. At least, I hope I do, or else we’ll have an eternity to get to know each other better. Bill knew it better than I did, but alas.

SILAS: Did you sign the card for his husband? And his wife?

WIL: I did. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the lilies and the donation to the Humane Society in his name.

SILAS: It is unfortunate how little of him was left, but the ghouls are… violent. [looking around] And this place reeks of it as well. I do not wish to be down here longer than needed for whatever farcical idea you might be having at this moment.

WIL: Don’t make me regret bringing you in on this, Silas.

SILAS: As of now I am unclear as to how a hidden cavern in the subbasement can help us from collapsing, both as a species and as a company. You’ve seen the test results!

WIL: Yes yes, the vampires being made are getting weaker. And I think we should try something more dramatic!

SILAS: This kind of haphazard attitude is exactly what got Bill torn in half and Lennox torn in half metaphorically. [annoyed] Goodbye, Wil. [SFX: goes to leave]

WIL: Oh, stop being so fussy. Maybe Lennox was a dud. Maybe Hollis is as well! They’re certainly floundering. And maybe there isn’t a vampire who can help us. But perhaps she can. [SFX: She snaps her fingers and braziers flame to light, he stops]

SILAS: You can’t bring me here and expect to tempt me with myths.

WIL: Did you think Lennox spawned out of nothingness?

SILAS: … Does Hollis know about this place?

WIL: Of course not. And yes, I think we should give them a moment to try and prove themselves, avoid another stack of paperwork. But they’re already… distracted. I wanted you to know that we have options.

SILAS: Awakening them would be reckless. But… the ancients… I’d thought they had disappeared.

WIL: It would be a big swing. But I love swinging.

SILAS: How would we even begin to summon them?

WIL: Ah, they slumber because they choose to. They needs only a reason to return. All we need to do is give them one.

[end]

 

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Alex Nursall as Bea
Emily Kellogg as Grace
Ian Boddy as Rhys
J Strautman as Hollis
Rob Deobald as Lennox
Kat Lewtin as Wilhelmina
Michael Hogan as Silas
Shaun Oldfield as Lance
and Phil Wright as the security guard

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Emily Kellogg and Alex Nursall
Showrunning and direction by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm