Woodbine

Summary

In the dream, the waters are clear and warm and the air is sweet. The sun is shining.

But… that can’t be right. That’s not how this works. And in dreams, Grace and Bea must both face changes they never wanted, choices they didn’t make.

Meanwhile, Hollis is facing the fallout of their choices. Options they took that made things shift and shudder in ways they didn’t expect. Or did they? The waters shift and move and the tides roll around them, predictable and yet entirely destructive.

Content Warnings: violence

Transcript

[SFX: Hollis’s office. They go and sit down, sigh. A few moments of silence]

 

LANCE: [speaker] Hey, uh, the board called.

HOLLIS: How many times?

LANCE: [speaker] I dunno, like 40? I’ve just been letting it go to voicemail.

HOLLIS: Yeah, fine.

LANCE: [speaker] Is the rumour true-

HOLLIS: You’re asking me to confirm rumours?

LANCE: [speaker] I mean, my dad heard whispers that you let Grace walk out, that she overpowered you at a nightclub?

HOLLIS: She didn’t overpower me, why are people acting like she kicked my ass?

LANCE: [speaker] So, Grace is still here then?

HOLLIS: [annoyed, quietly] I didn’t say that.

LANCE: [speaker] Ok… Were you drunk? I can’t picture you out getting trashed.

HOLLIS: And you shouldn’t.

LANCE: [speaker] But like, she’s gone, right? I dropped blood off at her door but it looks like no one’s taken it into the room.

HOLLIS: Please go collect it and put it back in the fridge. I have a million emails to get to.

LANCE: [speaker] And the board-

HOLLIS: I’ll get to it! [sigh] Just… I’ll deal with them eventually. [SFX: dials, phone rings for a while, goes to VM, they sigh and hang up]

 

[SFX: Grace’s penthouse, she comes over and straddles Bea on the couch]

 

GRACE: That book can’t be more interesting than me.

BEA: I’m right at the climax, no, don’t make the obvious joke here.

GRACE: I deserve more credit than that.

BEA_NARR: Grace has been… insatiable. It was nearly three months apart and she’s hungry like she’s never been touched before. There is a voraciousness that is almost… overwhelming. And I want her, I want her so badly, and also I feel like I need to start doing more yoga or something because even if my body is honed like a Greek statue post-transformation, it’s not THAT honed.

BEA: Did you eat?

GRACE: I’m fine.

BEA: Maybe we should talk, we still haven’t-

GRACE: Bea, it’s OK. You were right. The compel worked. Hollis physically cannot cause us harm or be responsible for harming either of us. We don’t need to be afraid of the ghouls.

BEA: That’s not what I meant-

GRACE: And for now, Hollis will be trying to save face with the board. They have my blood, they have… the people I turned, they’re going to look for another solution before admitting I’m gone. We can’t let our guard down, but… we’re not in imminent danger.

BEA: That’s also not what I meant…

GRACE: In the meantime, I can think of better ways to spend our time…

BEA_NARR: Grace has not wanted to talk about her time at Emiel. There are bits and pieces that slip out, small moments where she offers a story about what it was like while we were apart. How she had to turn others. How not all of them survived. How she got Hollis to trust her. But there is a point where the conversation stops and I am left on the outside again. When I start to ask questions, she… deflects. Defers. Disrobes. And… Well, I’m pretty weak as well these days. I missed every part of her as well.

 

BEA: Ok, I’m not turning you down but also I want to-

GRACE: I will get a snack afterwards, don’t worry. I missed you. [SFX: moves in close]

BEA: And what did you miss about me?

GRACE: That mouth.

BEA: Very poetic.

GRACE: I’m saying you should shut up and use yours for something else.

BEA_NARR: She tastes like cinnamon, those tiny candy hearts I remember having as a kid on Valentine’s day. She hasn’t even been gone that long and yet I press my mouth to hers like it’s been years. I cannot be close enough, I don’t want to find an end. I feel her nails dig into my back and I want to be torn apart by her and put back together. She is radiating hunger.

BEA: I could just worship you right now.

GRACE: You’d be right to.

BEA_NARR: She doesn’t want to talk. She just wants to be close. Doors locked, staying in the penthouse where Hollis can’t enter. They’ve never been here. I wonder if the peace lily at her house that I got her is dried up and dead from neglect. And I can’t fault her for that fear, but I have questions. Concerns and worries that quietly build and bubble, a sense that the trauma will eat at us until we can’t deny its presence anymore. But she doesn’t want to dig into it. I know it is there because as the afternoon rolls on, I wake to her dreaming. She pulls inward and claws at the pillow in her sleep. When I touch her, I… I can feel the crackle of the magic on the edges. I want to comfort her and I am afraid to. Sometimes I’m able to suppress it but as I drift off it’s… hard. It’s hard to stop. And I can start to see the tiniest edges of what happened. I shouldn’t go prying. I should wait for her. But…

And I can’t let go of this feeling that… we’re not free yet. We’re not safe. We’re just at sea, watching the storm on the horizon, hoping it does not come our way.

 

[SFX: transition. A dream. Grace is swimming]

 

GRACE_NARR: A new dream. I’m in the ocean, somewhere… warm, or at least it’s summer where I am. The Bal-ee-ar-ick Islands, maybe? I’m far out, but I can still see land. It’s peaceful.

There is a rock in the water. And sitting on it is Lennox, legs dipping into the gently lapping waves. I wait for the accompanying stab of anger at his presence, but, for some reason, it doesn’t come. Instead, I feel empty. Drained. It’s been like that lately. I feel either everything or nothing. Anger comes and goes like flickering sunlight, leaving only cold absence in its wake.

Lennox doesn’t acknowledge me as I swim towards him, instead remaining still, staring out into the endless water, brows knit. Even as I reach the rock, he remains silent. I hang onto the slick stone and wait.

GRACE: If you’re here to fight, you’re out of luck. I’m not in the mood.

LENNOX: Neither am I. Been a long time since I’ve seen the sun, at least in a way that feels… peaceful.

GRACE: And yet you do not look at peace.

LENNOX: No. No, I’m not.

GRACE: All right. You say you don’t want to fight. You have to know that I don’t want to see you. So, why are we here?

LENNOX: I don’t know, Grace.

GRACE: Oh come now-

LENNOX: No, I don’t know why I’m here. Something is wrong.

GRACE: Why do you say that?

LENNOX: [to himself] I don’t remember how the sun felt…

GRACE: What did you have to tell me? Just… say it. Now’s as good of a time as any.

LENNOX: I don’t have anything to tell you. Only that something feels wrong.

GRACE: And you came here… why?

LENNOX: I didn’t come here. I woke up here.

GRACE: There’s no need to lie to me.

LENNOX: I don’t remember how I got here.

GRACE: [a little unnerved] That’s unusual.

LENNOX: Maybe I’m here as a warning to us both.

GRACE: Maybe you miss the sun.

LENNOX: No.

GRACE: Maybe you miss me.

LENNOX: That’s not enough.

GRACE: If you are trying to play a mind game, I am too tired.

LENNOX: I’ve never been here before. Not like this.

GRACE: We went to Spain.

LENNOX: [ignoring] Not just a new day but a day fully bright and shining. Alone on a rock. Alone at sea.

GRACE: I’m right here.

LENNOX: [a little distant] You weren’t always.

GRACE: Lennox, what’s going on?

LENNOX: I don’t know. But I’d recommend you keep swimming. I just… need to think.

GRACE_NARR: The water washes over his feet and shins. He’s rolled his pant legs up. It feels so… casual and odd. And the water still soaks into the edges of the fabric clustered around the knees, though he pays it no mind. He really does not seem to have any interest in my being here, which is… confusing. I imagine I’ll spend tomorrow obsessing over whether this was some elaborate ruse to fuck with my head, but… For now, he continues to stare out at the horizon, the sun baking us both. I wait, and he says nothing else, and so… I leave him there, the water slowly working its way up the thin wool on his thighs, one shoe now bobbing away until it tips and disappears beneath the water. And when the silence stretches on too long, I start to swim back to land, until I can feel the sand beneath my feet, until I can walk in the direction of the waves, until they push me back towards land, just long enough to feel my whole body soft and warm in the afternoon sun before I awaken in familiar darkness, with no answers. Just an endless wish that whatever it is that is “wrong” does not end up on our shores.

 

[SFX: transition, dream. Ocean]

 

BEA_NARR: In the dream, I… no, Grace is swimming. She is in the ocean. This… I was dreaming about something else. Where am I? I wasn’t here before. I was in nothingness, peace and quiet. I don’t know how I got here. But… before I can do anything, the water comes out of nowhere and swallows me, the same way the sudden imagery did, and the dream ends.

 

[SFX: transition. Hollis’s office. Typing. The phone rings and they ignore it]

 

HOLLIS_NARR: The board calls, I ignore it. The work continues. Wilhelmina is trying to find me but I have been jumping from my office to the now abandoned suite to avoid her. I’m waiting for the day that she shows up here like an unruly ghoul, a scolded child, someone who knows what kind of trouble we are all in but… the work continues. I finish reports. I approve a budget. I send an email to a contractor. And the board calls and I no longer know who to talk to about it. Grace was a prisoner, Grace was a solution to a problem, Grace was an issue I didn’t want to have to keep thinking about. And she listened. And I spoke. And now I don’t know who to talk to. Questions, no answers, other than the ones I can give myself. [SFX: phone ringing] The board calls and the work continues.

 

[SFX: transition. Office. Bea walks over to Rhys]

 

RHYS_NARR: This job brings with it a lot of questions. What jobs do our clients do to afford rent? How did they get here without being noticed? Is there any sort of translation software I could use so I could understand what they are saying to me? And today, a question I did not ever expect to have: Could I eat this for breakfast? Not that I want to, I’m just wondering if I could. Entirely hypothetical, I promise.

BEA: I thought you were with a client.

RHYS: I was. It’s… on hold now, I think.

BEA: [SFX: sits down] Is… that a frog sitting on a chicken egg?

RHYS: Rooster egg, apparently.

BEA: … Rhys, I have something to tell you.

RHYS: I know, I know, I am thinking the same thing.

BEA: Even if it’s a chicken egg, I’m still wondering why.

RHYS: Client brought it in during the meeting, apparently they have to keep an eye on it.

BEA: And you were given this as a gift?

RHYS: No, they had to run out suddenly because they got word about another one of their animals. Something was trying to eat something else, sounds like, I didn’t catch who was doing the eating. I’ll assume it was a dragon. That would be cool.

BEA: Uh huh. Should I be expecting someone to come back with a puppy riding a goat?

RHYS: [ignores that] Do you know what a cockatrice is?

BEA: Yes.

RHYS: Oh good! Because I don’t, they took off before they could explain it.

BEA: Oh, uh, basically a dragon with a rooster head.

RHYS: How’s the frog involved?

BEA: I didn’t know there was a frog involved so… I don’t have a clue. [SFX: ribbit] I assume it doesn’t talk.

RHYS: The frog talketh not.

BEA: Right. This is the client with the… zoo?

RHYS: It’s an esoteric nature preserve.

BEA: [SFX: picking up a piece of paper, reading it] Just outside Mono Cliffs? Huh.

RHYS: Yeah, there’s a wide assortment of creatures there apparently. Got a basilisk, a griffin, uhhh… at least one phoenix?

BEA: Is it the same one every time?

RHYS: I guess. All I ask is that you keep me away from it. I’m a little scarred after the hotel.

BEA: Yeah, that makes sense.

RHYS: Just you tonight?

BEA: Just me.

RHYS: Grace is fine… being on her own?

BEA: I guess? I mean, I’ve been spending a lot of time there, maybe she needs a little space.

RHYS: Unable to keep your hands off each other?

BEA: Is that an assumption or did you bug the apartment?

RHYS: The hickeys make that obvious.

BEA: Oh man, they’re still that noticeable? I tried to cover them.

RHYS: Looks like she tried to eat you.

BEA: I mean, that’s not too far off what happened.

RHYS: Ok! So she’s… doing ok? Or…

BEA: She’s…

RHYS: Been through a lot.

BEA: Yeah. … You know… she was always a little closed off, now she’s put everything behind a moat. She’s very interested in fucking, though. I’m not against it, but I know at some point we’re going to have to face all the… damage.

RHYS: Did she tell you anything about… what it was like in there?

BEA: She’s told me a little. Hollis is… both a monster and also… I guess not. They’re… they suck. And they’re complicated in that suckiness. I think Grace’s past with them worked in her favour. And also it made it hard because how do you come back from that sort of betrayal?

RHYS: Not easily, I can tell you that. But for now, maybe make sure she lays off your neck for a bit. You’ve got a lot of makeup on your collar.

BEA: Shoot. Yeah. When’s the client coming back?

RHYS: Hopefully soon. I’m worried this thing is going to hatch and then I’m going to be dealing with… whatever is inside.

BEA: Cockatrice.

RHYS: Hardly know ‘er. Did that joke work?

BEA: Not really.

RHYS: Yeah, I’m not proud of that.

BEA: What did the client tell you before they left?

RHYS: That a couple of their creatures have gone missing and they are worried that they might have been taken for… nefarious reasons.

BEA: Illegal animal trade. And… [SFX: flips paper] ok, I was wondering if magic would come up.

RHYS: Yeah, lots of bits and pieces can be used for magic-related things. Spells, potions, uh… divination.

BEA: Right. I always wanted magic to be real, I guess I never considered that wizardry or whatever would involve racketeering.

RHYS: Well, when the client gets back we can talk about heading up there to check things out.

BEA: Sounds good. I could use a nice trip to the countryside.

 

[SFX: transition. Hollis’s office]

 

HOLLIS: It’s fine.

WIL: [phone] Oh, how fine is it then?!

HOLLIS: It will be fine. We have vials on hand and I’m sure at least one of the people turned-

WIL: [phone] What were you FEEDING her, Hollis?! Were you watering down the blood you were giving her? The vampires she created are WEAK and PATHETIC.

HOLLIS: They’re still fledglings!

WIL: [phone] And yet the stupid girlfriend comes in and you let her walk away? You should’ve killed her right then and there! What were you THINKING?

HOLLIS: Killing her wouldn’t help, I wanted and needed Grace to trust me enough to-

WIL: [phone] TRUST? WHY?! You and Lennox, I swear to the Darkest of Lords-

HOLLIS: It’s a complication. I can talk to her-

WIL: [phone] Yes, and I’m sure asking nicely will go incredibly well. You had your chance and you blew it, Hollis. Reckless and feckless, that’s what you are-

HOLLIS: If this is how you’re going to act then we will talk when you are less irritable–

WIL: [phone] And I have no interest in talking to you until you get your HEAD back on your SHOULDERS and act like you DESERVE to be here. I trusted you, and you were imprudent at a time when you are expected to uphold your duty to your kind! You made this mess, and for what? A night out on the town?!

HOLLIS: You have no right-

WIL: [phone] No. I don’t care what you have to say. Figure it out, or else I will find someone who will. [SFX: phone slams down]

 

[SFX: transition. Grace puttering around the office]

 

GRACE_NARR: I keep thinking about the dream with Lennox in it. He was… hard to read. And that’s never a good sign. With him, it’s usually better to know what he wants. It’s… safer. But I’m not sure he even knew what he wanted. I’ve never seen him… directionless before. I don’t know what to make of that.

Maybe he’s depressed and trying to make it my problem. Maybe he’s trying a new approach in his endless bid for my attention. But maybe… something has truly unnerved him.

And while I refuse to give a shit about the mental health of a vampire who has tortured me for centuries, if he is unnerved… I am concerned.

I have an instinct that something is actually wrong. But I swear to the goddess of creation herself, that if this is another mind game. I will figure out how to kill him. I don’t care what it takes.

I’m going to get to the bottom of this. [SFX: phone rings and rings and rings, goes to voicemail]

HOLLIS_VM: [sigh] [SFX: hang up]

GRACE_NARR: And Hollis calls again, but says nothing. Were they fully silenced by my compel? Or do they simply not know what to say? It seems that’s going around, these days. Something is breaking or broken or will break soon. I wish my biggest concern was the ghouls. I wish that was it. I wish I didn’t keep checking that my doors and windows are still capable of opening. I wish I didn’t wake with the feeling of needles underneath my skin. I wish that I didn’t worry about Bea, constantly, endlessly, to the point that I am fighting the desire to lock her up in a room, if only to protect her. But, I will be better than Hollis. And I will be better than the vampire that made me. I have to be.

And there’s the anger again. I welcome its return.

 

[SFX: transition. Small animal sanctuary]

 

RHYS_NARR: There’s a bird on a perch that looks at me, sneezes, and disappears. The space smells of animals but I am face to face with a manticore. It’s just sitting on a couch staring at me, a human face surrounded by a lion’s mane. A scorpion tail swishes back and forth. Can it talk? I’m a little afraid it can. On our way in, a large black dog with eyes that glowed followed me. Bea took a big step back from it, but I thought it was pretty cute. Who’sa good girl? Who’s a big scary girl? [SFX: deep, terrifying barking] Yes, you’re a big softy, yes you are!

BEA: Should he be petting that?

ZOOKEEPER: Ah, it’s fine, she’s only a death omen to the package delivery guys who block the driveway. You can pet her if you want.

BEA: I’m going to. Rhys-… you’ll have to get up off the floor, my friend.

RHYS: Sorry, she’s just so soft. [SFX: bark bark]

BEA: Can you show us the habitats of what’s missing?

ZOOKEEPER: Over here, these cages, just on the left…

RHYS_NARR: There’s a long, airy hallway with large caged-in areas filled with greenery, although one appears to have a fake chunk of a church tower in it and another appears to be… the inside of a convenience store? Anyway, there are a few birds here, but the place feels empty. Some cages are entirely barren. But the first thing I notice is that the birds left behind are all quite… dull. They’re definitely interesting and magical, but they are all muted browns and greys, minus the very large purple one that coughs up some sort of liquid that liquifies the perch it’s sitting on. Yuck. Maybe that one is just too dangerous to get near. Either way, it appears all the more mundane looking creatures are still here. The second thing I notice is that, in the empty cages, there isn’t a single feather left on the ground. It’s been picked clean.

ZOOKEEPER: Here’s the first one. They stole one of my strix!

RHYS: That’s a bird, right?

ZOOKEEPER: He’s an owl. Or, I mean, he looks like an owl. But he feasts on flesh and blood.

RHYS: Does that make him valuable?

ZOOKEEPER: His feathers are. They can be used for spells. And fly fishing lures, that’s been an issue as of late.

RHYS: Uh huh. [SFX: writes something down] Bea, what are the chances that you own waders?

BEA: You think it’s the local fishermen?

ZOOKEEPER: You’d be surprised by their tenacity and desire for historical accuracy. I once found one trying to reach a hand into the cage to grab a Turul’s tail. His mistake though, hope he likes casting when he’s down two fingers.

RHYS: You never heard of that guy who stole 299 bird specimens from a museum in England entirely so he could make artificial flies?

BEA: … No?

RHYS: I have a book you might like then.

BEA: You read?

RHYS: Ha ha ha, I’ve read at least a book.

ZOOKEEPER: There’s a species of fur-bearing trout in Ontario that can only be caught with specific kinds of lures.

BEA: Why am I even asking if fur-bearing trout are real, of course they are. Are the fish attracted to these specific feathers?

ZOOKEEPER: They’re not just decorative, they’re also highly mystical. They draw their prey to them, including those trying to steal them, for that matter. As to whether the fish know that, I couldn’t tell you, but they at least like the pretty colours and the swishy motions.

RHYS: Has anyone tried to take them before?

ZOOKEEPER: Other than the few enterprising individuals try to pluck a feather or two in the past, we’ve mostly just had to ban a few ne’er-do-wells from the premises, although one guy had his nose eaten when he tried, now that was a lot of paperwork…

RHYS: Do you have a list of the people who attempted to take the feather before?

BEA: And do you know what else they’d need to make these? I’m sure there’s… other items.

RHYS: Have you considered reading a book about it?

BEA: Yes, recently.

ZOOKEEPER: Yeah, a couple of the more tenacious guys are on a little blacklist we keep at the front desk, let me track that document down…

RHYS: And any security camera footage that you might have.

ZOOKEEPER: Yep, got one of those too. You wouldn’t believe the things we have to keep track of! I had a baykok who kept sneaking in, so I needed something that could see that guy, plus we’ve had an issue with shapeshifters, especially the kitsune. She’s never bit me, but my assistant, hoo boy, now that incident is why we have good medical insurance here…

 

[SFX: transition. Hollis’s office, they’re tapping their fingers on the desk, thinking]

 

HOLLIS: Lance? I want you to write this down.

LANCE: Hm?

HOLLIS: Type it. Whatever. Tap it out on your iPad in big letters if that’s easier. Look, I know the board is going to be having a lot of… thoughts moving forward. But there are things we can do to mitigate that fallout. We have blood from Grace. It can be… studied, it can be used, we can keep checking the vampires who were recently turned to see if any of them can actually turn another. She turned as many as she could, and they are…

HOLLIS_NARR: They are weak. Each one who was turned was weaker than the last. And Grace knew it, although I doubt she was doing it on purpose. And now I’m here. I made a choice and it was a mistake.

Why did I let her out?

I…

HOLLIS: [regaining composure] There are other options. I know there are, somewhere. Better ones. Ones that are less… brutal than just launching a full out attack against her. Dragging her back here by the hair like some sort of brute.

HOLLIS_NARR: Why did I trust her? Why did I let her out?

HOLLIS: [pause, sigh] It’s insane that I want to ask her advice.

LANCE: [SFX: pops earbud out, music playing] Sorry, were you saying something?

HOLLIS: Get out.

 

[SFX: transition. Grace’s living room]

 

GRACE_NARR: Bea is sitting on the couch, reading. It’s a new book, clearly bought within the last couple weeks. The spine still hasn’t even cracked on it and the Another Story Bookshop bookmark is still crisp and fresh, holding her place. I want to ask what it’s about but… there’s a part of me that does not want to think about the period of time when I wasn’t here. It wasn’t long, although it felt like forever, in a room with no windows staring at the walls. In the context of my lifespan, this is almost nothing. And yet knowing she was out here and I was in there made it feel eternal. I sleep with the windows open now, weather be damned. And I don’t want to ask what that book is about, even though I do.

BEA: You’re staring.

GRACE: Can you blame me?

BEA: [SFX: gets up, walks over, embraces her] What’s going on?

GRACE: Nothing.

BEA: Do you want to talk about-

GRACE: No.

BEA: Ok.

GRACE: Put the book down. Come with me.

BEA: Grace, I’m loving all the physical attention but…

GRACE: Yeah?

BEA: Can we just… spend some time together? Do you want to watch a movie?

GRACE_NARR: Grace, relax. Relax just a little. For one night. But I don’t want to taste anyone else’s blood anymore, at least for a while. Everything feels wrong on my tongue, curdled. She still tastes like sweet wine, but everything else has become vinegar.

GRACE: Sure, what are you thinking?

BEA: Is there anything you’d like?

GRACE: No. [pause] Unless you feel like watching Niagara? It’s a noir.

BEA: Sure, sounds fun.

GRACE_NARR: I should talk to her. But I’m not ready. And I want to indulge in a body that is not my own that I have chosen. I want to wash the last few months out of my mouth with her blood.    

 

[SFX: transition. Empty bird habitat]

 

RHYS_NARR: There were 7 birds missing from the animal care centre: A bare-fronted hoodwink, a phoenix, an oozlum, a strix, a hercinia, a chickcharney, and a goofus bird. I looked into it and each bird has multiple uses – mostly as exotic pets – but one of them was that their feathers are used for all kinds of things, y’know, magic and potion creation and all that kind of obvious stuff, but most of them, they’re used in fishing as well. There are these ancient as hell recipes for ties for fly fishing that include things like the horn feathers of a strix. I can’t imagine trying to get one off a live bird so… I hope for the best on this, but still, it would explain why the habitats were picked clean. We had a list of suspects from the zookeeper to check out. Bea went to one but it turns out that he’s been undead for the last 3 years and it’s hard to work with zombie fingers so he’s moved on to large scale knit work. One has been in Japan for the last two months and two others seemed to have alibis. The last one though… [SFX: They’re walking down a street]

RHYS: He came to the sanctuary 4 times in the last month. Said that he needed help understanding how to better care for his jackalope.

BEA: Cute.

GRACE: And not a real animal. No wonder the zookeeper didn’t like him, probably thought he was pulling his leg.

BEA: Or maybe he was just too dumb to know. He’s human, right?

RHYS: Looks like he is. He runs a small vape shop off Pape.

BEA: Is vaping still a thing?

RHYS: Hollis vapes.

GRACE: Don’t say that name.

RHYS: Sorry.

GRACE: I don’t need to be reminded of that smell…

RHYS: Uh… it’s… just over here. [SFX: stops] Open sign is off…

BEA: But the door is unlocked. [SFX: opens it slightly] Might as well check.

RHYS: Yeah. [SFX: they enter, door closes] Hello? [SFX: walking around] Well, there’s a lot of vape juice- [SFX: a bird screams] Holy shit-

GRACE: Guess we’ll take a little look to see if that’s a parrot. [SFX: walk, open another door] [SFX: bird screeches, multiple] Clearly not.

BEA: Oooh, is it bad that I think these look pretty?

RHYS_NARR: Cages with some of the birds in them. Not all of them, one of them appears to be… oh. There is a bird like an owl perched on the fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling. But its beak is covered in blood, eyes narrowed as it stares at me like I have personally insulted it. I’m probably going to have to catch it, aren’t I? And all over the desk in the middle of the room are feathers, freshly plucked, a rainbow of them spread in a neat line up across the wood. There’s a hook with a partially finished tie, and below it, a recipe…

Body, a sphinx’s hair, tied with thin gold thread. Tag, a thin claw. The body, the hackle of an oozlum, with a single duck feather at the end. Tail of braided golden thread. Wings, two chickcharney flight feathers, underneath a shovel-duck feather. Small silver head. 

He was most of the way through, but appears to have stopped. There is also a stack of envelopes. Some feathers are already in them. But… something feels wrong.

RHYS: Stinks in here-

BEA: [SFX: stops] Oh jeez-

RHYS: What, what happened-… oh my god.

GRACE: That’s…

RHYS_NARR: The guy we were looking for is very, very dead. You ever seen a human liver? I hadn’t until now. It’s very… ok, I need to look away.

BEA: Ghouls, do you think?

GRACE: Maybe… this is… violent.

RHYS: I think that’s his intestines in the ceiling light.

BEA: [nervous] Guys, I want to go-

GRACE: What’s up, Bea?

BEA: I’m not doing this again, I’m not-

GRACE: It’s ok, there… I don’t think anyone else is here-

BEA: Are you sure no one else is here?

RHYS: I think whoever did this… left. The doors heading out to the back are open. And…

RHYS_NARR: It’s so quiet here. The birds are silent, just watching us as we hover over the corpse.

BEA: He was ripped in half, whatever did this-

GRACE: Whatever did this is strong.

RHYS: This… doesn’t feel like Lennox-

GRACE: No, this… isn’t his style. It’s… it’s not even Hollis’s style. [SFX: walking around] it smells wrong in here.

BEA: What’s nagging at you?

GRACE: Something’s wrong. This place smells like… cigarettes.

RHYS: Hollis also smokes.

GRACE: Can you not-? [groans] They smoke sometimes and they’re handrolled.

RHYS: That would explain why their hands always smelled like tobacco.

GRACE: They do. It’s almost kind of nice. But this is… menthols. Hollis wouldn’t smoke menthols. Not since that time in Tennessee.

BEA: [SFX: walking around] There’s claw marks in the walls. Fingernail marks and…

RHYS: They’re trying to cover something up with the cigarette smell. Something more… uh… like a body? But like, an alive one. Not this one. I don’t think there’s any point in trying to pretend like this guy might still be alive.

BEA: Should I?

RHYS: Is it going to be too much?

BEA: [sigh] I mean, both of you are here, so if I start freaking out one of you can pin me down.

GRACE: Save it for later.

BEA: Ha ha ha. [deep breath] Ok, here goes… whatever. Ew ew ew ew I don’t want to touch him- [SFX: bingly bingly]

BEA_NARR: [shocked breath] This violence is recent and it is present, there is a man and he watches as the door of the room is ripped from its hinges, he’s grabbing at his bag and running for the window, a chair is thrown through but he’s not fast enough, clawed hands pierce his shoulders and yank him backwards, he hits the ground so hard that blood escapes from his mouth, there’s no time the creature, he’s a beast, huge and muscled and covered in hair and rotting, I can smell the rot and the ash from cigarettes in his hair and the rot and the rot and the rot and the blood, claws dig into the man’s stomach and tear him in half, still screaming, the bird screaming feathers flying and he is still screaming so loud it hurts

The creature turns around and his eyes are dead, a muzzle huge and thick with blood and saliva and-

GRACE: Bea!

BEA: [SFX: vision stops] [gasps] A wereghoul. A ghoulwolf. Whatever. [deep breath] Why are you holding me?

RHYS: Because you stumbled backwards and someone had to catch you, I was just closest.

GRACE: What did you see?

BEA: Big problems. And if it’s not Hollis behind this then… [SFX: moving around] There was a bag.

GRACE: Where? Who’s?

BEA: The man trying to run away, his… there was a bag, small, leather, a little satchel.

GRACE: A purse?

BEA: No, like a really nice fanny pack. And he was rushing for it-

RHYS: Where was it? [SFX: walking over to the back of the room]

BEA: On the table. He never got it, it just… got… tossed down here, and then-

BEA_NARR: [cuts in sharply] A rainbow of feathers is visible through the open zipper. His stomach is ripped from his body acid etching the floor while the undead creature who is killing him looks around the room, uncaring unaware of the man who feebly claws at him and then dies

BEA: [cuts back sharply] I think the wereghoul took it. I doubt it was just for the money from selling those.

RHYS: [SFX: pause, then starts digging around in backpack] Hang on…

GRACE: Rhys?

RHYS: Hang on… [SFX: pulls file out, starts flipping through] we accounted for almost all the feathers, right?

BEA: Yeah, there were two missing.

RHYS: One of them could’ve been used for a tie but the other one [SFX: still flipping through], there would be no point, it’s the phoenix feather, it’s too volatile! It doesn’t like to be jarred around like that, it would just burst into flame at some point!

GRACE: Phoenix feathers are rare and expensive and… very magical.

BEA: Yeah, this is used for… Rhys, can I see that? Thank you… [SFX: flipping pages] Ah. Uh… I mean, it’s magic, so spells, that makes sense.

RHYS: Dollars to doughnuts that they were in there.

BEA: A good hunch…

GRACE: There’s plenty of uses for those… but…

RHYS: Anything in mind?

GRACE: … their main usage is rebirth.

BEA: Did you go to school for necromancy?

GRACE: You live long enough and you either learn a lot of useful things or just become very up to date on pop culture.

RHYS: We’ve already got ghouls, what more could they want to bring about?

GRACE: [long pause] I don’t know. This is new, at least to me. But someone has to know what they’re looking to do.

 

[SFX: transition. Wilhelmina’s home office. She’s pacing and stops, someone is typing on a typewriter]

 

WIL: Malvolio? Take a memo. [SFX: typewriter typing underneath] To the members of the board, esteemed shareholders, and ancients, we would like to table a motion to bring disciplinary action upon Hollis Udell for their dereliction of duty when faced with a simple decision: One to allow the entity within our care to walk free when she could not be trusted. I would say to you, O caretakers of our kind, that we should not allow such sloppiness to go without proper actions being taken in response. Please see appendix C, for it shall contain the series of actions I would like to push for us to pursue. Thank you for your time. And then sign it and put my wax seal on it, I’m sure there’s a crow upstairs that can take it to our lawyers for preview. [SFX: dialling a cell] You know, it would be a lot easier if I could actually speak to them. Then I could warn them. [SFX: voice mail message, hang up] But alas! It appears I have… so few choices at hand.

 

[SFX: transition. Car while driving downtown]

 

GRACE: Have you had anyone approach you about phoenix feathers?

THE MAESTRO: [carplay] There was an email to one of my assistants, yes, but I thought it was another grad student.

GRACE: And did you answer?

THE MAESTRO: As if I would ever deny a student knowledge!

GRACE: Great. Just great.

THE MAESTRO: Is someone looking to bring back the dead?

BEA: We’re already dealing with the dead, The Maestro! The fucking ghouls!

RHYS: And the big werewolf one.

THE MAESTRO: [carplay] I was afraid of that, although…

GRACE: Although what?

THE MAESTRO: [carplay] I thought he was still… roaming.

BEA: You never tracked him down?!

THE MAESTRO: [carplay] I tried! But after he ate one of my assistants I was hoping to find a less… dangerous method. He’s very effective. He… he attacked several other werewolves while still free.

BEA: Someone hired him, then.

GRACE: I cannot believe that, of all people, you carelessly ghouled this city. If you had skin I’d have you flayed!

THE MAESTRO: [carplay] Please do not speak of our past dalliances like that-

BEA: Gross! Anyway, who was he?

THE MAESTRO: [carplay] I don’t know. I…

BEA: Vampires have been attacked, as have werewolves, but-

THE MAESTRO: Random attacks! Some of the ghouls were more feral than I thought they’d been when they got… free.

GRACE: The Maestro, they attacked people.

THE MAESTRO: I had been afraid of that. But I could never be sure-

GRACE: Reckless! Foolish and reckless behaviour.

THE MAESTRO: I tried to find him!

GRACE: And you did a TERRIBLE JOB-

RHYS: Do you know where he is now?

THE MAESTRO: I will be sending out another one of my assistants-

BEA: A good one, please!

THE MAESTRO: I’ve sent them out with a tracking device, if they can find him then they can at the very least mark him-

GRACE: Why do I get the feeling that then it will become our problem?

THE MAESTRO: My dearest, I will try to avoid that at all costs-

GRACE: Please do! [SFX: stops the car] I will talk to you later.

THE MAESTRO: Let me just apologize once more- [SFX: she hangs up]

RHYS: Oh good, Hollis isn’t the only one who does that.

 

[SFX: transition. ???? SOMEWHERE ALEX THINK OF LOCATION, birds are flying around]

 

GRACE: You got them all?

ZOOKEEPER: Yes, although the strix was looking a little sluggish.

RHYS: I think they ate some of that guy.

ZOOKEEPER: I was worried about that. Ronald was an unpleasant character, though.

GRACE: Some of them looked like they’d been plucked clean in spots. Will the feathers grow back?

ZOOKEEPER: They should, although I can’t believe he got that many feathers without losing an eye.

RHYS: I like the goofus bird. [SFX: squawk] Hey, new friend! There is a lot of blood on some of the beaks. Not the strix, though.

BEA: I wouldn’t attempt getting feathers off her…

ZOOKEEPER: I’m going to be hunting for those feathers, too many illegal uses out there, don’t want this to become a thing that happens more than once. What if they had been killed? They live here because I’m trying to preserve their dwindling numbers, and I can’t imagine wanting to hurt such splendid beings.

RHYS_NARR: The strix sits at the top of its habitat, staring at… actually, not me this time. It is watching Grace. And Bea. Back and forth, back and forth. There is still blood crusted in its feathers, but the zookeeper makes no effort to get too close, at least not right now. It does not seem to mind the gore in its wings.

BEA: Do you have any idea what someone could use phoenix feathers for?

ZOOKEEPER: Other than playing fast and loose with having your whole collection go up and smoke? It’s meant to be used for anything involving rebirth! Obvious spell component, but incredibly volatile. Also, VERY powerful. Anyone who has one doesn’t have long to use it.

RHYS: Unsurprising.

ZOOKEEPER: It’s powerful, but in a very interesting way! It’s not the kind of item you use if you just want to bring back, say, your dead hamster. The spell would be too much, the power of it would destroy whatever you were trying to use it on. A human… maybe? But it’s so unpredictable. Powerful ingredients are for powerful spells. That’s part of the reason why I’ve never really worried about it before, if someone was going to grab the phoenix, then they are doing something quite big. Hopefully that’s not the issue, hah! You’ll likely just find someone smeared across a wall beside a small smoking pot or something along those lines.

GRACE: Yeah…

BEA: Grace?

GRACE: I… I need to go home. There are some books I want to look through.

BEA: Oh, yeah, we can go to yours tonight. Like your house-house, right?

GRACE: Yes.

BEA: Ok. We just have a few more questions for you and then we’ll be on our way, if you don’t mind…

 

[SFX: transition. Emiel basement]

 

WIL: [SFX: walking, stops, knocks on a window] Hello? Anyone there?

LUCRITIA: Yes? What bringeth you here?

WIL: I would like to have access to the catacombs.

LUCRITIA: Uh huh. Purpose?

WIL: Oh, just a little look around, wanted to check in on a few things, see how the dust was collecting.

LUCRITIA: An actual purpose, please.

WIL: As a member of the board-

LUCRITIA: Immaterial! You need one for the form.

WIL: Sorry, Luctritia, is that your name? Lovely name.

LUCRITIA: We’ve worked together for 274 years.

WIL: Yes, but there’s so many names and so many faces, you can’t expect everyone to keep track of all of them.

LUCRITIA: Wilhelmina, state your purpose or let me get back to my lunch.

WIL: [SFX: tapping fingernails] I would like to pay my respects to the elders.

LUCRITIA: Been a long time since anyone has done that.

WIL: Yes, well, might be worth making a few pleas to them. Things have been… difficult lately.

LUCRITIA: [pause, mulling it over] I can give you a little time. But stay away from the magical swords! The collection is very temperamental these days.

WIL: Thank you so much. [SFX: a heavy door opens, Wil starts walking and then stops] I know this is a little uncouth, but I think I want to start taking more time down here. Is there any chance I could… get my hands on a key?

LUCRITIA: Maybe. I… I’d have to see.

WIL: Don’t worry too much about it, dear. I’m sure it’ll be no problem at all. [SFX: whispers on the air] 

 

[SFX: transition. Hollis’s office, silent, in the dark. A phone rings and no one answers it. Hollis leans back in their chair]

 

HOLLIS_NARR: I have blown up my life.

The board calls and I ignore it. I call Grace and she ignores it. And I am still here in my office. It feels like… a coffin, really. Appropriate. I am going to suffocate here. And yet I continue working because… what else would I do? There might still be time to fix things. To do it my way. But, I miscalculated, and that has… left me with questions.I would rather cast myself into the sun than admit this, but I want to talk to someone. I want advice. I want a confidant. A lifetime ago, that was Grace. Even after she left, it felt… temporary. But this time it feels final. And I am alone.

The board will kill me for this perceived weakness. Not literally, but definitely figuratively. I offered Grace a lifeline because I needed her. Not how Lennox does and not how Bea does, but as someone strategically valuable who… I didn’t trust exactly, but as someone I thought I understood. The devil I knew well enough to bet on. I’m questioning that now, because I thought that she would stay out of fear. Or maybe, if I’m being really honest, I thought she would stay out of loyalty. We were something to each other once, when we were young and angry and naive. But we’re not young anymore. I let myself forget that, and it cost me.

 

Do I care about the fate of the vampire race? I don’t know. Yes? No? Either way, I will continue the work, because that’s all I can do right now. Prove myself in another way until everything collapses around me. And before the board has my head I will jump somewhere else, anywhere else I can think of, and fight another day. But for now… I’m waiting to see what will happen. And if Grace will pick up the damn phone. And if anyone will answer the questions that fill me until I am afraid that I will burst.

I woke up tonight to a broken mirror on my wall. A symbolic accident that I’m choosing to ignore. I don’t know why it broke. It just did, and now… [SFX: phone rings] I am not strong enough to answer that. But I’m strong enough to finish what I started.

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Alex Nursall as Bea
Emily Kellogg as Grace
Ian Boddy as Rhys
J Strautman as Hollis
Rob Deobald as Lennox
Adil Lahkani as The Maestro
Kat Letwin as Wilhelmina
Alex Guthrie as the Zookeeper
Rach Shelkey as Lucritia
and Shaun Oldfield as Lance

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Emily Kellogg and Alex Nursall
Showrunning and direction by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm