Woodbine

Summary

Beatrice Ashe is having an incredibly average day, up until the part where she is brutally stabbed to death. Well, near death. Some people have bosses who meddle in their work, some have bosses who are little too quick to act, and some have bosses who will bring you back from the precipice of annihilation by turning you into a vampire. Now, Bea has some new problems, only one of which is the mystery around who did this to her and why.

Content Warnings: violence, blood, death

Transcript

[SFX: theme music plays, narration starts underneath. Transition into a quiet office space]

BEA_NARRATION: It was an unusually warm September day when it happened. I was at work, typing up some notes my coworker had left for me to transcribe. Grace, Grace Hawthorne. Nice lady, bit of an old soul, but we get along. We’re friends. She’s the main detective here at the agency. I mean, she’s the only detective. I’m just an assistant. Mostly I take notes, call clients, whatever is needed. But I join her out in the field sometimes, helping with cases, digging around. I hope I have the chops to actually move up the ladder here. Well, not much of a ladder. Step stool, perhaps. It’s a small workplace. Woodbine Agency, located just near Woodbine subway station. Not the most creative name but hey, I didn’t pick it. A tiny detective agency with tiny cases, stuff too small for anyone major to care about but too big for one person to handle. It’s not bad. Good benefits. Dental. Have to admit, I’d been hoping for a promotion. Grace had definitely been… taking more of an interest in me, as of late, but… none of this is important right now. As for me, my name is Beatrice Ashe, but everyone who knows me well calls me Bea. I like it, Bea, it sounds… bouncy. Bright. Sweet. All the things I feel like I’m not. Now, people who’ve just met me call me Beatrice, and it makes me feel like I’m still in school, the teacher’s voice barking it out across the classroom, the kids making jokes about it, and young me wishing my parents gave me a cool, contemporary name like Kayla, or Ashleigh, or Misty. But no, Beatrice. An old lady name. Grace likes it, never understood why. But yeah, that’s what I get called by people who barely know me. As for people who don’t know me at all, well, they don’t call me anything. For example, the guy who walked into the office a few minutes ago and started stabbing me, he didn’t even look at the nameplate on the desk. He just got to work. And, well, here I am. 

[SFX: the audio transitions harshly and there’s strained, panicked breathing of someone choking on their own blood. There’s a fumbling sound, like someone is trying to pull themselves up. They fail, and the sound of items on a desk – books, pens, a mouse, a phone – clattering to the ground can be heard]

GRACE: Oh, oh no, [SFX: she runs over] oh no, oh my god-… ok, ok, I’m going to… uh… Bea? Honey? I need you to stay with me, ok? Ok?

BEA: Grace, help me, I’m gonna die oh my god oh god oh god–

GRACE: No, you’re not doing that, I’m not going to let that happen. We will get you out of here, we’ll get these wounds stitched up-

BEA: I don’t think you have much choice in the matter.

GRACE: We’ll… I’ll call for help, I’ll get an ambulance, they can… there’s so much blood, Bea.

BEA: All my blood inside me, that’s all I want. Oh my god oh god oh god help please help

GRACE: It’s… it’s a lot… [SFX: the audio begins to fade out, then comes back in again] No, I won’t let you die. Ok, where’s your phone? Uh… oh, no, it’s been smashed…

BEA: I’m going to die. I’m going to die. Please, please don’t let me die. 

GRACE: I told you, that won’t happen! 

BEA: I’m cold, I’m cold. 

GRACE: I… your pulse is so weak, Bea. Ok, uh… fuck, I could go get my phone… but [SFX: the audio starts to feel heavy, like everything is waterlogged – Bea’s fading] I don’t think they can help.

BEA: Please, anything…

GRACE: Bea, my sweet Bea. I’m… going to make a choice. For the both of us. 

BEA: What?

GRACE: It’s not your time.

BEA: who says you get to pick that

GRACE: Good question. What kind of god would let this happen to you? 

BEA: dunno

GRACE: What kind of god would cause such pain?

BEA: [coughing]

GRACE: What kind of devil will allow me to help you?

BEA: hmm? … I’m sorry, grace

GRACE: Shh, don’t be sorry, what do you have to be sorry for?

BEA: all this, it’s gonna be a mess to clean up, and I won’t be here for it [weak laugh] I don’t want to die

GRACE: [SFX: picks up a knife] Is this what was used to stab you?

BEA: yeah

GRACE: I’m helping, don’t worry, shhh. I’m the one who’s sorry, Bea. 

BEA: hm   ?

GRACE: It’s not your time to go, ok? We’ll figure this out, together.

BEA: [soft, weak breathing]

GRACE: Are you ready? 

BEA: hmm  ?

GRACE: I am, and I’ll explain everything after. This will feel… disorienting. [SFX: everything starts to sound gauzy] You look so beautiful, Bea. 

[SFX: the sound of a heartbeat growing faster and faster and louder and harsher. There’s a ringing noise growing in the background. We’re in a dreamscape]

LENNOX: Do not make this mistake again, Grace. It is difficult for me to watch you fail.

[SFX: The haze starts to fade away and the dream fades. The sound of a quiet bedroom takes over. Bea sits up suddenly]

BEA: [SFX: she starts to freak out. Everything hurts. She gets up and takes a step on the creaky wooden floor but it hurts] Ah! [there’s a pain in her side, and she collapses back down on the bed]

GRACE: [SFX: entering] Bea?

BEA: Don’t! Don’t come any closer.

GRACE: Alright.

BEA: You tell me what happened. Where am I and what the FUCK happened, and… [SFX: her energy drops as the pain settles in again]

GRACE: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re fully healed yet. It’s only been a few hours.

BEA: Where are we? 

GRACE: You’re at my house.

BEA: I’m… what? Why’d you bring me here? Shouldn’t I be in a hospital or something?

GRACE: A hospital wouldn’t help. 

BEA: What does that mean? How… how am I even conscious right now? Or alive, for that matter? Last time I looked, most of my blood was in a big puddle outside my body, ruining the office floor! 

GRACE: That hardwood will never be the same, unfortunately. What a shame. It was original, you know. 

BEA: I don’t think that’s the issue right now. What the hell is going on? Why are we here?

GRACE: I needed to get you somewhere safe. 

BEA: Did you call the police? An ambulance? An Uber?

GRACE: Cops are useless, an ambulance would never have arrived in time, and I would’ve ruined my 5-star rating on Uber if I had tried to load your bloody form into the back of some random man’s Kia Sportage.

BEA: … Ok? So you brought me here to… stitch me up?

GRACE: In a sense. 

BEA: In a sense? [SFX: pulling at clothes] What, did you hot glue me back together-

GRACE: Bea, we need to talk-

BEA: What the… [SFX: pulling at clothes] what… No, I was stabbed, I was stabbed a lot, look at my shirt, my shirt is a mess but there’s no open wounds-

GRACE: I have some things I should explain-

BEA: Yeah, you think?! Grace, what the hell is going on? What is this? Am I hallucinating? Am I dead?? How long have I been out?

GRACE: Just… calm down and I-

BEA: How the shit am I supposed to calm down?! [SFX: she throws a pillow and something breaks] What did you do?

GRACE: It’s a complicated thing-

BEA: I don’t have the patience right now for complications, Grace! Did you scoop my blood up and put it back inside me? I don’t think that’s how it works! [SFX: slumps back, exhausted]

GRACE: Would you describe yourself as someone with an open mind?

BEA: WHAT? I’m going to start throwing more stuff if you don’t give me a straight answer!

GRACE: If it’ll make you feel better, at least aim for the vase on the table over there. I’ve never cared for it. 

BEA: Oh my god, ok! Let me get on your level right now: Are you some sort of… necromancer? Witch? A weird cultist with a… patron, or whatever? 

GRACE: No, I’ve been approached before, but it’s not my style. Cultists are too hot-headed. I did have a stint as a priestess of a worm goddess… There was this woman, she was so gorgeous when she was zealous, who got me into it- ah, I’ll save that story for another time. 

BEA: What is going on?

GRACE: This might take a little time to explain-

BEA: Make it QUICK.

GRACE: There is a lot of information that I’m going to need to get through before I get to the crux of the issue-

BEA: Tell me now!

GRACE: I’m a VAMPIRE, Bea.

BEA: I understand the words that you just said. They are words that make sense in my head. I comprehend them. It’s just that they are words that don’t make any sense in the context of real life. So, I’m going to ask you to calmly repeat to me what you just said, ok?

GRACE: Yes.

BEA: Alright. Please repeat what you just said.

GRACE: I am a vampire.

BEA: What? 

GRACE: A vampire. You know, a mythological undead creature said to feed on the blood of the living? A nosferatu. A creature of the night. A bloodsucker.

BEA: I know what a vampire is. 

GRACE: Oh. Well… good. 

BEA: I am aware of the concept and the mythology. I’ve seen Buffy. I skimmed Twilight. And I’m glad for you, whatever that means, but I’m not really sure how this applies to what’s happening here, because I’m not-… Oh, no, Grace, you didn’t.

GRACE: I’m sorry, I… it was all I could do! There were no other options!

BEA: Are you SHITTING me? [SFX: hurls another pillow, breaks the ugly vase]

GRACE: Believe me, this is not a thing that I would shit you about.

BEA: Alright, you know what? I’m done, I’m not putting up with this. [SFX: she gets up and stomps over to the window and rips open the curtains. The morning sunlight stings and she lets out a pained cry] 

GRACE: [SFX: she quickly closes the curtains] Stop! If you’re trying to dramatically immolate yourself it’s not going to work.

BEA: Ok! Ok. Fine. God, that stings. Oh my god, I can’t go in the sun now?

GRACE: Yes and no, if you’ll just let me explain.

BEA: No, this isn’t real. [SFX: she touches sunlight again and pulls back in pain] I… Why aren’t there any stab wounds? I don’t understand what happened to me.

GRACE: You were stabbed, and… you were dying, and I… couldn’t stand there and watch you shake off this mortal coil. So… I did the only thing I could do. And, because of that… because of what I did… You have… changed… you may have noticed that one of the changes allows you to heal quite quickly. You’re still going to be a little sore-

BEA: I’ve noticed.

GRACE: But you’re alive. Well, sort of. Not technically, I suppose. But you still exist. 

BEA: Grace… why?

GRACE: I couldn’t let you die and I… made a choice. 

BEA_NARRATION: I want to say that my head is throbbing, that my eyes burn, that I feel a shiver running through me but… I don’t. Just this endless numbness that is settling across my skin like lukewarm water.

BEA: Am I still me?

GRACE: Yes, but… different. Look, there’s so much to tell you, but it’s not all bad. There are things about the Change you might enjoy! It does… come with benefits. Things will become clearer over time.

BEA: This feels like… this is fucking bullshit, you’re lying to me! 

GRACE: I know it’s a lot to take in. I remember the Change. I went through it too. It’s overwhelming, but it can also be exhilarating! Like the first kiss of a new lover. Or Burning man. 

BEA: I think… I… I… [sniffs] What is that smell? 

GRACE: Oh. [SFX: takes out a container of blood and sets it on the nightstand] You’ll be hungry. I brought you something. 

BEA: Is that blood!?

GRACE: Ethically sourced, I promise! It’s AB positive. Quite… earthy.

BEA: I’m not touching that. 

GRACE: You’re going to need to eat. The hunger will come sooner than you think. 

BEA: No. No, I-… just… just… just leave me alone for a bit.

GRACE: Are you sure?

BEA: Yes. 

GRACE: Ok. Just don’t open that curtain again.

BEA: Don’t tell me what to do.

GRACE: Believe me, I have no desire to be… your keeper. But I do have a responsibility to protect you from yourself. At least, until you understand how this works. Bea, please trust me, I had to learn these things the hard way- [SFX: Bea walks over and rips open the curtain again and cries out in pain]

BEA: This is fucking real.

GRACE: Yes. 

BEA: What am I supposed to do now?

GRACE: I can help, I owe you that much.

BEA: You can help? You got me into this mess!

GRACE: I wasn’t the one who stabbed you, I wasn’t trying to hurt you. 

BEA: You did this to me. You turned me into this. You made this choice for me! [SFX: she slaps the wall] Get out. 

GRACE: [sighs] I’m sorry, Bea. I’m going to give you some space. Please, if you are feeling hunger, I urge you to consider eating. [SFX: she walks away and a door closes, Bea waits for a moment and then chucks the blood at the wall]

BEA_NARRATION: What do you say to someone who’s told you something unbelievable? What do you do when your world – the one where this stuff just doesn’t exist – ends and is suddenly replaced with a world that no longer makes sense? I don’t want to exist in this new reality. But it doesn’t feel like it matters what I want, anymore… I walk over to the window, and if I place my arm in the sunlight, it feels like someone snapping a hundred elastics across my skin. I’m not going to die doing this, I don’t think, but… [you hear her go ‘ow’ as she pulls her arm back] fuck. Everything feels too loud, too weird. Thick and hazy like I’m looking through sleet and listening through thunder. My body hurts, but not enough. I was dying. A few hours ago I was dying but there’s no trace of the wounds and the pain feels like a distant memory. I’ve checked my phone. It’s late afternoon. This morning I came to work, I did a little admin, I was stabbed 27 times, and now… I’m… I can’t say it yet. But I have changed. I know in my heart I have. I can feel it. 

But I’m still breathing. Why am I still breathing? And I’m hungry. It feels like normal hunger, but also, it doesn’t. It’s like hunger was mixed in a blender with desire and lust and I just… want something. But I can’t… I can’t and I won’t. I will not be ravenous. I am not a monster. 

I just want to know why this is happening. And I want to know why she did this to me. 

[SFX: she gets up and walks away towards the bathroom. The footsteps transition into the tap of a pen on a table. We are in a nice kitchen in a nice house, quiet and warm and soft]

ALDEN: Still haven’t heard back from Grace?

AURELIUS: No. Have you had any luck?

ALDEN: I tried again. No response.

AURELIUS: How serious of a situation do you think this is?

ALDEN: When was the last time you got a panicked voicemail from her, Aurelius? 1999?

AURELIUS: Yes, when she got those chunky highlights.

ALDEN: A terrible decision, yes, but the tenor of this call… I don’t think my concern is unfounded. She said she made some choices and it all feels… out of character. [sighs] What do you think has her so worked up? Reassure me, before my brain takes me down a terrible path. What do you think happened?

AURELIUS: [thinking] She killed her latest meal.

ALDEN: Hasn’t done that in decades.

AURELIUS: She’s gone vegan.

ALDEN: Do you honestly think she would want to relive that short-lived phase?

AURELIUS: Perhaps she burned the office down. By accident or by design. She has been talking to me about updating the interior.

ALDEN: She would’ve just told us.

AURELIUS: And leave a paper trail? Let a woman commit a little insurance fraud as a treat, Alden.

ALDEN: Right now, I hope it’s something as ridiculous as that.

AURELIUS: May I offer an unlikely option?

ALDEN: You may.

AURELIUS: Perhaps she turned someone.

ALDEN: Grace has never, not once since we’ve known, even considered… Do you really think she could?

AURELIUS: That isn’t something she would do without a very good reason.

ALDEN: Who would she even consider turning?

AURELIUS: She’s turned people since we’ve met her.

ALDEN: She most certainly has not.

AURELIUS: What about that one lover of hers, what was his name… George? Gordon? 

ALDEN: What, the poet? I would’ve eaten him before ever letting him become even halfway immortal. Imagine being stuck with that blowhard.

AURELIUS: He wasn’t that bad.

ALDEN: He said her hair was made of water and her teeth looked like moonlight, and then he wrote a sestina comparing her to a hangover. He can go to hell.

AURELIUS: Fussy.

ALDEN: No, I have taste. Grace is fussy.

AURELIUS: She never turned her ex-girlfriend, right? 

ALDEN: Which one? 

AURELIUS: The really friendly one with the big curly hair, back around… ‘93?

ALDEN: No, and I liked Rhonda. Didn’t she die? Is that who I’m thinking of?

AURELIUS: Yes. Car crash, I think.

ALDEN: Right. Tragic. I remember seeing the obituary. Grace… actually, I don’t think she ever spoke about her again.

AURELIUS: She did send a floral arrangement when she heard about the funeral. White roses, I remember helping her pick them out. So who would she turn now? She hasn’t been with anyone in ages.

ALDEN: She’s spoken highly of the woman she works with.

AURELIUS: The coworker? I guess.

ALDEN: She blushes when she brings her up.

AURELIUS: No.

ALDEN: Have you been paying attention? Yes!

AURELIUS: I should get new glasses.

ALDEN: She’s sweet on her, at least a little.

AURELIUS: Can’t trust a vampire with emotions.

ALDEN: Don’t play on old tropes. I’m just saying, something has happened. Grace is in a tizzy. That call made my hair stand on end.

AURELIUS: Well, now you’re making me nervous.

ALDEN: Sorry.

AURELIUS: It’s alright. Let’s just… try calling her again. I want to know what’s happening.

[SFX: He starts to dial and it transitions out into the sound of a phone ringing. Bea walks into the kitchen of Grace’s house as Grace’s phone starts to ring, but she silences it]

BEA: Is there some sort of on-boarding for this?

GRACE: I don’t have a Powerpoint presentation readied if that’s what you mean. [SFX: pulls chair out, sits down] What do you want to know?

BEA: What a hilariously huge question. I still barely believe you that any of this has happened, but, y’know, there’s a lot I’d like to know more about. 

GRACE: Well, we have a lot of time. An eternity, one could say. 

BEA: Oh, I can’t handle the thought of that right now. Alright. Let’s start small. God, this feels stupid.

GRACE: You’ll adjust. 

BEA: Vampires have lore. There are rules.

GRACE: Everything’s got rules.

BEA: Yeah, but it’s things like… uh… ok, sunlight… hurts, but it doesn’t make me turn to ash. Not immediately, anyways. 

GRACE: No, but you’ll want to wear long sleeves if you’re going out during the day. And a hat. Ooh, you know, I have some wonderful hats you can borrow!

BEA: I’m not really a hat person.

GRACE: Said like someone who’s never been to a milliner. 

BEA: I’m not even entirely sure what that is.

GRACE: I know a wonderful one. I’ll send her a text! You’ll love her. Besides, I think you’d look incredible in something a little slouchy. 

BEA: Grace, come on.

GRACE: It would clearly match your attitude.

BEA: Fine! Fine. We’ll go… hat… making. 

GRACE: You don’t make the hat, she does.

BEA: Enough about hats!

GRACE: Said like someone who’s never owned a well-made cloche. 

BEA: Whatever. Uh… crosses? 

GRACE: Tacky in many contexts, but not otherwise an issue. 

BEA: Silver?

GRACE: That’s werewolves. 

BEA: It’s both.

GRACE: Regardless, not an issue. Which is good for me, because I’ve never liked how gold looks against my skin tone. 

BEA: Ok, uh… Are there plants I can’t be around? I assume garlic is fine.

GRACE: Uh… 

BEA: Seriously?

GRACE: It won’t kill you, but it will make you sick. Sorry.

BEA: This is the second worst news I’ve gotten today.

GRACE: It’s not like you’ll need food to live.

BEA: Yeah, but I enjoy it! I like to cook!

GRACE: Maybe replace it with onions?

BEA: Ok, uh… I don’t know. Like I assume a stake through the heart or beheading can kill me, but that kills anything so… not really a huge leap.

GRACE: Yeah. Oh, beware of oleander. 

BEA: Like, the plant?

GRACE: Yes. It can cause… symptoms.

BEA: Ok, what are we talking here? Are we talking mild headache, rash, bleeding out the eyeballs?

GRACE: It’s poisonous to regular humans, but for us… dizziness, weakness, it’ll make you feel… drunk, but bad drunk.

BEA: Can I still get drunk?

GRACE: If you drink enough, you can for a short bit, but it wears off quite quickly.

BEA: Not bad.

GRACE: Oh, and you have to be invited in.

BEA: I’m sorry, what now?

GRACE: You can’t enter a space that’s claimed without an invitation. 

BEA: Is that why you always had me head into a house first?

GRACE: Yes. You adapt. You learn.

BEA: … How old are you?

GRACE: Actually?

BEA: No, theoretically. Tell me as if this is some sort of age double-slit experiment.

GRACE: Let’s just say, I’ve lived lifetimes.

BEA: Oh, alright, cool. You’ll have to give me your skincare tips.

GRACE: Oh, lots of water, a retinol, being undead, Vaseline over moisturizer every night.

BEA: Wonderful.

GRACE: Look, there’s lots to take in. I don’t want you to feel too overwhelmed right off the bat. Hah! Bat. 

BEA: Right, like a vampire.

GRACE: No, like this. [SFX: suddenly she becomes a whole bunch of bats that fly around the room. Bea panics and dives under the table. Then she becomes whole again]

BEA: [SFX: tentatively coming out from under the table] Please tell me that I don’t need to get a rabies shot to hang around you.

GRACE: Even if I could give you rabies, you wouldn’t die from it. I don’t think.

BEA: You don’t think?

GRACE: Never tried. Oh, and don’t worry about shapeshifting just yet, that takes a bit of practice. I’m sure you’ll be fine though, you’re a quick learner. 

BEA: Uh… so am I… immortal?

GRACE: In the sense that you’re not going to die of old age? Yes.

BEA: That’s… no, I don’t want to go into this more right now, that’s too much to wrap my head around at this moment. I don’t want to think about it.

GRACE: Shhh, it’s ok. It just takes time. It’ll make sense eventually.

BEA: Grace… why? People die every day. Why couldn’t you just have called for help?

GRACE: Because… it would never have gotten here in time. And I didn’t think this was the way you should go, bleeding out on the office floor. I wanted better for you. And I thought that… this would at least give you time. 

BEA: Fine. Fine. I’ll put a pin in it and I’ll… am I going to never be able to enjoy the sun again?

GRACE: [SFX: pulls up the chair closer to her] I can’t begin to describe what moonlight will feel like on your skin. Once you’re settled, we can… go for a walk. You’ve healed, but you had… many wounds. And I know you look the same, but your body has changed. For a while… you won’t know your own strength. You might feel like a puppy growing into oversized paws. 

BEA: Don’t patronize me. 

GRACE: That was a poor choice of words. But the fact remains: you are in the process of becoming something. That comes with growing pains. Speaking of… did you eat? You will need to eat. 

BEA: What if I don’t? What if I just want to lie down on the floor and die like I was supposed to. 

GRACE: You can do whatever you want. Lie there. Ossify. But I will say this to you now, it is not as bad as you think it will be. Difficult. A challenge, at first. But not as hard as you think it will be. Your mind will push against it. Your body, though, it will crave. Eventually, your mind will come to meet it as well. You can either fight it or accept it. Fighting it… noble, maybe, in a foolish way. It will hurt, though. It will feel like your skin is being peeled from your body, but you won’t die, you will just suffer. You can choose that, Bea. I can’t stop you. I can’t recommend it, though. 

BEA: … do you have someone you bleed when you’re feeling peckish in your basement? 

GRACE: Things have changed in the last century. No one needs to die so we can feed. No one even needs to suffer. Here, I can bring you another blood bag-

BEA: Don’t. 

GRACE: You need to eat. 

BEA: If you don’t want to be my keeper, stop telling me what to do. 

GRACE: I’m just trying to-… Fine. Eat or don’t. Do as you like. Just… please don’t get it on the wallpaper again. 

BEA: Right. 

BEA_NARRATION: My stomach gnaws at me. It radiates through my body and I can’t bring myself to look at the bag on the table. It just makes me ravenous. 

BEA: Ok. Grace, I…  I feel like I should say thank you or something for what you did, but… I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m there yet. I’m not… I’m mad, but I know my other option was to just die so… I understand why you did this, and somewhere deep down… I think, if I was in the same position, I probably would’ve done the same thing, so-

GRACE: Thank you. For saying that. We’ll get through this, Bea. I promise. We’re going to find the person that tried to kill you. [SFX: a shimmer]

BEA: This is going to sound really weird, but… your touch feels… different.

GRACE: Oh. Oh, of course it does. Can I ask what it feels like? [SFX: she’s strokes Bea’s cheek] 

BEA: There’s a sort of light buzz, it’s like putting your hand into a tub of ball bearings. 

GRACE: Interesting.

BEA: The experience?

GRACE: Your description.

BEA: It’s hard to explain. 

GRACE: You’ll learn that if you touch a regular human, they’ll feel all kinds of fun things. But when a vampire touches another vampire, it’s… a whole other experience.

BEA: It’s a nice feeling. [SFX: she shifts away] So what, do we… go back to the office, look around?

GRACE: Hmm, well, the sun will be going down shortly. Are you sure you’re up to it? You still haven’t eaten, you might be feeling faint-

BEA: [SFX: sighs, runs hands through hair] Ok. I want to go back to the office. 

GRACE: Are you sure?

BEA: Yes. I need to see where it happened.

[SFX: Bea gets up and starts to walk and this transitions into them  at the office]

BEA_NARRATION: We return to the office to see if we can find any hints of who did this at the scene of the… crime. It’s weird to call it that. Not that it isn’t, but that this thing happened to me and I am the victim and this is a thing that has to be solved. As we walk in, I’m suddenly hit by a wall of fear. I knew I would feel trepidation coming back, but walking back in, I am overwhelmed by the smell of blood – my blood – in the air. It’s disgusting. It’s horrifying. It’s beautiful. That feeling makes my stomach lurch, although I can’t tell if it’s because I’m revolted or if it’s because I’m starving, god I’m starving. But that’s immediately replaced again by the fear. The energy in the room still shimmers like a too hot day, harsh and unforgiving. It’s all… very fresh, like walking in after an explosion, the sound gone but the dust still thick in the air. 

BEA: Oh my god.

GRACE: I think this floor will need refinishing.

BEA_NARRATION: She was right. I wouldn’t have survived.

BEA: Are you just going to call a guy and be like, “Sorry, I was slaughtering a deer in here and it got away from me”?

GRACE: What, do you think I’m the only vampire in Toronto? But don’t worry, I have a guy for this. Actually, I should have someone in tomorrow if Chris is available. 

BEA: Do you ruin floors often?

GRACE: No, but I have a network of people who will do the things that need to be done. Discretion pays well. 

BEA: Make sense. Ok, so… Here’s where I was. [SFX: walks over and stops] I… I clearly had moved from the desk.

BEA_NARRATION: The mental image of what happened feels blurry, even though it was so recent. The adrenaline and pain form a film over everything, and all I can remember are the most random pieces: the sound of my strained breathing, the creaking of the wooden floors beneath us, the smell of cologne – thick and cloying, heavy on his skin.

BEA: I… I heard the door open. A man stood in the doorway. I didn’t recognize him. 

GRACE: And you’re sure it was a man?
BEA: Yes. Yeah, he was tall. He had on a coat and… a medical mask on his face. And he was also… he was wearing a scarf, too, which I thought was weird? Because it’s warm out. It was… red? I think he had brown hair? Or black hair, I don’t remember.

GRACE: Just keep working through the memory.

BEA: He came in, and he stood… here. And I could smell him, that’s what I remember. I could smell cologne, it was thick. It smelled… familiar. I don’t know. I don’t remember why but it did. And I asked him if I could help him and he didn’t say anything. And he looked from me over to here, which means-

GRACE: He was looking at my office.

BEA: Yeah, but you were out so the desk was empty. And then he turned to me and he locked eyes and he… charged at me. And then… he… 

GRACE: That’s good, you don’t have to keep going. It’s quite self-explanatory from there. The only question is, how did you end up this far from your desk?

BEA_NARRATION: A good question. Everything is a haze.

BEA: I was crawling, towards him? Away from him. I don’t remember but I know I was crawling. 

GRACE:  Hm, there’s tracks here. He walked around, tracking blood everywhere. He’s moving quickly, trying to find something. Are you sure you were at your desk when he came in?

BEA: Yes, I was writing an email. I remember looking over my laptop at him. 

GRACE: Do you remember getting up? Did you make any moves once the attack started?

BEA: Yes? I must’ve? I must’ve. I don’t know, this whole thing is a blur.

GRACE: Hmm. There’s blood here.

BEA: That’s spatter. That’s just from the attack. [SFX: she walks over, looks around] But this is new. [SFX: she pushes aside some paper] There’s blood on the business cards.

GRACE: He took a card. 

BEA: What, like a fucking token? A little memento? Is he going to call me and report a murder?

BEA_NARRATION: There’s a thumbprint on the plastic holder that keeps both of our business cards. On the top of each stack, there’s a drop of blood. He took both of our cards and somehow that only makes this worse.

BEA: I’m going to have to change my cell number. Fuck. 

GRACE: We’ll monitor it. If this piece of shit reaches out, I want to be ready to respond. 

BEA: Why would he take a card? 

GRACE: Proof that he’s been here? 

BEA: Is the blood not enough?

GRACE: It’s curious.

BEA: So it’s a souvenir?

GRACE: Could be. Taking a little treat to remind him of a job well done?.

BEA: You think he was hired?

GRACE: This feels… premeditated. Planned.

BEA: Ok, but why?

GRACE: I don’t know. But I think the answers we’re looking for might prove to be more elusive than simply tracking down a lone angry man with a knife.

BEA: Do you think you were the intended target?

GRACE: I think it’s a possibility. But, to be thorough, let me ask you a few things: do you have any history of violent or vindictive exes?

BEA: I had a girlfriend who was a real piece of work but she’s long gone. Aside from that, no. 

GRACE: Any past experiences involving organized crime, drug trafficking-

BEA: What? No! 

GRACE: I’m not honey trapping you, I just need you to be honest. If there’s anything unsavoury in your history- 

BEA: There’s nothing. I smoked weed in high school. I once did MDMA at a club night and I hated it. I broke a car window with a basketball when I was a kid and didn’t tell anyone. I doubt that guy has been biding his time, waiting to seek revenge.

GRACE: I know people who have done more for less. But I’ll admit that it’s unlikely. Any money issues?

BEA: Just the usual of rent too expensive, everything too expensive. 

GRACE: So no loan sharks then. Any enemies? People you’ve pissed off? Anything?

BEA: No, Grace! I don’t have any sort of dark past, I don’t have any of the Sopranos coming after me because I got in Tony’s way or whatever! I don’t know, I didn’t watch the show, I don’t have HBO.

GRACE: Neither do I. But I heard it’s about psychiatry and ducks. Anyway, keep thinking about it. If anyone comes to mind, please let me know.

BEA: … Are there people who would want to kill you?

GRACE: Yes. You live long enough, you… don’t make as many friends as you do individuals willing to – for lack of a better phrase – stab you in the back. 

BEA: Want to elaborate on this?

GRACE: No. But I will make a few phone calls. 

BEA_NARRATION: As she walks around the room, something I’ve noticed about her is that she never gets sweaty. I’ve never seen her wipe the sweat off her forehead or look even a little clammy. If she’s nervous, she doesn’t wear it on her body. If she’s lying, well, guess I’ll just have to figure that out another way.

GRACE: You’re right. A good professional would have staked out the office ahead of time. They would have known that I wasn’t here when they came in. So, either they were a subpar hit man, or… they weren’t hired to kill me. Maybe they were hired to send me a message. I just don’t know what that message means. Not yet. Anyone who’s spoken to me over the last couple of years knows that we work together. Someone might have been trying to hurt me through you… And if that’s the case I will obliterate them, and then put them back together piece by agonizing piece, just so that I can fucking obliterate them again. 

BEA_NARRATION: Her eyes lock onto me and then dart away, eventually drifting back over to the blood pool on the floor. 

BEA: Alright, let’s take some pictures and finish up here. I can’t handle being in this space much longer. It’s… stressing me out.

GRACE: I’ve got a few photos, I’ll grab a few more, and tomorrow my guy will be in to redo these floors. It’ll be like none of this ever happened.

BEA: Yeah, except for the vampirism.

GRACE: Yeah, except for that.

BEA_NARRATION: What I’m not saying to her is this: My chest hurts. My body aches from hungers I can’t even begin to describe, but I know that if I don’t concentrate, I’ll become floppy, start stumbling. But I don’t want to do that, I can’t. Keep your head up, shoulders back. Move forward. Don’t look afraid. Why am I doing this? I don’t know, maybe it’s to stop the constant screaming in my brain that I don’t know how to even start thinking about what comes next, how things have changed, how I’m going to explain this to my parents. I can’t think about them right now, I can’t, I have to think about something else. 

BEA: Can… you just drive me home? I don’t trust myself to drive right now. 

GRACE: Are you sure?

BEA: Yeah, I just want to go home. Unless it’s easier for me to turn into a bat and just fly back.

GRACE: I wouldn’t recommend that just yet.

BEA: Why?

GRACE: It’s hard to control. Besides, turning into many small things is difficult. 

BEA: How do you do it?

GRACE: You have to focus, understand how the pieces of your body can be twisted into other shapes-

BEA: Right.

GRACE: It’s like finding all the sections where your form can be taken apart, not like a broken vase but like a puzzle, something that can be put back together. 

BEA: Hmm.

GRACE: You just need to find the key within and… turn it. 

BEA: [SFX: bursts into a bunch of bats but it’s a mess, just total chaos, they’re all freaking out and panicking and flying everywhere]

GRACE: Oh SHIT, Bea! BEA! Oh good god, this is too soon-… BEA! CONCENTRATE. I NEED YOU TO CONCENTRATE ON YOUR FORM.

BEA: [SFX: panicky bat noises]

GRACE: FOCUS. 

BEA: [SFX: Bea turns back but drops to the ground flat on her back, as the transformed back several feet up in the air] HOLY SHIT

GRACE: Are you alright? I told you that you’re not ready, it’s too soon to be trying such things.

BEA: HOW DO YOU DO ANYTHING WITH THAT MANY EYES?

GRACE: It’s a challenge.

BEA: Ahh! AHHHHHH!

GRACE: It’s alright-

BEA: I WANT BUGS!? I WANT A MOTH, GIMME A MOTH.
GRACE: Yeah, the first few times are quite disorienting. Deep breaths.

BEA: [SFX: deep breaths] Holy shit, that was… I was bats? All of me were bats? 

GRACE: Yes, it’s both very useful and incredibly inconvenient.

BEA: [SFX: Bea’s leg is bouncing on the ground] Gah, stop! My leg thinks it’s a WING, STOP. [SFX: she grabs her leg]

GRACE: Once you get the hang of it, it can be quite fun.

BEA: Grace, just drive me home. [SFX: Grace helps Bea up]

[SFX: They leave and the office transitions into Bea’s apartment]

BEA_NARRATION: Standing in the bathroom back at my place, I take a good, hard look at myself for the first time since it all happened. I keep expecting something different, some big change: red eyes, taut and shiny skin, leathery ears resembling bat wings… I have to admit, I was never into much vampire media. Never my style. I was always more of a science fiction girl, but turns out it’s all weirder earthside than I ever could’ve guessed. My hair looks nice though, which is odd, because all I did was awkwardly wash out some of the blood still crusted in it. It’s smooth, knotless. Shocking, normally my hair tangles if you breathe on it too hard, so I guess I’ll take the change. My teeth look nice too, but no obvious fangs. Do they pop out on request? My mouth feels… sharp, under my tongue as I explore it. Overall, I just look… like I’d taken a shower and put my makeup on recently. I tried eating a granola bar when I got home and it tasted fine but… flat. It left my mouth dry and uncomfortable. There was no satisfaction in it, not like before. And every time Grace puts her hand on me, it’s like there’s a thousand friendly bumble bees under my skin. I kind of want to see how this works on someone else. No, wait, that’s nuts. Stay the course. Figure this out.

… maybe another day. [SFX: sighs, walks out of the bathroom into the living room]

GRACE: I dug out a bottle of wine from your cabinet. Amarone. You have good taste. 

BEA: It was a gift. From you, I think? 

GRACE: That explains it. I have good taste. 

BEA: Isn’t this now just like drinking expensive water?

GRACE: Water isn’t ripe, raisiny, and full-bodied. Besides, it won’t turn to ash in your mouth, and you won’t wake up with a headache tomorrow.

BEA: The thought of that fills me with dread.

GRACE: Don’t worry, I won’t make a toast. That would feel a little… ghoulish. Ignore the possible pun there.

BEA: Gladly. 

GRACE: I do have one more thing I would like to talk to you about.

BEA: In my head, I’m imagining you firing me right now for my clear failure in not getting stabbed at the workplace.

GRACE: I mean, that will be on your quarterly review, but no. You did well today. It was a high stress situation to go back and you handled yourself nicely. And previous times, out in the field, you’ve been a good detective.

BEA: I’ve mostly just watched dudes cheat on their wives and take photos.

GRACE: Yes, but you’ve never flinched. You’ve always been up for a challenge. I like that.

BEA: Thank you.

GRACE: I think it’s time you got a promotion.

BEA: Really? This is all it took?

GRACE: You’ve shown talent, growth over the last year or so, plus you’ve got some… new skills that will come in handy.

BEA_NARRATION: She puts her hand on my shoulder and it’s like my arm is going to buzz off of my body. And then… a flash. A pain in my skull like something is trying to push its way out through the occipital bone. For a split second I see… myself, lying on the floor. Bleeding, dying. As if I am outside my own body and reaching for it. A hand, soft and gentle, reaches for mine. In the dream. In real life. I realize that Grace is now holding my hand, looking at me with a deeply furrowed brow. Concern. Questions.

GRACE: What’s wrong?

BEA: Huh? Nothing. Sorry. I think… I’m just reliving… things I don’t want to relive.

GRACE: Tell me about what you saw.

BEA: I’m… not ready to. 

GRACE: Alright. In due time. But yes, we will need to talk about updating your role in the office. 

BEA: Does this come with a pension plan?

GRACE: If you’d like.

BEA: I’ll think about it.

GRACE: Which part of it?

BEA: The pension. I feel like the payout is going to be very delayed. But I’ll take the promotion.

GRACE: Excellent! We can iron out the details when we’re back at the office, I think you could use a day off.

BEA: Oh boy, can’t wait to spend my day googling “vampire lore and myths”, this should only go well.

GRACE: You do that. Also, know that most things are wrong. Just shoot me a text if you have any questions. 

BEA: I’m going to have about a million.

GRACE: That’s fine.

BEA: There is one thing I want to find out right now, and that’s who did this… and why?

GRACE: That is… pressing. And concerning.

BEA: It’s a lot of things. 

GRACE: That’s certainly the main thing we should deal with. But we have one other thing that is quite prescient.

BEA: Hm?

GRACE: You being promoted changes things.

BEA: Ah.

GRACE: I think we are going to need to hire a new assistant.

[SFX: We transition into a dream. We’re in a windy cemetery]

GRACE_NARRATION: In the dream, it is winter. I am standing at the edge of a cemetery on a gently sloping hill pockmarked with grey stone. A breeze picks up a layer of powdery snow, the flakes creating spirals in the night air. There is a presence here, one I have not felt in many years, one that I am not pleased, but not surprised, to sense. Lennox, the vampire who turned me, stands behind me, radiating a tang of freshly spilled, metallic blood. 

LENNOX: You were born here, in this cemetery. You remember, don’t you?

GRACE: It’s not a particularly happy memory. 

LENNOX: So why’d you do it? Why put someone else through the Change? I thought I’d taught you better. 

GRACE: Get out of my head.

LENNOX: But that’s not what you really want, is it? You have questions. Ask them. 

GRACE: Did you do this, Lennox? Did you kill Bea? 

LENNOX: What reason would I have to harm that poor little girl? Besides, do you have any proof?

GRACE_NARRATION: He puts his hand on my shoulder and I tense, my body torn between repulsion and the grounding of a familiar touch. 

GRACE: I don’t know. But if this was you, I am going to prove it. And I am going to make you pay. 

LENNOX: If it were me, I would enjoy watching you try. 

[end]

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Alex Nursall as Bea
Emily Kellogg as Grace
Taylor Davis as Aurelius
Harlan Guthrie as Alden
and Rob Deobald as Lennox

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Alex Nursall and Emily Kellogg
Showrunning and direction by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm