Woodbine

Summary

Something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. Something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. Wait, didn’t I say that? Anyway, something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. And something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. But something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. Hang on. Ok, I’m good, I know what we’re talking about. Something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. And… something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and the team has to figure it out. Didn’t I say that already? I’m not sure what’s happening. Something is weird in the episode description and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to escape. Something is weird in a hotel in Toronto and… I can’t escape. And I don’t know what to do.

Content Warnings: fire, alcohol

Transcript

RHYS_NARRATION: There is a hotel on the outskirts of the city. People go in. They never come out. Ok, well, they come out eventually. But way later than they said they would. Days, months even. Or before they arrived. Or they leave a different hotel, wandering out of a Holiday Inn in Scarborough, stale continental breakfast muffin in hand. It used to sound like it was something that only happened once in a blue moon, maybe confusing a random tourist and adding to the urban legends, but lately things have been picking up. More and more people are reporting getting trapped within its walls. A gorgon friend of Grace’s got stuck in a loop for 3 weeks, and this kind of issue is apparently becoming less of an anomaly and more of a rule. Grace and Bea are concerned because if this starts truly affecting mortals, this could be a real problem. People are not as… trusting of the differently mortal as I might be. Most just get mad. Scared. Violent. And a place like this feels like a liability. 

We need to try and stop it. 

GRACE: [car speakerphone] You need to be in and out of there quickly, do you understand?

BEA: I don’t think this is safe.

GRACE: [car speakerphone] I know, but I’m up to my neck in goblins and until I can get this absolute mess of a case off my desk [SFX: something breaks in the background] and these dipshits out of my office then I need you to handle it, Rhys. 

BEA: I can go in with him!

GRACE: [car speakerphone] We don’t have time! There’s a ticking clock in the trunk, quite literally. If that’s not brought back to the owner in time then you’ll have the bigger problem of an unknown number of huntsman spiders pouring out of it. 

BEA: Fine! Fine. But the second I’m done I’m heading back here and getting Rhys. 

RHYS: Is there like, a tell? Something I can watch out for so I don’t end up lost in the lunch buffet from the Hotel California?

GRACE: [car speakerphone] I don’t know what you’re saying to me. 

BEA: That’s not important, we’re almost there. Grace, give us what you got.

GRACE: [car speakerphone] According to our intel, there’s a noise that they heard right before things started to get weird, reminiscent of… the warning before a fire alarm test. 

BEA: I’ll translate: The second you see something weird, leave.

RHYS: I’m going to get trapped in there, aren’t I?

BEA: With that attitude, yes. You have the files, use those as a guide. And don’t eat the food!

RHYS: What if I’m hungry?

BEA: Don’t eat it!

GRACE: [car speakerphone] Shit. I have to go, there’s a redcap wreaking havoc in the waiting room. We’ll reconvene soon, alright?

BEA: Got it. 

RHYS: Aye aye, el capitan! 

GRACE: [car speakerphone] Good luck you two. And Rhys?

RHYS: Yeah?

GRACE: [car speakerphone] Stay safe.

RHYS: You got it.

[SFX: they pull up into the parking lot of the hotel and park, but the car doesn’t turn off]

BEA: What time is it?

RHYS: 8 PM.

BEA: Shit, I really need to get that stupid clock out of here, I’m so behind schedule. How many spiders do you think will fit in an Elantra?

RHYS: More than one, which is too many. You’ll be back to pick me up though, right? 

BEA: Yes, I promise. Go in, give the place a look around. See if you can figure out what room it is that’s causing the disturbance. You just need to be quick. 

RHYS: Gotcha. 

BEA: And if anything starts to feel hinky, just run, alright? I don’t care what Grace says about figuring this out in the end, it’s not worth getting stuck in the time loop. 

RHYS: I’ll be fine, this isn’t my first rodeo. 

BEA: Yes it is. 

RHYS: Yeah, but I haven’t told the horses that yet. 

BEA: Don’t do anything heroic, Rhys.

RHYS: I’ll be fine. You deal with your spider clock. [SFX: gets out of the car] And make sure those goblins stay out of my desk!

BEA: Go! [SFX: the door slams and he walks away]

RHYS_NARRATION: The file folder in my hand tells me this: 40 years ago, a death in the hotel started it down this path. The owner’s wife died in a fire that didn’t stray too far from the room they were in. An explosion. Hot, harsh, sudden, violent. He never truly recovered mentally and his attention went elsewhere. The place languished. He spent years up in that room though, quietly rebuilding, trying to figure out what happened. There’s rumours of all kinds of things: he held seances, he tried magic, he read every text about how to bring someone back from the dead. There’s lots of talk. All we know for sure is that one day he ran from the place, covered in soot, hair singed off, never to return. All he left behind is a hotel room that never gets booked anymore. It’s trapped in time for real. The whole place is falling apart now though. Bad reviews. Airbnb. A Holiday Inn that opened a kilometer away. But there’s still a grandeur to it. Dramatic fixtures. A chandelier in the entrance. Threadbare velvet furniture. A sconce worn by time featuring a bird spreading its wings around the light seems to greet me as I enter. 

JAMES: Hello sir, how may I help you? 

RHYS: Hi, I’d like to rent a room for the night. 

JAMES: We have… some availability-

RHYS: Could I get a room on the top floor? 

JAMES: That floor, I would not recommend it. I can certainly find space, but I cannot guarantee that the space will be… hospitable.  

RHYS: That’s fine with me, I’m not picky. And I’d like a view.

JAMES: I… I will warn you that the floor is… not welcoming. This place has a reputation for… the supernatural.

RHYS: Great! Are there any ghost stories I should be aware of?

JAMES: Ah, a paranormalist. There are many tall tales, but there’s only one story that matters. The wife of the owner died here many years ago. A fire that tore through the room she was in. Electrical, possibly, but it changed this place forever. The owner never recovered from the loss. But some say that she’s trapped here, waiting for her spirit to be extinguished. 

RHYS: Neat!

JAMES: Sir, are you sir-

RHYS: I’m sure, no worries here, all good!

JAMES: Alright… I can book you in a room near the stairs. I would… familiarize yourself with the points of egress.

RHYS: Got it. [SFX: grabs the keys] Thanks! [SFX: walks over to the elevator]

RHYS_NARRATION: I got the whole spiel from Bea and Grace. So far, no one that Grace has talked to has been able to give a clear answer about the source of the anomaly, mostly because they didn’t know what to look for. Screaming. Or fire. Or the sound of a glass breaking. But me? I have ideas. She thinks it’s a ghost that needs to be put to rest. Makes sense. Dead lady in the hotel, she wants closure. [SFX: gets to the floor, leaves elevator, starts walking down hallway] We got one other question though, and that’s why did the husband leave? What did he see? It doesn’t sound like he killed her, true crime podcasts have tried to find evidence of that and they all turned up nothing. But after he left it seems like he just wilted over the years until he barely existed. And then he died, a husk. Also in a fire, although that might have been on purpose, jury’s out on that one. I have keys to room 1414, but she apparently died in room 1405. That room is partially gone now, it’s now a space that holds the ice machine [SFX: somewhere down the hall, an ice machine hums loudly and goes off]. 

RHYS: Guess I’ll just canvas the place. [loudly, to no one] Oh no, I hope I don’t get attacked by a ghost around these parts! … Damn, thought that might work. Alright. Let’s see what this place holds.

 

[SFX: walks down the hallway, transitions into a car driving]

BEA: If you see another spider, kill it, ok?

GRACE: I told you to take the Gardiner.

BEA: That’s a thousand times WORSE, traffic is so bad right now! I thought I was on time but noooo, turns out the spider clock runs slightly fast. 

GRACE: Huh. I suppose I should have compared it with my phone to make sure.

BEA: Well please check next time because the sight of my trunk filling with huntsmen is one I will never be able to remove from my brain. Really glad I had a pair of gloves in my purse because that was the only way I was able to carry it. 

GRACE: At least they don’t bite.

BEA: Cold comfort when you’re running down the driveway with a clock that’s filled with spiders! [SFX: honks horn] Fucking come on! 

GRACE: No word from Rhys?

BEA: Nothing. He wasn’t there when I got back and I haven’t been able to get ahold of him. 

GRACE: It… might have been a mistake sending him there. 

BEA: Yes, I told you that! [SFX: honk] Goddamnit. 

 

[SFX: honk transitions into the beeping of an alarm clock, that gets turned off]

RHYS: Hmm. Still nothing.

RHYS_NARRATION: The rooms up on this floor are all unlocked, which is… unnerving. There was a room with no pillows on the bed, one with a TV on, one with an empty ice bucket, this one with a blaring alarm set to 5:00 AM, but nothing really of note. [SFX: the sound of footsteps running down the carpeted hallway behind him] Hang on. 

RHYS: Hello? [SFX: he cautiously walks over, sniffs the air] What is that? [SFX: he walks over to another room door and puts his hand against it] Warm. Hmm. [SFX: he opens it and suddenly there is a RAGING fire inside the place] SHIT. [SFX: slams the door, back to the normal hallway silence. He cautiously opens the door, raging fire, closes it again. There’s a long pause, and then he opens the door quickly. It’s silent].

RHYS: Ok, I think I found the weirdness.

RHYS_NARRATION: The room was ablaze, absolutely gutted, and now… it’s fine. I think I found the flashpoint though, pardon the pun. And that means I should leave. [SFX: a beep echoes through the halls, but no announcement follows]

RHYS: Oh, SHIT. [SFX: he starts running down the halls and down the stairs but something is wrong]

RHYS_NARRATION: I run down the hallway that leads to the front door, but when I open it, there is… only the lobby, again.

RHYS: Shit.

RHYS_NARRATION: I’m trapped.

 

[SFX: the fire transitions into the car pulling up in the parking lot]

GRACE: This is a bad idea. [SFX: getting out of the car]

BEA: He’s been in there for hours, Grace. It was a bad idea sending him in in the first place. Why didn’t you just let me go?

GRACE: It was a job, and you and I were busy. Why wouldn’t I send him out? 

BEA: For so many reasons, one of which being that he’s a helpless human! 

GRACE: He’s hardly “helpless.” 

BEA: Whatever. Ok, ahhhh right, well he may not be helpless but he does have the file. What was the wife’s name again? 

GRACE: Arlene Fitzsimmons. I’ll go in-

BEA: No, if we’re getting stuck we’re doing it together, because if you go in there alone and get trapped then I’ll end up going in anyway and it’ll just prolong the madness. We go in, we find Rhys, and hopefully we leave in good time. [SFX: they enter the lobby] Ok, there’s no one at the desk.

GRACE: It’s late. Let’s just head up, the original room was on the top floor. [SFX: calls elevator]

BEA: You never should have sent him into the field alone. 

GRACE: You’re the one who keeps telling me to learn to delegate. 

BEA: You protected me, now you have to look out for him. You yourself said that things were getting out of hand lately. 

GRACE: Point taken. I apologize. 

BEA: That isn’t going to cut it this time. 

GRACE: Excuse me? [SFX: elevator arrives, they get on]

BEA: You’re always telling me that you’re sorry. I’m sick of that. Why don’t you try repeating after me. 

GRACE: Oh please, it’s not my fault that humans are so endlessly breakable. 

BEA: “In the future, I will not put my human employees at risk because I’ve forgotten that not everyone has the powers of a centuries old vampire.” 

GRACE: Bea-

BEA: I’m waiting. 

GRACE: You can’t actually expect me to say that?

BEA: Have you forgotten your line already?  

GRACE: This is ridiculous. 

BEA: In the future… 

GRACE: In the future, I will not… 

BEA: …put my human employees at risk… 

GRACE: Put my human employees at risk because I’ve forgotten that not everyone has the powers of a centuries old vampire. There. Are you happy now? 

BEA: Sure. [SFX: elevator arrives at the floor] Now let’s go get our boy. 

 

[SFX: Rhys is back in the lobby]

JAMES: Hello sir, how may I help you?

RHYS: Hey, uh… yeah, is… is there a way out? 

JAMES: Why yes, the front door is right there. 

RHYS: … thanks. [SFX: goes out the door, right back into the lobby]

JAMES: Hello sir, how may I help you?

RHYS: This is the way out?

JAMES: Why yes, the front door is right there. 

RHYS: Great. [SFX: goes out the door, right back into the lobby]

JAMES: Hello sir, how may I help you?

RHYS: This is bad. 

JAMES: Excuse me?

RHYS: I’m just going to go to my room.

JAMES: Sorry sir, but you have to check in first. 

RHYS: But-… right. Time loop. Top floor, please.

JAMES: That floor, I would not recommend it. I can certainly find space, but I cannot guarantee that the space will be… hospitable.  

RHYS: Don’t care, I’ll take it. 

JAMES: That’s fine, but I will warn you that-

RHYS: Is it about the fire damage? 

JAMES: I see you’ve been reading about the place. The wife of the owner died here many years ago. Some say that she’s trapped, waiting for her spirit to be extinguished. 

RHYS: What about the fire in 1407?

JAMES: Excuse me? 

RHYS: The room that keeps catching on fire? 

JAMES: There’s no fire there. 

RHYS: Right… Ok, I’m going to go up.

JAMES: Alright, I would… familiarize yourself with the points of egress.

RHYS: Got it, thanks. [SFX: walks over to the elevator]

 

[SFX: transition to Grace and Bea walking down the quiet hallway]

GRACE: This is a bad idea. 

BEA: He’s been in here for hours, Grace. It was a bad idea sending him in in the first place. Why didn’t you just let me go? 

GRACE: It was a job, and you and I were busy. Why wouldn’t I send him out? 

BEA: For so many reasons, one of which being that he’s a helpless human! 

GRACE: He’s hardly “helpless.” 

BEA: Whatever. Ok, ahhhh shoot, he has the file. What was the wife’s name again? 

GRACE: Arlene Fitzsimmons. I’ll go in-

BEA: No, if we’re getting stuck we’re doing it together, this is stupid. We go in, we find Rhys, and hopefully we leave. [SFX: they enter the lobby] Hm, no one at the desk.

GRACE: It’s late. Let’s just head up, the original room was on the top floor. 

BEA: You never should have sent him into the field alone. 

GRACE: You’re the one who keeps telling me to learn to delegate. 

BEA: You protected me, now you have to look out for him. You yourself said things were getting out of hand lately. 

GRACE: Point taken. I apologize. [SFX: Bea stops walking]

BEA: Did we do this before?

GRACE: Do what?

BEA: Have this argument. 

GRACE: I mean… 

BEA: Something’s wrong. [SFX: the sound of fire burning behind a door] Do you hear that?

GRACE: I do. This might be our flashpoint. I don’t know what we’ll see, but be ready. 

BEA: Ok. I’ll open on three. THREE. [SFX: opens the door and… nothing. It’s quiet, just a room with an alarm clock going off] That’s… not what I was expecting. 

GRACE: Very odd. This isn’t even the room where she died. That’s an ice machine now. [SFX: the ice machine goes off down the hall] What’s that on the ground? 

BEA: It’s uh… feathers? Did a pillow rip? 

GRACE: There’s a margarita on the nightstand.

BEA: [SFX: sniffs it] Very limey. No ice.

GRACE: Let’s check the other rooms. 

 

[SFX: They exit the room and close the door. A TV flips on and someone is changing channels, but every channel is static except for one]

RHYS_NARRATION: I’m back in the room where the fire was. It’s not burning, though. When I flip through the TV channels, it is just static, static, static. Except for two. One is showing a bird, weirdly, in a cage. Not sure what kind it is, something tropical though. Red, beautifully feathered. The other channel…

GHOSTLY WOMAN ON TV: I didn’t ask to come back. [SFX: he changes the channel and it back to static]

RHYS_NARRATION: There’s a woman who does not want to be here. I get it. Was she a guest? Is she trapped here? Is that my fate? [SFX: he flips back, the woman appears again]

GHOSTLY WOMAN ON TV: I can’t escape. I can’t leave this loop.

RHYS: Who are you?

GHOSTLY WOMAN ON TV: I am reborn, but I don’t want to be. 

RHYS: Don’t like that. I really hope that is not my fate. Are you trapped here?

GHOSTLY WOMAN ON TV: I am trapped here with you. And you’re trapped here with me-

RHYS_NARRATION: I smell burnt limes.

THE GHOST: [SFX: appears in the doorway] Hello Rhys.

RHYS_NARRATION: There’s a woman standing in the doorway. Tall. Pale. Dead. 

THE GHOST: The heat! The heat is unbearable!

RHYS: Shit!

RHYS_NARRATION: Her skin starts to melt from her body, cracking and popping like chicharrones. 

THE GHOST: I WILL BE REBORN AGAINST MY WILL! [SFX: she melts away, leaving only an empty glass on the ground]

RHYS: A lowball glass? Ahh, it’s hot! [SFX: he drops it]

RHYS_NARRATION: She’s gone almost as soon as she appears. A feather floats to the ground. The air where she stood roils like the height of a summer day, but is quickly pushed away by the building’s climate control cycling on, stale cold air rushing in to replace it. 

 

[SFX: the sound of the a/c turns into the hallway as Bea and Grace walk]

GRACE: This is a bad idea. 

BEA: He’s been in here for hours, Grace. It was a bad idea sending him in in the first place. Why didn’t you just let me go? 

GRACE: It was a job, and you and I were busy. Why wouldn’t I send him out? 

BEA: Uh… 

GRACE: Please, Bea, if you’re waiting for me to grovel, I had no possible way of knowing we’d get a panicked call-

BEA: No. No, Grace, this isn’t right. 

GRACE: What are you talking about? 

BEA: This isn’t right! We’ve already done this!

GRACE: What, fighting? Yeah, I’m tired of it as well. 

BEA: That’s not what I mean – hang on a second, we don’t fight that much. 

GRACE: I refuse to start a fight with you about how much we do or do not fight. 

BEA: We’re getting side tracked. Something is off… and weird. 

GRACE: You’re right. We’re looking for… was Rhys supposed to be here?

BEA: Yes, we have to find him. 

GRACE: Are… are you sure he’s not in the car? Come on, let’s check- [SFX: she opens the door and leaves, but the door closes]

BEA: Grace, don’t slam the door in my face, jeez- {SFX: she opens the door but finds herself in another room] Oh, ok. Now we can’t even exit the room, it just puts us in another room. Grace? … Grace? [SFX: opens a door, then another, then another, then another] Grace! [SFX: keeps opening doors] I’m fucking trapped in this fucking ROOM. GRACE!

 

[SFX: The door opens and it changes to a main room in the hotel]

RHYS_NARRATION: Ever since I checked into this god forsaken hotel I’ve been in a time loop. I never had a chance. [SFX: time skip] I was walking through the front doors again. I tried that so many times I got dizzy. Then I got wise. I started trying to jump out a window, the one in the lobby. It’s a stained glass window of birds, but as soon as I went through it, it was repaired again. [SFX: time skip] I tried to bypass the front desk. [SFX: time skip] I tried to jump out a goddamn fifth floor window. [SFX: time skip] I’m just going to have a little cry, ok???? [SFX: time skip] Shut up James, I don’t want to talk about the stupid ghost story again, ok?! [SFX: time skip] I’m in the restaurant and I really want to eat the food but I’ve been warned not to. [SFX: time skip] I’m in the restaurant and like, what’s the harm in having a little snack. [SFX: time skip] [SFX: eating] I don’t see what the problem is- [SFX: time skip] [SFX: sick] turns out the food exists in some sort of liminal space and just makes you so sick, oh my god- [SFX: time skip] [SFX: the the sound of Rhys falling to the ground from up above. He gets up, sore] Ok, other windows don’t work either. [SFX: time skip] The only thing that seems to help, or at least, extend my stay in time that moves forward is to make the quote unquote right decisions. I have to talk to James. I have to acknowledge that I know the ghost story. I have to turn on the TV. Static. Bird. Woman. But now things are changing. When I turn on the TV, the static is on less channels. There’s a bird, large and proud. Red, gleaming. Watching me. The woman burns still. But it feels like the rules could be changed. 

 

[SFX: Transition to the sound of a door opening, door closing, opening, closing]

BEA: [SFX: open] Nothing. [SFX: close, open] Nothing. [SFX: close, open] Darkness. [SFX: close, open] That’s a lot of nudie mags. [SFX: close, open] Room on fire, pass. [SFX: close, open] Margarita room again. [SFX: close, open] Room service food, hope that’s not Rhys’s or else he’s going to shit his pants. [SFX: close, open] When was the last time I ate? [SFX: close, open] I wonder how long it’s been out there. [SFX: close, open] Rhys was gone for hours and hours but it might not have moved the same here. [SFX: close, open] Days? [SFX: close, open] Weeks? [SFX: close, open] Am I aging? [SFX: close, open] I actually don’t really know how I age in general now. [SFX: close, open] Darkness. [SFX: close, open] Margarita room again. [SFX: close, open] Nothing. [SFX: close, opens, goes to close it again but stops] Hello?

HOLLIS: Hey there. Sorry, you can come in. I don’t bite. Or, well, at least I won’t bite you. 

 

[SFX: Transition to the lobby as Rhys walks in again]

JAMES: Hello sir, how may I help you?

RHYS: I’ll take a room please. Top floor. Because what the hell else am I going to do? 

JAMES: I can check you in, but-

RHYS: The floor is spooky scary and I should stay somewhere else. 

JAMES: How’d you know? 

RHYS: The hotel’s owner went mad with grief. He lost his wife in a fire at the hotel that shut down the top floor ten years ago. He stayed up there for years after her death but one day started screaming uncontrollably and ran, never to be seen again. Now the place languishes, etc etc. 

JAMES: Some say that she’s been trapped here, waiting for her spirit to be extinguished. But that isn’t all public knowledge. Are you a friend of the family? 

RHYS: Listen, can I just get the key? And yes, I’m aware that the pool is closed and the exercise room is where people hear the sound of a child laughing and there’s a ghost cat in the kitchen and also the bar is closed and room service no longer runs, but I’ll kick in an extra $50 if you slip me the bottle of tequila I know you have stashed behind the counter. 

JAMES: I- 

RHYS: $100. But throw in salt. I grabbed a lime from the other room. It’s fine, I think my constitution has hardened in the million years I’ve been stuck in this fucking place. I’ll take the risk.

JAMES: It’s all yours… sir. [SFX: he slides over the key and the bottle of tequila] I hope you enjoy your stay. I’ll finish my shift at midnight. After that, I- 

RHYS: And there will be no one left to help me in the dark. In the night. Got it, buddy. Also, if you see that bird tell it that I would also like to fly the coop. 

JAMES: Bird? 

RHYS: Yes! Bird! Stupid flapping wing thing!

JAMES: Sir, please-

RHYS: “It’ll be easy,” she said. “All you need to do is investigate if the hotel is actually haunted or if it’s a hoax,” she said. Open-shut! Simple! If I ever get out of here, I’m demanding a raise. [SFX: he arrives on the floor and gets out] All right, it can’t hurt to try this one more time. [SFX: pulls out his cell phone and tries to dial. “This call cannot be completed”] Of course. Well, buckle up boys because here we go again. [SFX: Rhys gets ice at the machine]

THE GHOST: Rhys… 

RHYS: You know, it gets less impressive each time you do that. You’re going to need to up your game. Or better yet, LET ME OUT OF THIS TIME LOOP AND FIND SOMEBODY NEW TO TORTURE. 

THE GHOST: Set me free, Rhys…

RHYS: I’m going to have a drink. You want one? I got extra ice, even. At least the machine is still running. [SFX: pours himself some tequila] Yeah, didn’t think so. 

THE GHOST: I return, even though I do not want to. 

RHYS: Gah! [SFX: he spills some] OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? Wait, why are you backing away? Do you not… like tequila? Oh wait… what about… [SFX: he throws the glass with the tequila and ice and she lets out a hiss that turns into a contented sigh] Well. That’s different. 

 

[SFX: Grace is standing by the ice machine. It dispenses ice]

GRACE: Why is this here now? Who replaced the room with an ice machine? [SFX: she sniffs the air] A pillow? A duvet? Burnt feathers. There’s… gold? On the floor? Flecks of it. And… mercury. No… but… it moves like it. Feathers, gold, mercury… no… that’s impossible…

RHYS: Grace?

GRACE: Rhys? 

RHYS: Holy crap, am I glad to see you! [SFX: runs over] Do you know of a way out? Where’s Bea? 

GRACE: That’s what I’m trying to figure out. 

RHYS: Wait, was she with you? Shit, I was hoping you’d say she was at home. 

GRACE: Nope, she’s trapped in a room somewhere and we have to find her. 

RHYS: Shouldn’t the loop be done by now? 

GRACE: Everything’s out of whack. But I’ve got some ideas…

RHYS: Have you seen the ghost? Or the bird on the TV?

GRACE: Bird?

RHYS: Yeah, when you skip through the channels, just the bird and the ghost lady. Turns out she both does and doesn’t like it when you throw a drink at her. 

GRACE: What does the lady do? 

RHYS: She, uh, burns? 

GRACE: Quickly? Over and over?

RHYS: Yeah. She didn’t like this though. [SFX: waggles the drink] 

GRACE: Did it have ice in it?

RHYS: Yeah.

GRACE: Find as many ice buckets as possible. I have an idea. 

 

[SFX: We’re in the room with Bea and the mystery person]

BEA: Uh…

HOLLIS: Hello. 

BEA: Who are you?

HOLLIS: I’m just hanging out. Don’t mind me.

BEA: Uh… does this mean the loop has stopped?

HOLLIS: Hm? Oh, probably not. But that’s your problem. 

BEA: You’re here as well. 

HOLLIS: Ah, I’m just a temporary visitor. I heard there was something going on out here, thought I’d check it out. 

BEA: Can you help me out of this?

HOLLIS: No. 

BEA: Can’t or won’t?

HOLLIS: No. 

BEA: Ok. Great.

HOLLIS: And you are?

BEA: Does it matter?

HOLLIS: A little. 

BEA: Alright. Hi, my name is Bea.

HOLLIS: You’re Bea. I’ve heard a lot about you. 

BEA: You know, I’ve been getting that a lot lately. And I gotta tell you, I’m not a fan. 

HOLLIS: Grace’s fledgling. In the flesh. 

BEA: That word is so unsettling.

HOLLIS: Hm, yeah.  

BEA: Wait, you know Grace?

HOLLIS: How do you think you’re going to get out of here?

BEA: I don’t know! I’ve tried whatever I can think of but nothing has worked yet. 

HOLLIS: Bummer. 

BEA: So can you help me?  

HOLLIS: Eh. 

BEA: What is your name?

HOLLIS: Hollis. Sorry, did you not expect me to answer? 

BEA: I did not. 

HOLLIS: I assume Grace has mentioned me. No? Hm. That’s insulting. 

BEA: Ok, uh, I’ll continue asking my questions, what’s your relation to her? Are you like, an enemy or something? 

HOLLIS: That’s up to her. 

BEA: … Do you have anything to do with the guy who stabbed me?

HOLLIS: Fun question! Can I ask something of you?

BEA: Are you going to answer my question?

HOLLIS: No. 

BEA: Sure. Go ahead. 

HOLLIS: How did it feel? Getting stabbed? Was it scary? Did you think you were going to die?

BEA: You know what? Fuck off. 

HOLLIS: How did it feel being turned, hm? I remember it. For me, it felt like absinthe being injected straight into my veins, green and harsh and intoxicating like nothing else. Like my body being split open and resewn, new. Better. 

BEA: Yeah, that sounds about right. If we’re doing probing questions, who turned you? How old are you supposed to be? 

HOLLIS: It’s very rude to be so forward.

BEA: Oh, I’m the problem here. 

HOLLIS: I think the loop you’re trapped in is the real problem.

BEA: How’d you end up here? 

HOLLIS: I’m just a curious interloper. I’m sure Grace will tell you. We know each other very well. 

BEA: You know Grace, you’re very cryptic, so I assume you’re a vampire. This room has been cycling for… hours, maybe? If you got in here on your own, then… that means you can leave on your own.

HOLLIS: Maybe. Or maybe I’m not real. Maybe you’re hallucinating. [SFX: walking closer slowly] Maybe you’ve already failed. This could be death. This could be hell. You’re trapped here, Bea.

BEA: This is just a hotel and I can get out. Eventually.

HOLLIS: [SFX: still walking over slowly] Can you? You said it yourself, you’ve been trying over and over again and you’re still here. You’re tense.

BEA: You’d be tense too if you were me.

HOLLIS: Maybe you’ve died and this is hell.

BEA: And what are you then, the devil?

HOLLIS: No. I’m just visiting. 

BEA: Well, if you’re going to be here and be obtuse and not help then I’m going to continue messing around with reality to see which one will line me back up with my actual life. 

HOLLIS: And what if it never works?

BEA: I mean it never will with that attitude.

HOLLIS: What if you’re here forever? What then? Will you rot? Become bone dust ground into the floorboards?

BEA: I’m not listening!

HOLLIS: Someday, someone else will find themselves here in the same predicament and all that will be left are a few fragments of you. Your bones bleached by time. Forgotten. 

BEA: You’re not helping!

HOLLIS: I know.

BEA: Can you just leave, then?

HOLLIS: Oh, I hope so, or else this will be very unpleasant for both of us. 

BEA: Oh my god, ok.

HOLLIS: Where are you going?

BEA: Out of here, away from you.

HOLLIS: Bea, so lovely to meet you.

BEA: Cool, great. Thank you for coming out.

HOLLIS: I will see you soon, though. 

BEA: Good You can come sweep up my bone dust then, eventually. 

HOLLIS: And lose you to this funny little place? No fun. How about this: If you’re looking for another exit, don’t only look for light coming through cracks. Look for the dark. There’s always something hidden within. 

BEA: Thanks for the hot tip.

HOLLIS: Good luck, sweet Bea. 

BEA: [SFX: exits through door, then comes back in] Do you have any other t-… oh. Alright, they’re gone. Goddamnit. 

 

[SFX: she opens and closes the door and this transitions into the ice machine again as Rhys fills buckets]

RHYS: Come again?

GRACE: A phoenix. 

RHYS: Yeah, but those aren’t real.

GRACE: Rhys, have you learned nothing about what you don’t know you that you don’t know? To be fair, it is not a conclusion that I would’ve jumped to had I not found gold flecks on the ground around here. Look, gold and mercury. Old, flaking, but there. 

RHYS: A phoenix leaves that?

GRACE: No, alchemy. Someone was trying to create a philosopher’s stone, eternal life!

RHYS: I’m lost. 

GRACE: [SFX: he stops with the ice] Here’s what I think: the wife of the owner, she dies horribly in a fire. There’s no suspicious circumstances, just bad luck. Tragedy. He’s looking for answers, fixes, something to bring her back. There’s so many stories of people returning from the dead, there’s rumours, rituals, what have you. He digs and digs and finds something deep in a dusty book. He discovers alchemy and, somehow, through experimentation, it works. Perhaps this space was already a thin spot in the veil between our world and the next, perhaps it was more esoteric than that. But either way, he’s able to make it work. But these things are finicky, difficult, and temperamental. The magic backfired, possibly literally. She rises, but she died in fire, so she burns out again. But she arises! She is reborn as a phoenix. The magic is uncontrolled, it spills out everywhere, tainting everything around it. It’s spreading like a drink spilled on a rug, staining what it touches. He created the loop by accident, but she’s trapped in it. Phoenix magic! She burns, Rhys. 

RHYS: She wants for her spirit to be extinguished. That’s what the front desk guy said. 

GRACE: Cryptic fool. 

RHYS: So you want to put her out? 

GRACE: I want to give her peace in the only way I can think of, by putting her on ice. This machine, why is it still running? Who handles this? Why is this here? It’s the only tool we have. We should try. And then we find Bea. I’m not leaving without her. 

 

[SFX: ice machine transitions to a door opening and closing]

BEA: [SFX: open, close, pause, open] Darkness. [SFX: goes to close it and then stops] Look for the dark. Hmm. Well, guess it’s just… into the dark. [SFX: takes a tentative step in, the door slams behind her, the sound of burning begins somewhere in the distance] Walk towards the fire sound, very safe. Great idea. But there’s firelight coming through the crack in the wall. [SFX: the fire burns on the other side] Hoo boy. Alright, let’s do this. [SFX: she opens the door and there’s fire, there is the sound of ice falling everywhere. Grace and Rhys and just hucking buckets of ice onto the form of the burning woman] WHOA-

GRACE: Bea! [SFX: still shoveling ice]

BEA: [SFX: getting pelted with ice cubes] What the hell- stop throwing ice at me!

RHYS: It’s not at you! It’s at her! [SFX: the fire and noise dissipate into the hiss of water turning to steam]

BEA: Who is she?

GRACE: She’s the wife of the owner. 

BEA: Dead?

GRACE: Trapped in a phoenix loop.

BEA: Sure! Sounds great!

THE GHOST: He only wanted to bring me back. To keep me eternal. 

GRACE: But you become stuck in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. 

THE GHOST: I want to walk free. 

GRACE: I am… unsure as to whether this is a permanent state, but [SFX: the sound of the ice machine being pushed down the hallway] we’re going to install that in here. At least then you can… you know…

BEA: Cool off. 

GRACE: I was trying to avoid puns but yes, that. [SFX: Rhys arrives with the ice machine, panting]

RHYS: Alright boss, where do you want it?

GRACE: I don’t know if this will stop the loop fully. But it might help. [SFX: Rhys pushes it into the room]

THE GHOST: To be free of the fire… thank you.

GRACE: This might be the thing to let us out. Whatever it was that your husband did, whatever controls he had installed, they were all failing. Time around her was spiraling out of control, and it was leaking into the world around her.

THE GHOST: He just wanted to bring me back. He worked so hard and for so long. And he did. But when he watched me burn again… 

GRACE: Maybe we can find him.

THE GHOST: He’s gone. I will mourn him forever. 

RHYS: [SFX: puts bottle down] Here. You can have the rest of the tequila.

GRACE: Thank you, Rhys. 

BEA: Hey, look out the window. Looks like you might have broke the spell. 

GRACE: Machine is running [SFX: plugged in and hums to life] so this should give you something cool to calm the flames. That should also chill out the time dilation, now that there’s less panicking. Magic… it’s finicky. It doesn’t like being stressed. It doesn’t help if your entire being is stress. All that rebirth, that can’t be good for you or anything in your vicinity. 

THE GHOST: Thank you. [SFX: she takes some ice] Ahhh. 

GRACE: Shall we go?

BEA: Yeah. We’ll keep an eye on this place though, I assume. 

THE GHOST: [she sighs and disappears. The tequila bottle falls to the floor]

RHYS: Aw, that was a nice tequila. [SFX: they walk away and wait by the elevator] I mean, the irony in this place originally being called The Phoenix Hotel.

BEA: … wait, are you shitting me? 

RHYS: Didn’t you read the file?

BEA: You had the file!

RHYS: Oh, yeah. Like it’s a Hilton or something now-

BEA: Oh my GOD. [SFX: elevator arrives] 

GRACE: I should’ve had some more oversight on this.

BEA: I should’ve stayed with the spiders. Grace, we need to talk. 

GRACE: About what?

BEA: I met someone in the hotel. Not a guest. Just a person. Tall. Strong looking arms. Tattoo on their chest of a… flower, blooming.  

GRACE: Orange lilies. 

BEA: Yeah. Said their name was Hollis. They said they know you? 

GRACE: They do.

BEA: And they said I should’ve known about them.

GRACE: That’s probably true.

BEA: Grace, you have to tell me what’s going on. You can’t keep these things from me.

GRACE: I know. Hollis is… Lennox’s other creation. We were close, until we weren’t. They are still close with Lennox, though. Still a part of the business. It unnerves me to know that they’re watching. That they know who you are. They are… ruthless. It’s great for business. Terrible for everything else. 

BEA: Alright. What else do I need to know?

GRACE: Bea, I don’t even know where to begin. [SFX: elevator door closes]

[end]

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Ian Boddy as Rhys
Emily Kellogg as Grace
Alex Nursall as Bea
J Strautman as Hollis
Kyle Anderson as James
and Gina Sorell as The Ghost

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Alex Nursall and Emily Kellogg
Showrunning and direction by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm