Woodbine

Summary

Oh boy, it’s time for a super fun bar crawl with the team! Obviously this is some sort of delightful work outing, right? In any other capacity, it probably would be. But for Grace, Bea, and Rhys, the party is overshadowed by the case at hand. Hard to get too enthused when you’ve got a malicious being on your tail, really puts a damper on the evening. Don’t stop, don’t lose your nerve, and don’t ever look back…

Content Warnings: alcohol, violence

Transcript

BEA_NARRATION: My head hurts. My head is spinning. My… I’m leaning on Grace. She smells like… vanilla. Real expensive vanilla. No, cognac. Like soaked biscotti. Like amber liqueur fresh on your lips. Fuck, I want a snack right now? Is there a bakery around here? There has to be a cookie place nearby but I think it’s too late to get something? She smells like expensive desserts, like… a bistro I can’t afford. I’m at a place and it’s like, “Whoa, it’s $30 for a starter salad? Are you shitting me?” Her neck… smells so good. She’s so soft. Like fresh dough. I want to bite her. 

Oh my god, ok, ok, shit, ok. We’re working. Stop being an idiot, stop being weird, uh… 

God, I’m so drunk. This was a mistake. But it’s also the only way we’re going to get this to work. Because if I sober up now then it’s only… bad things. Bad doings. I mean I feel bad right now because if I was still human, I’d be dead from acute alcohol poisoning but like whatever. 

[as she’s talking, she’s slowly sobering up] There is a shape behind us. We’re trying to lead it into a ravine. Every time I blink, I can feel myself sober up a little more, and it gets a little closer. [SFX: there is the sound of breathing creeping in under her talking] I can’t let it get too close. We only want it to follow. 

BEA: Can I get another beer?

BARTENDER: Same thing?

BEA: Yeah, whatever it was. 

BARTENDER: No problem. Here you go. [SFX: places pint glass on the counter] 

BEA: Thanks, just add it to the tab. 

GRACE: Do you see it?

BEA: I think I did, by the window near the pool table.

RHYS: We should play pool!

GRACE: I don’t think we’ll have time, we need to keep moving.

RHYS: Ok, then we should come back and play pool. 

BEA: How are you feeling?

RHYS: I’m great. This is fun! Haven’t been tipsy in… a long time, I think.

BEA: Like what’s a long time?

RHYS: Dunno. I tend to forget when I get drunk enough.

BEA: Right. 

RHYS: When do you guys want to move?

GRACE: Maybe in 10 minutes. I’m going to do another shot and then settle up. 

BEA_NARRATION: There is a Hidebehind behind us, on the edge of our sight. It’s been standing outside the door, just around the corner since we arrived. We’re luring it out. [SFX: Rhys knocks over his beer and spills it onto Bea and himself] Oh for fuck’s sake. 

BEA: Rhys!

RHYS: Sorry! Ah, shit. It got on me too, if that’s any consolation.

BEA: It’s fine, it’s fine, let me go get some napkins. 

RHYS: Shoot. Uh, can I… get another? Thanks.

RHYS_NARRATION: There’s a Hidebehind outside. When Bea asked if I wanted to come with tonight, I thought this would be something simple. It’s a monster or whatever who just… hides behind. It’s in the name! That’s quaint. But that also makes them a threat. In the stories, they attacked men in logging camps or mines. It was a joke. Be careful, the hidebehind is gonna getcha! But it wasn’t always a joke. Sometimes, there was a monster behind the tree. It follows you, always a little out of sight. You struggle to track it, to keep an eye on it. It hides behind. Hidebehind. What a name. And now there’s one in the city. That’s weird. We’ve been hired to get it out of here. They like to follow their prey. They stalk. We’ve been luring it. I… I watched Bea wander out into the woods. They apparently look for those who aren’t paying attention, so she just… wandered around on her phone. She wasn’t faking it, I got 400 instagram DMs to scroll through. Man, phones are distracting. It took awhile. Got to feel lost. Got to feel nervous. Got to not be looking in the right direction. It likes to play. We got it following us, though. But… like it’s not going to be that easy. At first it was pretty far away from us, lurking in the dark, but now… I swear, every bar we go to, it’s a little closer. A little bolder. Weirdly, it smells kind of like a room someone has smoked in for a long time. Stale cigarettes. Like my grandfather’s place. When we were entering the place before this one, I swear I could feel it… touch my arm as I walked in the door. Just this flash of cold across my skin. Really sobered me up, I’ll tell you that. Then I fixed it by drinking more. Somehow, Grace and Bea are holding up well. Me? I’m… I’m starting to feel it. 

GRACE: You ready to move on?

BEA: [SFX: coming back over] I’m definitely ready to finish this so I can go home and change out of my beer-soaked pants. Where do you want to go next?

GRACE: I don’t remember. Somewhere else in Greektown? 

BEA_NARRATION: Hide-behind, it’s a cute name for something that, in actuality, is quite awful. Like calling it a cuddle-stomp or a stab-kiss. Does that make sense? Oh my god there is tequila in front of me. 

GRACE: Bottoms up. [SFX: they do the shot]

BEA: Have to say, it’s been a minute since I last did shots. 

GRACE: At least you’re not at that table over here, I heard them ordering a giant round of vodka and tabasco. 

BEA: That sounds awful. [SFX: as she is talking, you can hear a server coming up from behind]

SERVER: [SFX: they slip, sending a tray full of shot glasses crashing to the ground and all over Bea. The talking in the bar quiets down as everyone turns to look at the now very damp Bea] I’m so sorry!

BEA: I think it’s time we leave. 

RHYS: At least it’s a clear liquor? 

BEA: Rhys, get your coat. Let’s go. [SFX: they grab their stuff and leave]

GRACE_NARRATION: There is a hidebehind stalking the east end. Hidebehinds are… odd. There have been very few in the city over the years, maybe one or two passing through, but this… there hasn’t been one causing issues like this… maybe ever. Part of it is that they aren’t generally urban creatures. They are a species known for being in the forest, they’re quite solitary. They have small family groups. They are not known to move around together. There’s one in Toronto, though. And it’s been causing problems. This is especially odd because they don’t feed very often. My research is a little hazy – I’m a little hazy – but they only truly need to feed every 2-5 years. They’re like cicadas. Horrifying, flesh-eating cicadas. But this one… it’s creating havoc. I’d heard rumblings of people on the fringes being attacked – the unhoused, the lost, the forgotten – but not eaten. A bite, a finger missing, a passed-out person on a bench mistaken for intoxicated when really they were missing too much blood. Then… it went after a vampire. She was out on a hike one night when she was attacked. Not killed, but just bitten to all hell. Now, normally this isn’t a huge deal for a vampire, you heal pretty quickly, and that could’ve been a bizarre one-off, but then another vampire was attacked, then a wolfman out for a jog. A friend of Aurelius’s. One time is a fluke. Twice, bad luck. But now… attacking your own, never a good sign. 

Something’s wrong. 

We need to lead it home, luring it back into the ravine along the Don Valley. It’s… does it have a name? I don’t remember. Tequila. Tequila is a bad idea. Either way, we get it into the ravine and go from there. If we get it there in time. Lord, how am I already sobering up again? I shouldn’t have closed the tab this early. No. No, we need to keep moving. Staying too long in one place might cause it to lose interest, or – worse – become interested in someone else. We’ve caught its attention. That was certainly effort on Rhys’s part, he did a fair amount of searching and interviewing and triangulating. Once he figured out the best locations as to where it might be, we started exploring the area. Trying to draw it out. Trying to appear tempting. I feel like I’ve put Bea and Rhys on a platter and that gives me pause, but… we need to stop this thing. Not just because it’s causing problems, but because we’ve been asked to find it. We’ve been hired. Find the Hidebehind. Our client is looking for them. Simple, except for the fact that it’s not at all. And there are a lot of ways this can go wrong. 

It creeps closer, though. And it’s watching. 

 

[SFX: they enter a new bar. It’s a nice wine bar]

BEA: Am I allowed in here stinking like a bar mat?

GRACE: Just say it’s your hairspray or something. Look, room at the bar, we can keep an eye on the window.

BEA: It’s definitely still out there, year?

RHYS: Yeah, it’s still there. I could hear something in the alleyway as we entered. I thought it was a raccoon but… no.

GRACE: I told you, try to avoid looking at it. It’s only going to hide. Plus, catching its gaze is only going to make you freeze up. 

RHYS: Is it that scary looking? I googled it and it looks like a… lanky dog. 

GRACE: Don’t trust old illustrations. Do you think Bigfoot looks like a blurry gorilla? No, he looks like someone’s beefy uncle.

RHYS: I am aware. 

GRACE: He’s actually quite nice. Terrible cook. Wonderful poet.

BEA: Can we get a bottle of rosé or something?

GRACE: Sure. Two, perhaps. [SFX: quiet tapping on the glass of the window]

RHYS: Do you hear that?

BEA: Yeah. It’s… toying with us. [SFX: the tapping stops]

GRACE: Little shit. Where’s the server?

RHYS: I’ll flag her down. Hi, can you bring us your… most alcoholic wine? Two bottles, thanks. I have to admit, this feels… weird.

BEA: Like in the way that you’re being tailed by a monster or in another new and exciting way?

RHYS: Weird in that we’re luring this thing out with you two as bait. I don’t like that. 

GRACE: You do what you have to do. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. 

GRACE_NARRATION: We’ll be fine. Rhys is both more in danger than us – being a human – and less, as this thing clearly has monsters on their mind. I can feel its attention shifting from person to person as we move, as we sober up ever so slightly, as we walk out onto the street into the cool night air. Rhys is a trooper, though. Willing to dive in like no assistant I’ve ever had. 

BEA: [SFX: the wine is delivered to the table] Thank you. My only request is that no one spills this on me.

RHYS: I’ll try my best.

BEA_NARRATION: I hope we’re not leading Rhys into something. He’s… a little green, I guess. Like he’s not GREEN because he’s an adult human being, but… jesus christ, what percentage is this wine?

BEA: Rhys, did you order something fortified? Possibly with poison?

RHYS: I don’t know but it definitely had a previous life as paint stripper.

BEA: Good god. Bottoms up, I guess. [SFX: she pounds the full glass]

RHYS: Careful there. 

BEA: I’ll be fine. [coughs] Maybe not. 

GRACE_NARRATION: This wine is terrible, more alcoholic vinegar than anything else. I can feel the Hidebehind’s eyes on us narrow, frustrated. It doesn’t like alcohol. That’s the strangest thing about it. You’d think it would chase down whoever was at their most inebriated, but it seems to dislike the taste or smell or something. That’s the only thing holding it at bay right now. But we’re still trying to lure it to us. It’s so tempted by our distracted states. It’s waiting for us to sober up just enough to pounce. Rhys is basically sweating beer at this point and Bea reeks like the floor of a distillery, but it’s still locked on to us. I can smell it in the air, a metallic scent radiating from it. It clearly wants more vampires. It wants victims, yes, but it wants a challenge. And we’ll bring the fight to it, if we have to. [SFX: takes a sip of the wine] Ughh. This is the worst thing I’ve put in my mouth in easily 50 years. 

RHYS: Can we go back to the previous place? I think I liked the vibe better there. Also I wasn’t drinking something that was trying to put hair on my chest. Possibly through force. 

BEA: No, need to keep heading west. Next place we hit will have a better beer selection and… fries are extra? The burger is $26! 

RHYS: We have lost our way as a society.

GRACE_NARRATION: We need to keep moving. We have to keep it focused on us. It is radiating malice. 

 

[SFX: they are now in a new bar. It’s a dive. A fun dive! They’re HAMMERED]

RHYS: Another! DO IT!

BEA: Alright! Alright, let’s do it, you sold me. 

GRACE: YEAH, SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!

BEA: [SFX: does three shots in a row] Blurgh, that was…

RHYS: Fantastic. You’re a beast. 

BEA: I’m a mess. 

GRACE: You’re a delight. 

BEA: The room is too spinny, ughghghh… [SFX: she flops back into Grace] Sorry, you just look very comfy.

GRACE: That’s fine. 

GRACE_NARRATION: She smells terrible. But looks delicious. 

BEA: Is that smell you or me?

GRACE: You.

BEA: Oh god, stupid tabasco and vodka. I’m going to go try scrubbing my arms down AGAIN in the bathroom. [SFX: starts walking, trips, apologies to the person she trips over]

RHYS: I think I need to lay off the shots for a bit. [SFX: the music in the background cuts out for a moment, there’s a noise like someone pulling out a patch cord and then a crackling, like birch wood fire. Breathing, for just a moment, and then the music comes back. The room resumes talking] That thing is getting close.

GRACE: It is. It’s making itself known. That’s… weird.

RHYS: Weird like “this is a new behavior” or weird as in “soon it’ll eat our intestines”? 

GRACE: That second one isn’t so much weird as it is horrifying.

RHYS: I pictured it. It’s all I can picture right now.

GRACE: These things normally reside in forests and quiet spaces. I’ve never known one to attack people in cities before now. And I’ve never known one to attack…

RHYS: Women? Detectives?

GRACE: People like us. 

RHYS: Bisexuals?

GRACE: I’ve never checked the stats on that one. 

GRACE_NARRATION: We’re going to have to tell him at some point. I’m sure he’ll… understand. It’s a lot less scary than what’s happening now. I think. I hope. [SFX: cell phone ringing]

GRACE: Aurie, baby.

AURELIUS: [phone] Grace?

GRACE: The lady, the… lich, the legend.

AURELIUS: [phone] Are you drunk? Is that even possible?

GRACE: It is if you’re had enough booze to kill several humans. 

AURELIUS: [phone] Where are you?

GRACE: Rhys, where are we?

RHYS: Uh… Bea, where are we?

BEA: [SFX: walking back over, flops down, drunk] What? 

RHYS: Dunno.

GRACE: I’m gonna… I’m gonna send you a tracker thingy location thing so that if we pass out you can come pick us up. I’ll make sure Rhys doesn’t throw up in your car.

AURELIUS: That’s very considerate of you. Ah, it appears you’re… I don’t know this bar.

GRACE: Of course you wouldn’t, you haven’t been to a dive bar since the 90s. 

AURELIUS: [phone] That’s not true, I went to a wonderful hole in the wall in Prince Edward County. 

GRACE: A mid-range wine bar does not count!

AURELIUS: [phone] Was this the plan you were speaking about? 

GRACE: Yep.

AURELIUS: [phone] And you brought Rhys?

GRACE: We did.

AURELIUS: [phone] As what, bait?

GRACE: No, just needed more people. Keep an eye on each other. But also… yeah.

AURELIUS: [phone] Well if you need us, please let us know. I’ll keep Alden on tap if you need… backup. I would hazard that the human isn’t enough.

GRACE: I’m sure we’ll be fine. We’re doing shots. That’s fun!

AURELIUS: [phone] That’s absurd.

GRACE: WELL YOUR MOTHER’S ABSURD.

AURELIUS: [phone] And that’s my cue to hang up. Stay safe. Thanks for the tracker. We’ll be watching. 

GRACE: That’s creepy. 

AURELIUS: [phone] You sent this to me!

GRACE: BYE, CREEP! [SFX: she hangs up]

RHYS_NARRATION: I’ve only had maybe… 1/3rd the amount of beer Bea has had and I don’t really know how I’m still standing. I guess I’ve been pacing myself well? Who knows. What I do know is that apparently this thing hates alcohol. 

BEA: What if I just took a nap on this couch for a bit? 

RHYS: That would be nice. It’s warm here. 

BEA: You’re warm. 

RHYS: I am. It’s way too hot in here. 

BEA_NARRATION: Rhys is wearing the softest sweater. I like it. 

RHYS_NARRATION: Bea’s hair smells like coconut. Have I noticed that before? Or did someone spill a pina colada on her at some point. Actually, I may have. 

BEA_NARRATION: I just want to take a nap. Just a little one. He’s warm. His heart is beating faster if I move closer. That’s funny. 

RHYS_NARRATION: I have my arm around Bea and her head is resting on my chest and it’s been so long since I’ve had someone pressed against me. 

BEA_NARRATION: I could just bite him right now. 

RHYS_NARRATION: I could just close my eyes right now. It’s getting late. 

BEA_NARRATION: There’s a shadow in the hallway, just outside the bathroom. 

RHYS: [SFX: getting up] Alright. Where’s the men’s room? At the back?

BEA: [SFX: Bea grabs him] No.

RHYS: What? Oh.

BEA: It’s… inside. It’s by the door. By the bathroom. There’s a door to the outside alleyway that’s right by it. Someone must’ve left it open. Now it’s inside. Don’t look right at it, just… let your eyes drift somewhere nearby. You’ll see it on the edge of your vision.

RHYS_NARRATION: It’s there. Without even thinking too hard about it I can feel its eyes on me. This prickle goes down my spine and I can feel the sensation of the cold fingers on my arm again even though it’s nowhere near me. But it’s watching. 

BEA_NARRATION: Its eyes are darting between us. I know, because I can see the hair stand up on everyone’s neck as the attention slides from person to person. It’s sizing us all up. I don’t want to know what it’s looking for exactly, but it’s definitely making a choice.

GRACE_NARRATION: It’s trying to decide who to take. 

GRACE: Oh god, more shots? Who ordered that?

BEA: I don’t even know anymore. Fuck it. [SFX: she does a few shots]

RHYS: Here give me… oh, you had them all.

BEA: You don’t need shots. 

GRACE: Pace yourself, both of you.

BEA: I don’t want to stay here anymore.

RHYS: Will it hurt someone else if we leave?

GRACE: They track. They follow. They can be quite single minded. It’s decided that it wants… one of us. We’ll lead it away before things get any worse. 

RHYS: Can we just like… overpower it now?

GRACE: That’s possible but unlikely. Plus… they’re wily. And this place is crowded. I don’t want to do it here. 

BEA: Can you hold it until the next place?

RHYS: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t like that thing looking at me. 

BEA: Same. Let’s move. 

 

[SFX: they’re outside walking down the street to the next bar]

GRACE_NARRATION: When we left, it was watching me. 

RHYS_NARRATION: I can see it creeping along the wall, trying to touch me as I pass by.

BEA_NARRATION: There’s this smell in the air when it gets close, like stale cigarettes. Burnt leaves. Old trees left to rot. 

GRACE_NARRATION: Another shot, another shot. Keep moving. Don’t look back if you don’t have to. 

RHYS_NARRATION: Don’t look back. 

BEA_NARRATION: Don’t look ba-[SFX: glass breaking] What was that?

GRACE_NARRATION: I should’ve worn different shoes. I can’t run in these. Stupid, stupid.

RHYS_NARRATION: How close are we? How many more bars? Can’t be that many. 

BEA_NARRATION: I’m trying to get Rhys’s attention but he’s on his phone again.

GRACE_NARRATION: Only a few more to go.

RHYS_NARRATION: Only a few more to go.

BEA_NARRATION: Only a few more to go.

GRACE_NARRATION: I know it’s close.

RHYS_NARRATION: I can smell it nearby.

BEA_NARRATION: I- [SFX: she trips over something on the sidewalk and stumbles] ah shit, nearly ate it there. Oh god, why did I put my hand in?

BEA: Uggggh, gross. Hey Rhy- [SFX: a noise like dry birch popping and burning for a brief moment, and then nothing]

GRACE_NARRATION: The bar we’re outside of is an institution, one that’s been haunting the Danforth for ages. Warm light pours out onto the street and, for a brief moment, I feel comforted by it. Things have been so hectic as of late, but I know that we should be wrapping this up soon. Rhys is… no, wait, Rhys is grabbing my shoulder.

RHYS: Where’s Bea?

GRACE: What?

RHYS: Bea’s gone. I don’t see her anywhere. 

GRACE: No, she was… she was just behind me. 

RHYS: She was right behind me. Bea? Bea! 

GRACE: Stop.

RHYS: What?

GRACE: Do you smell that?

RHYS: … I don’t smell anything.

GRACE: Exactly. The cigarette smell, it’s gone.

RHYS: Oh. Oh! Oh shit. 

GRACE: Fuck! We got careless. We weren’t paying attention. You said their lair was likely near the ravine?

RHYS: Yeah, just off the path, the early attack cluster. 

GRACE: Then we’re heading there. Come on. [SFX: starts trying to run] These fucking shoes!

RHYS: We’re not far, let’s go! [SFX: they start running off down the street, into the night]

 

[SFX: breathing, scared and quiet]

BEA_NARRATION: I sobered up so quickly it hurt. Felt like the alcohol in my bloodstream kicked its way out through my skin. 

I was standing on the street- no, I tripped. I’d fallen down and I was getting up and then suddenly there was this overwhelming smell of dead leaves, tobacco, mothballs, a house that had been closed and untouched for 50 years. The musk of old paper fills my skull. I could feel arms, bony and jagged, around me, and then… nothing. For a moment, darkness. The deep black of oblivion. I was out of place, out of time. 

And then, sound returned. The sound of leaves rustling, the world becoming alive again, a siren in the distance. I am lying on the ground in a puddle of dirty water. 

BEA: [SFX: panicking and looking around]

BEA_NARRATION: I don’t know where I am. But I know it’s here. I lagged behind. I looked back. Don’t ever look back. 

What I can do is try to leave, but… where? Somewhere in the distance, a shout. I can’t tell if it’s angry or scared or just a drunken reveler. Before I can even think about running towards it, I realize something: If I run towards someone, all I am doing is drawing the creature towards more people. People who won’t know what it is. People who won’t know what to do. People who will fare worse than me. 

Not that I’m doing so well myself.

The first step is to- [SFX: she takes a step but stops. There’s silence, only the wind can be heard, and then breathing, dry and ragged]

The face… barely a face. Thin. Papery. Blackened as if by fire. There are no eyes, just rips in the flesh that lead into a deeper, indescribable darkness. Hands like dead branches. And the noise, a noise like a distant scream echoing out from something I’m only calling a mouth because there’s no other word for it that I can think of right now. It has my arm and it will not let go. 

[SFX: the raspy breathing continues]

BEA: I think it would be in your best interest to let me go. 

[SFX: the raspy breathing continues]

BEA: What do you want?

[SFX: the raspy breathing continues]

BEA: Do you have a name?

[SFX: the raspy breathing continues]

BEA: Will you let go of my arm?

HIDEBEHIND: no

BEA_NARRATION: It hasn’t moved yet. It only stands there, gripping me tight and staring through the endless chasms within its face.

HIDEBEHIND: I am waiting

For you to be ready

 

[SFX: the wind picks up and we drift back over to the street. Grace and Rhys are running]

GRACE_NARRATION: Stupid, foolish and stupid. 

RHYS: Grace, I’m still too drunk for this!

GRACE: Well then sober up through sheer force of will!

RHYS: That’s not a thing! That’s never been a thing!

GRACE_NARRATION: It is for me. I can, and I am. It hurts, these fucking shoes hurt, but I know I don’t have a lot of time. Hidebehinds, they only feed every once in a while, but when they do, they’re violent. They love organ meat. They are not known for leaving behind much of their victims. From what I’ve learned, the only things not ingested are something between a Tupperware container and a Ziploc baggie’s worth of bones and hair. 

I don’t want to think about finding the remains of Bea. I just hope she’s pickled enough that it turns away. Or at least it just… 

Let’s just leave that thought to the side and keep running, ok?

I’m hoping our client is ready as well. We’re going to need all the help we can get.

GRACE: Down there! 

RHYS: This path? It’s barely cleared!

GRACE: It’s the fastest one, come on!

 

[SFX: they start making their way down through the plants, crashing around. We pan over to the silence, the wind, and the ragged breathing]

BEA: What do you want?

HIDEBEHIND: I want to feel powerful. I could be strong. I just need to show that I can be.

BEA_NARRATION: Its fingers are thin, charred pencils, but they grip so tightly. I know I’m strong… Am I strong enough to break free? Am I sober enough to fight back?

It’s holding me as if too much contact would be painful, though. The smell. It won’t get close. I am radiating beer and vodka fumes along with whatever else got dumped on me tonight. It wants to move in but the alcohol smell is too much. But it’s not willing to give up its prey just yet…

BEA: What do you mean “you need to show it”?

HIDEBEHIND: I want to be somebody. I want to be more. And to do that I must be strong. One learns quickly that the fastest way to appear strong is to take out those… bigger than you.

BEA: I can’t say that I’m someone with a lot of power. 

HIDEBEHIND: yes, but you’re here now, aren’t you?

BEA: Why are you attacking others like us?

HIDEBEHIND: [a small laugh] why not? so sure you are safe. no one is. too distracted, too lost in their own worlds. it is a game to me. all a game.

BEA_NARRATION: That’s all it is, it’s a game, a lark.

HIDEBEHIND: come here, come here come here come here [giggling]

BEA_NARRATION: Fight, or else.

[SFX: Bea kicks at it, pushing it back. She goes to run but is tripped. You can hear it trying to attack back as she tries to kick it away]

BEA_NARRATION: You have the strength. USE IT. [SFX: she tries to run and it grabs her ankle] Hitting that thing felt like slamming my fist into a dead tree. But it stunned it long enough to let go of my arm. It’s not stopping though and all I can do now is try to kick it away. The smell of booze must still be on me though, because it’s trying to pinch at me like it’s afraid to touch me too much. Like it hurts. 

Like it hurts… [SFX: she lashes out and hits it hard, it cries out]

BEA: You’ve gotten cocky! You think I don’t know what you are? You know nothing of what this world is like and you squander your chances!

HIDEBEHIND: you know nothing of what I can do. you are nothing more than LUNCHMEAT.

BEA: Shit, shit!

[SFX: the Hidebehind pulls her over, only for the sound of growling to appear and for a large, heavy shape to burst in and tackle it to the ground. Growling and snarling, deep and angry]

BEA: What the-…

ALDEN: RUN

BEA: Holy SHIT.

BEA_NARRATION : A werewolf. And he is furious. 

GRACE: [SFX: in the distance, running over] Bea? BEA?

RHYS: Bea!

BEA: Over here! 

RHYS: [SFX: running over, stops, out of breath] Oh my god, I’m still too drunk for this.

GRACE: Are you ok?

BEA: Yeah, sorry, I fucked up-

GRACE: It’s ok! Let’s just get this over with. Rhys!

RHYS: What?

GRACE: Call them. Tell them we’re ready!

RHYS: Right, yes, uhhh-

GRACE: Here, give me the phone.

RHYS: Sorry, I’m a little overwhelmed right now and also, like I said, still drunk! [SFX: pulling back] I got it, I got it!

GRACE: Who is that?

BEA: Why are you asking me?

GRACE: ALDEN!

ALDEN: WHAT

GRACE: Let it go!

ALDEN: WHY

GRACE: The client will be here soon!

ALDEN: FINE. [SFX: the sound of a wolf becoming a man, like a rug turning into a pile of meat] Been a while since I’ve had to do that. Kind of fun.

BEA: The clothes transform as well?

ALDEN: I’m not an animal. 

BEA: I mean…

ALDEN: Watch it. 

GRACE: How did you know to come out here?

ALDEN: Aurelius checked the GPS and you guys were running. That’s never a good sign. 

GRACE: Ah, good point. 

ALDEN: Ugh, doing that threw my back out.

GRACE: Come on, come on, get here…

RHYS: They’re coming-

HIDEBEHIND: MORE FOR MY MEAL, MORE BLOOD FOR ME

RHYS: And I’m hoping they show up real soon. 

GRACE: You should’ve never gone down this road. 

HIDEBEHIND: VAMPIRES, FILTHY BLOODSUCKERS

RHYS: What? Who’s the bloodsucker?

BEA: Oh, shit. 

HIDEBEHIND: YOU BRING ME AN OFFERING? [SFX: the Hidebehind starts crawling and lunging towards them. Everyone starts backing away and jumping back from its swings]

RHYS: I’m seriously considering finding a new job where the clients don’t try to devour me!

ALDEN: STAND DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAK

HIDEBEHIND: I’LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB! I’LL RIP YOU APART!

ALDEN: YOU THINK YOU CAN SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT?

GRACE: Alden, no!

ALDEN: LET ME AT IT

GRACE: Let me handle it!

HIDEBEHIND: YOU WANT TO FIGHT? I CAN TAKE YOU ALL!

ALDEN: ONE MORE STEP TOWARDS THEM-

GRACE: Wait, just wait!

BEA: Don’t let it get its hand on you.

HIDEBEHIND: I’LL PUT YOUR HEAD ON A PLATE AND SERVE YOU UP

RHYS: What about running? Can I try that instead?

BEA: Yeah, I’m liking that option more and more.

GRACE: Shit! 

RHYS: Guys, behind it… look.

[SFX: the sound drops out and the wind quiets to almost nothing. There’s the sound of the fabric of reality being split open, like fabric being torn fuzzed out, a crackling noise radiates out. A voice booms from within]

DADBEHIND: MY CHILD

HIDEBEHIND: WHAT? NO!

DADBEHIND: YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME

HIDEBEHIND: DAD?

DADBEHIND: IT IS TIME TO RETURN. OR ELSE. 

BEA_NARRATION: It’s only a teenager.

RHYS_NARRATION: It’s only a fuckin’ kid.  

ALDEN: You called their father?

GRACE: He called us.

BEA: Heard his kid was up to no good. Wanted to get them home, needed us to track them down. 

RHYS: That’s one way to handle it.

DADBEHIND: YOU ARE COMING HOME WITH ME. RIGHT NOW.

HIDEBEHIND: NO! NO! I DON’T WANT TO!

DADBEHIND: THIS IS NOT A REQUEST. I AM TELLING YOU THIS NOW. RETURN OR BE BANISHED TO THE VOID.

HIDEBEHIND: YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! 

DADBEHIND: YES I CAN

HIDEBEHIND: I WILL NOT! I’M NOT COMING HOME! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!

DAD: YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH. YOU MUST RETURN TO THE VOID OR ELSE.

HIDEBEHIND: OR ELSE WHAT?!

DADBEHIND: YOU ARE ALREADY GROUNDED FOR THE NEXT CENTURY. DO NOT MAKE ME COUNT TO THREE. 

HIDEBEHIND: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

DADBEHIND: I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM LEFT WITH NO CHOICE. 

HIDEBEHIND: NO! NOOOOOOOOO [SFX: there is the sound like the air whipping around being sucked in as the Hidebehind screams and is pulled in. Reality reforms and the space returns to normal]

GRACE: Ok, I think… I think we’re done

ALDEN: I think I really messed my back up doing that.

GRACE: You ok to drive home?

ALDEN: Yeah. Hopefully. 

RHYS: Would it be weird if I went and just threw up in a bush right now?

GRACE: Oh dear. I forgot you would still be drunk. 

RHYS: Correct! Turns out doing a bunch of shots and then having reality torn asunder around you is really disorienting. 

BEA: Yeah, we should get you some water.

RHYS: I don’t think I ever want to see a beer again. Actually, that’s a lie. 

BEA: … Do you want to go get one right now?

RHYS: Yes. 

BEA: Great, because I think I need one too. 

GRACE: I’m going to head back to the office to get started on paperwork. 

BEA: Grace, deal with that tomorrow, I think it’s time we all just go home. Or go back to one of the less shitty bars. I liked the one… Mom’s Basement, I think it was called? Or just lie down in the dirt and cry a bit. 

RHYS: Yeah. Hey, hang on, he called you… 

BEA_NARRATION: Oh boy, here we go.

RHYS: Bloodsuckers.

BEA_NARRATION: Maybe he’s drunk enough that this won’t matter.

ALDEN: You know he could’ve been referring to me. 

RHYS: Really?

ALDEN: No. 

RHYS: No, it’s said vampires. I know they’re real, you’ve talked about them… so… I… hm…

BEA_NARRATION: Damnit.

RHYS: Grace, are you… a…

BEA: Careful with your next words.

RHYS: Monster?

BEA: Ooh, awkward phrasing.

RHYS: What other word am I supposed to use? I’m not a theologian!

BEA: Thesaurus.

RHYS: Whatever.

GRACE: Rhys, we should talk. 

RHYS: Yeah, we should! Not healthy to keep secrets like that in the workplace from me OR Bea! … Right? Bea?

BEA: [sighs]

RHYS: No fuckin’ way.

BEA: Rhys, I don’t even know where to start. 

[ends]

 

Credits

Featuring the voices of:

Emily Kellogg as Grace
Alex Nursall as Bea
Ian Boddy as Rhys
Harlan Guthrie as Aurelius
Taylor Davis as Alden
Phi Walker as The Hidebehind
and Doug Walker as The Dadbehind

Woodbine is an original podcast created, written, and produced by Emily Kellogg and Alex Nursall
Showrunning and direction by Alex Nursall
Production and promotion by Emily Kellogg
Engineering and sound design by Ian Boddy
Theme by Phil Wright
Music by Phil Wright and Ian Boddy
Recorded at Pirate Sound
Artwork by Andy Kelly
Distributed by Realm